Oh Babe I miss you so very very much. I just need to be wrapped in your arms right. I keep getting hit with different situations that just make me need you. I spend every minute of my life missing you and wishing for nothing more than to feel you near me. Tonight my ex husband came over. Just to say he heard about your death and my dads death and how sorry he was. Just talking to another man in a very innocent way felt like cheating on you :( Maybe it is because I always knew you were very jealous when it came to him. He was the only other man besides you I had ever truly loved. Kind of funny that the only men I ever loved both broke my heart beyond belief. However with you I know you would never have chosen to hurt me in any way if you had a choice :) I just ache to feel that absolute all encompassing love you gave me. I miss that feeling so much. I just wish I could feel your arms around me one more time. Today Ive had several conversations about being the one left behind. Darla said she would actually want Bill to die 1st so he would not have to suffer being the one left behind. I feel a bit bad because Im not sure I can say that for you. Im selfish I wish I could have died 1st so I would never know this kind of hurt. However I truly would not want to know you were suffering like this either :( I would hate knowing you were hurting and I couldnt help you. It hurts to even think about how you did so much trying always to make sure I was happy and taken care of. You always made sure I never went without anything. If something happened and I was sad you moved mountains to make me happy again. All the things you had planned for to make sure we had what we needed for our future. In the end none of it mattered. Without you I have no happiness, I lost everything we worked so hard for. It was all ripped away along with the love of my life. We were trying to prepare for the future but we really failed to ever prepare for a future without you in it :( Today i got to talk to Darla and Vona both while I worked around the basement and it just made me realize how much I miss having you on the phone all the time. I did not realize just how lonely I have been without my best friend to talk to. I have started to depend on facebook more and more just to have a connection to people. All trying to fill the void you left behind. I loved having my entire life revolve around you for all those years and now I hate that I did that because its left me so lost and alone. However I would not change even a minute of it if I could do it all over again. We had a great and amazing love story with a very tragic ending. I wonder if I will ever trust life again. Now i look at everything with a distrust. Good things will only be good until snatched away, happiness is only temporary, what I have today can not be counted on. I miss having that faith in the good things in life. I love you so very much babe. You were my EVERYTHNG. I will always treasure all the memories we made together, all the special times, and especially the amount of love you gave me. You truly taught me what it was to feel special and loved and treasured. That is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give someone. I hope I was able to give you that same gift. Good night my love. I will love you to the end of time always and forever.
Posted on: Wed, 06 Aug 2014 04:16:54 +0000
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