Ok, so this is going to end up being a long post, but Im looking for some feedback. Ive been working on something, but to me it doesnt quite feel finished (or at least not as good as it could be). Heres the set-up: the first part is something Ive posted before, and what follows is a poem that the first character writes/recites in response to Landrions answer to his initial question. And when you finally realize that there is no more hope for her, what will you do? What brave words will you have then, O Soldier of Passion? I would tell her that I am still here. Landrion peered into the rippling black waters. His heart swelled as the face of Ediana appeared, staring back at him. I am by your side, fighting for you in this war against your darkness. I am the sword that slays the demons of your heart, and the shield that shelters you from the barbs and arrows of those would dare oppose me. I am the hammer that tears through the walls that hold you prisoner. I am the hand that lifts the scared and scarred girl inside and keeps her safe forevermore. I am still here. This is his poem. It wont immediately follow the previous exchange, so dont worry about the awkwardness of that: Caught inside the labyrinths grasp, the girl has lost her way. She follows all the voices that are leading her astray. Behind her walls shes cowering; frightened and alone, Her misery is wrapping her in blankets made of woe. Skies of midnights endlessness have siphoned all her light. Her sorrow never-ending cripples her resolve to fight Against the demons that enslave her; feeding her their hate, Telling her all hope is gone; salvation is too late. This hurt is all shes ever known; the pain of self-defeat, Shes drowning in the currents of the rivers of deceit. She doesnt understand that theres a way out of this hell. She cannot see she holds the key to her own prison cell. Come out, come out, my darling girl, and open up your eyes! Their path leads you to sorrows gates; the words they speak are lies! Through dark of night I come for you; hold on, for I draw near! Your spirit breaks beneath this weight, but I am still right here! So listen to my calling voice, and take this outstretched hand. Together we can find our way out of this wretched land. Your fear will not give up its chase to overtake your mind, But keep your gaze ahead of us; we cannot look behind. Run now to the horizon where the sun comes into view! Today you can begin again; your life can start anew. Maybe its just me, but it feels like something is missing. Any feedback is more than appreciated!
Posted on: Mon, 22 Dec 2014 09:03:18 +0000
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