October Explained...Sorta After 18 months of searching, I found a job. For the first time in 18 months I felt a sense of equality with my peers. Pulling my own weight, almost. A breath of fresh air with a new job I found myself feeling hopeful, excited even. Perfect timing too, for my favorite time of year lays just around the corner...Halloween! Making new friends, planning for parties, and at the request of my oldest son (11) to come to San Diego to go Trick Or Treating with him. We love Halloween. We have a 30 some odd song set list of our favorite Halloween songs not including our Oingo Boingo set list. Finally I am in a place to DO again. I can go see my kids. I can go out and play with my friends. Then another rug yank. Serious unmet expectation. Living as lean and as carefully as one can my account hit zero. My mind turned to the miles left in my gas tank. I can make it to work, but not sure if I will make it back and not including the next 7 work days. Unable to fulfill the request of my son, unable to get to work, unable to be there for anyone if they called on me, unable to go to any of the events planned or hoping to attend with friends, unable to volunteer for one of the coolest costume artists I have met, ultimately unable to take care of anything including myself. And not for the first time in the recent months. The mind of this INTJ quickly revisited a life time pattern of perceived failures. And answering the lyrical question Do you think you are better off alone? I decided until I feel I qualify, until I am able to function, until I feel like I deserve to, until I feel I posses the right to interact with my peers, I will take myself out of the game for a time. Feeling at a zero point needing to figure out who I am, what I am doing, and how I am to change this pattern, Thinking...Everyone has their work, kids, activities, responsibilities, obligations, and the nine. People dont answer texts all the time, calls go unanswered for days and weeks. With that I turned off my phone and closed Facebook. Completely forgetting things written only month earlier... 3 Points Of Reflection 1. Hearing With Our Hearts and Minds Through each communication I found this in full application... https://facebook/Matt.Boles.402/posts/10152230745156786 2. Vulnerability Through each I experienced my own travel through this process while feeling the other person making their journey through it too... While I struggle deeply with Trust, I simultaneously marvel at the gift so many share with me through their Trust in me. At a loss for words there. https://facebook/Matt.Boles.402/posts/10152167846016786 3.The Measure Of Our Hearts While applying the lessons on Vulnerability and Hearing With Our Hearts and Minds we are able to determine The Measure Of Our Hearts https://facebook/Matt.Boles.402/posts/10152127230776786 In the solitude of the days at work, in the company of the great composers over the centuries, I looked at the path traveled so far. Where I stood in years past, where I am now, and where I feel I want and need to be. Asking where my talents truly are and how to best implement them. Answer emerged. In the evenings I focused on self mastery in different ways. Focusing on things that will placing my on the path on a very specific and desired path. Music fell in this process. Specific music. 311 for one of the projects we are taking on. Over the summer I found myself at a 311 concert, one of the many times over the last year where one of you, my dear friends, extended your love and generosity in my direction, testing me further during this time. Sitting on the 6th row directly in front where the bassist stands, a very powerful feeling came over me. It startled me to the point that I gasped. Friends sitting next to me asked what happened. I replied, I feel like I am going to play this stage in the next 2 years A very musically talented and technically able player, I found myself looping sections of songs to master specific rhythms and patterns. In doing this the lyrics found their way into my attention. Different lyrics had different faces come to mind when I heard them. Each revealing itself in a certain order, walking me through the stages of the process I went through. *Scroll Down To See Lyrics* Sitting in a favorite place one evening working through hours of material I met a couple of new friends specifically through the music. Attraction at work. And as the new friend said, a truly serendipitous moment. On the path... Coming back up for air I found that feelings were hurt, acquaintances lost, experiences missed. I denied many of you an opportunity to do the very thing I want to do for everyone. Lend an ear or lend a hand when you need one. All my life all I have ever wanted to do, help any where and any time I can. Within seconds of turning on my phone I get a call from a good friend. Matty I need help. Party tonight and no music. What can we do? I about fell over. Only seconds into a hopefully gradual return to life and I am thrown right back into it. I see many familiar faces, and their love for me. I run into old friends and make some great new ones. Opportunities extended, testing out the setlist for one of our bands which everyone loved, I received several contacts for the missing link for Souled Out. A great night and an instant reminder of who I am and what I hope to never do again. Disappear. Love you all! *Lyrics* Thank Your Lucky Stars I need a break something inside me said A break from all this sadness is what I need now, yeah Beyond The Grey Sky It is a gift I know. A moment of bliss that we hold A firecracker flash of light then on. To the next plane soul remain Come along if you dare. It’s gonna be that you’re scared Lovely life, I thank you. For the reason to see the pain through Find the reason of another’s pain if they lose you If not for your self then those around who care like I do Golden Sunlight Hand over hand. I crawled back to land There is no retreat. That option’s far and away I have to be brave. I always did crave It’s been about me. But I’m setting that free There’s a door open to walk through. All I want is, just beyond What if I could let my guard down.Into freedom, on and on Boom Shanka Every time I think I got it figured something bigger always jumps in the frame something gets in the way Now I’m ready to turn the page on yesterdays and forgive them now I’m willing to disengage to seize the day and move on Make It Rough There were times I thought I’d get there. I know you thought so too the days have bled together. Now anyway will do if you’re looking I might have it. but you have to look to see the image you have of me. is what I’d like to be Try not to think too far ahead the pendulum swings soon enough we could stay on this side instead Its Getting Ok Now Why must I think of this until I find Peace and quiet in the clouding of my mind There were times I thought I would not come around But I can tell things are getting ok now Tranquility No you can’t go around it You have to walk right through it My father told me that so long ago Every time that you ignore it It gets a little more You just have to walk toward The fear to go Its Alright Stay with me Here with me Right in this instant Not in the distance When your head is off in future time That’s the place when things get out of line Taking in this moment Your time is so well spent It’s alright Wherever you are right now I tell you it’s alright That’s where you’re supposed to be now
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 21:09:58 +0000
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