On January 1st, 2020 the world changed forever. It started with a solar eclipse and ended with women no longer giving birth to children. The last child to be born on the planet from a female, was in Atlanta, Georgia on December 31st, 2019. And then it got worse….. On January 2d, 2021, every man on the planet, no matter their creed, color or religion, awoke with morning sickness and a baby bump that was barely noticeable or either they were ready to pop. The headline on every news station on the face of the planet displayed men bent over in agony, vomiting, sweating and most of them cursing. The mental institutions were suddenly filled with pregnant men who couldn’t deal with their physical condition. All of my brothers in-law went stark raving mad and had to be institutionalized, except for my wifes brother, who dealt with his pregnancy quite well. Male news casters and movie stars stopped making appearances, with the exception of a few. Their vanity got the better of them and they refused to be shown in person or on television with an extended abdomen, pimply forehead or with a nose that had spread 3 times its normal width! Women laughed as men waddled down the streets holding their bellies, pulling up pants that no longer fit. TMZ had numerous female stars discussing the advent of male pregnancy and the huge increase in male suicides. It turns out that a lot of men weren’t as strong as they thought they were. The thought of carrying a child for 9 months was unthinkable. Like the movie The Happening, men were seen hurtling off the tops of buildings, hitting the ground at maximum velocity, exploding like over ripe pumpkins. In prisons across the country, hard core criminals, rapists, pedophiles, murderers and the male prison staff that watched over them were suddenly displaying baby bumps. Incredibly, since the first male pregnancy, violence came to an abrupt halt throughout prisons worldwide. Wars stopped. Men would no long fight a war while pregnant. And then it got worse. Doctors were at a loss as to how a man could deliver a child, with no uterus, vagina or other female organs. Regardless, they were faced with millions of men, sitting in hospitals, crying, yelling, begging and pleading as the contractions started. Unlike women, men didn’t have the mental fortitude or the inner strength to handle child birth. Consequently men started dying of the pain when the first contractions hit. The first Cesarean sections resulted in men dying by the hundreds of thousands, because at the same time that men could become pregnant, anesthesia no longer quelled the pain for the pregnant men. It still worked for women, but somehow men became exempt of the effects of pain killers. So all births had to be natural and the only way that could happen, was anally! A nasty proposition under any circumstances, but compounded by child birth. 8.5 months and counting, I waddled down the street with a hugely distended belly, wearing 2 pairs of jeans that I had to stich together. With my pregnancy I looked like someone stuck an air hose in my mouth and set it on maximum. My nephew Vince was near retirement from the Marines, but he quit the day he became pregnant. His brother called him up, laughing at him until he looked down and saw his belly slowly start to inflate. He passed out on the phone. I thought about all the times I had laughed (inwardly) at pregnant women or thought that child bearing was trivial or compared some women to penguins as they waddled down the street from side to side. My brother Kenny and my cousin Gerald walked beside me. Both of them pregnant and looking like they could burst at any moment. I swore to my brother that he looked like he was having twins. I had never taken an illegal drug in my life, but found myself drawn to cannabis sativa, also known as marijuana. Man it was good! My wife left me when I became pregnant. She said that she wasn’t the father/mother or the impregnator, so I was on my own. She left, taking the dog with her, which was cool because the dog was really getting belligerent, barking at me to bring his water and dog food, then looking like he was calling me a biotch. I was glad to see his little butt leave!. We sat at a bus stop, looking around at the few men who were brave enough to walk the streets, showing their baby bumps. It looked like a scene from Dante’s Inferno, as men wailed and cried or rolled around on the street, looking up to heaven asking “why me Lord, why me?” receiving no answer other than from women riding up and down the streets, laughing at us while some made cat calls and whistled at us. I felt violated. I hit the cannabis one last time and passed it to my brother, who hit it with tears running down his face as we began the slow trek to the delivery room. The 3 of us instinctively tightening our sphincters as we walked thru the door……
Posted on: Sat, 08 Nov 2014 23:23:21 +0000
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