October is Spina Bifida awareness month. So, to start this month out, I am posting this article because when I read it, I realized I could have written it. I hope reading it brings more understanding and compassion to those who struggle with the burden of what if? If youve ever wondered if I feel responsible or guilty about Kaitlyns Spina Bifida, the answer is: 100%, absolutely, yes - from the very first moment we found out. It has taken years to learn to forgive myself for not being the mother I should have before I found out I was pregnant. A lot of moms in the SB community have been discussing folic acid and wishing the Spina Bifida Association would stop harping on it, because their main audience - us - knows and there is nothing folic acid can do for the kids we already have here. So many times though, a mother of a Spina Bifida child will talk about folic acid and say that she WAS taking the prenatal vitamins EVERY day for YEARS before getting pregnant. I wish I could say that. Those declarations bring me deep pain and regret that I cant stand up and say I was doing the same. I did take prenatals. But I missed days... We got pregnant the first month we started trying and I started taking the pills shortly after we started trying. It was too late. Maybe I could have done something to change Kaitlyns outcome. Maybe I couldnt. I may not process folate the same as everyone else. They can test for that, but I think if I did process it normally - it would break my heart. And there is a lot more that goes into a fetus developing Spina Bifida than folic acid - genetics among other things. Uncontrollable things. But since there is this one, well known, controllable factor, there remains guilt. This article helped me let go of some of that. I know, for certain, that my Heavenly Father forgives me and loves me and wants me to forgive myself. I know that I love Kaitlyn with my whole heart, Spina Bifida or not. And I know that there is nothing I can do to change this part of her. I have grown to appreciate and even love this part of her. And so I try to look forward with faith, knowing that I can spend my life dwelling on the what ifs, or I can find a way to live, love and thrive in the world we are living with all the challenges and constraints that that entails. Faith, gratitude, optimism, and finding our own happiness and tender mercies dont just go a long way - they are everything. So, I will let go of this a little at a time, and hope that Kaitlyn can live her life to her fullest, knowing she has a mom who is imperfect, but who loves her unconditionally.
Posted on: Wed, 01 Oct 2014 20:41:59 +0000
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