Oldie but a goodie, this still makes me laugh out loud when ever I read it. Made me think of you Tami after your post this morning about working out!! Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my daughter (the sweet dear that she is) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 21 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Brad, who identified himself as a 26 year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear... oh he sounds very dreamy. My daughter is pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. I am utterly excited to start my new adventure! MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!! Brad gave me a tour of the area and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!!! Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding my stomach in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brad’s rewarding smile and bulging biceps made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try and steer or stop. I was forced to park on top of a GEO Metro in the club parking lot because it seemed to be the parking spot closest to the door. Brad was a little impatient with me, insisting that my screams, moans and groans were bothering the other club members. His voice is a little too perky for so early in the morning and when he scolds me, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why in the Hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too, but I was too hungry to even listen to him. THURSDAY Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I could not help being a half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny idiot to find me. I hate skinny people. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine– I SANK! FRIDAY I hate that Brad guy more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the word. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little punk-ass. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him to death with it. Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t even know what triceps are, do I have any triceps? Brad got mad at me again and I just told him that if he didn’t want dents in the floor, he shouldn’t hand me the friggen barbells or anything else for that matter that weighs more than a sandwich. Oh, that reminds me, I love sandwiches. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director or a big jolly Santa Clause type man? SATURDAY Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly, annoying voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my day- planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so that I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. So while I am in church today, I will pray that next year my daughter (that little spoiled brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun— like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over and touch the floor, he would have sprinkled the ground with diamonds or donuts. Oh, that reminds me, I love donuts.
Posted on: Thu, 22 Jan 2015 19:19:18 +0000
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