Oh looky looky, what do we have here? This, my friends, is a fart pad. Now as much as I might make fun of the fart pad, I am PRO-fart pad! Yup, if you’re like a sulfuric science experiment gone bad, by all means, purchase yourself a few of these puppies on Amazon, pop them in your underwear and supposedly your farts won’t be stinky anymore. With that said, I had a few brain farts about this product. 1. Does this shit seriously work? I mean like seriously? Because when my husband rips one that’s so potent you could smell it across a field of tulips in Holland, I find it hard to believe that little gray post-it note is going to stop my nose hairs from being singed. And how the hell am I supposed to sneak it into his underwear anyway if it doesn’t work in boxers? 2. These are the directions on Amazon: A. Peel off adhesive and stick it onto the inside of your underwear or pants, exactly where you think it goes (we’re talking about something that’s called a fart pad here, so can’t we just say “over your asshole?”). B. Go for it. Let er rip. Uhhh sure, if all the people around you are deaf maybe. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure this shit doesn’t act like a silencer. 3. It also says that they are great for using on airplanes. Hells yeah, this is brilliant! Yo jackass who decided to eat Chipotle in the waiting area BEFORE getting on the airplane, here’s a product for you. And while we’re on the subject, can we just ban all restaurants that serve massive bean burritos from opening up in airports? Anyways, the next time I fly I’m totally packing a carry-on full of fart pads and handing them out to everyone who’s sitting around me. And please, if you are traveling with small children, make sure to put on your own fart pad first before helping them. 4. So let me get this straight, it saves the people around me, but I don’t get to smell my own farts anymore? Ennnhh, not worth it. Sometimes you need to be a little selfish in life. 5. Directions: Please remove before attempting to give family members a Dutch oven. 6. FYI, it’s for external use only. Why the F does every product have to say that? Like I was going to roll it up and make my tush eat it or something. Here’s the thing, from now on if you’re stupid enough to use some external product internally, you deserve the repercussions. 7. Beans beans they’re good for your heart The more you eat the more you fart The more you fart the better you feel But use a fart pad please or you might just kill your wife with methane. 8. I smell a partnership with Taco Bell here. Free fart pad with every purchase of a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito. 9. Is this model a man or a woman? My husband and I have been debating the shape of “its” body parts for like twenty F’ing minutes and have decided that it’s a man on the top and a female on the bottom. WTF? 10. This is what the product description says: Washable and reusable for several weeks depending on the usage. Depending on the usage? Do the instructions get more explicit because how do I know if we’re talking 6 farts a day or 6 farts an hour? I’m like awww shit, I didn’t know I hit the fart quota yet but the people around me are crinkling their noses. Plus, it’s washable? What?! HIM: Sure, honey, I can throw your laundry in with mine but I’m washing my fart pad in it. ME: Uhh, never mind. I’ll do my own. 11. Apparently they also work on your pets. GUY: Why is your dog wearing underwear? BUDDY: Duh, where else would he put his fart pad? GUY: Oh yeah, duh. 12. The description says, “Simply stick one in the right place and you’re ready for a chili cook-off.” Of course stick it in the wrong place and people are all like, “Dude, is that a fart pad on your forehead?!” 13. Seven and a half inches long. Hells yeah, that should take care of queefs too.
Posted on: Tue, 15 Oct 2013 03:22:51 +0000
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