On this day -- A very once-upon-a-time many years ago -- A feller named Raymond Ivey was laid upon this green and maroon coloured planet we call Earth-- And today we celebrate his continued (success?!?) and (hope for many more?!?) years (gulp!!?) to come: -- and - strangely enough I hadnt heard from him in ages and suddenly last week I saw a like or four from him on here...hm, just in time?!? Anyway: --- Evolution... Ray says we all evolved from monkeys. (OK... Ill buy that. But, what was HE evolved from?) -- When Ray was a kid, he liked to sit at home in front of a roaring fire. Mother used to get angry with him ... they had no fireplace. --- When Ray was new to my circle of friends back in Guelph, I asked him out four times....he was in my home at the time. (I didnt think hed EVER leave!!) -- A bit sophisticated, Ray received polish as a kid...he acquired it by drinking it. -- ** I wanted to post this to his page so all HIS friends and family could read it and nod their heads in knowing ... but hes just so untrusting...some people, huh??!** -- Rays words of logic -- If you dont go to folks funerals, you cant expect them to come to yours! -- I introduced Ray to my parents at a social function. Your boyfriend there is one of the handsomest Ive ever seen! exclaimed me ma. Thats not him, thats the waiter. Cant you see that guy knows how to act in society? -- Ray used to not care which side of the bread was buttered...he drank his meals. -- Many of you know Ray went to nursery school...to learn to be a nurse. What yous may not know is that Ray also had blonde hair (back when he had hair). Anyway... One day he was at the golf course, when, with a mighty whack of his red-stripped croquet mallet, he watched in horror as his ball headed directly toward a foursome of middle-aged men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men who immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. Raymond rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. Please, allow me to help. Im a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if youd allow me to. he begged. Oh, no, Ill be all right. Ill be fine in a few minutes, the man replied. But he was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At Rays persistence however, the wounded man finally allowed Ray to help. So, first Raymond gently took the mans hands away and laid them to the side, loosened the pants and put his hands inside. Ray expertly administered tender and artful massage for several long moments, then asked, How does that feel? Feels great, the man replied; but I still think my thumbs broken! Ray quit nursery school soon after and, well.... we all know where hes at nowadays. -- Ray would have made a great bar waiter. Once, he fell down the stairs with two quarts of beer and didnt spill a drop!! He kept his mouth closed the whole time!! -- Raymond used to work in advertising. He came up with that great slogan of Milk: that white stuff w-out the head! -- Long ago, Ray traveled to Ontario from Back East -- he kept seeing signs that said Drink CANADA DRY -- thats why hes sober today!! -- When Raymond was but a wee lad, he begged his big brudder to take him next he went to the pub to get sloshed. His brudder was a good one, and kindly brought him along for a sodi-pop. Wanting to get sloshed too, Rays brudder decided to spin him around on the bar stool until dizzy. Weeee Raybies squealed... That is, until mum came along, and, not wanting her sweet boy getting dizzy, stopped this nonsense by reaching out with both hands and held his head still. -- Raymonds sisters never had trouble getting him to play house with them. He always played the walls, and got plastered regularly. -- Rays baby-bibs were never cleaned... They were distilled. -- Ray today is as sound as a 1$ bill. (--oh, wait... we dont have those anymore do we. woops) -- What do Ray and Old China have in common? --- theyre both cracked. -- Long ago Ray explored the tundra when one day he came upon a Native village. Nearly frozen to death, they took him to an igloo, where he huddled into a corner. What good is this gonna do me? he asked when they gave him a small thin blanket. They explained You might need it. It gets a little cool at night. .... ....... ...................... .... ...... ....... .............. .... ..... (The funny part is, that Ray huddled himself into a corner ... in a small round igloo) -- Ray is a halfbreed. His father was a man and his mother was a woman. (I think) -- Would I be letting the cat out of the bag if I told you Ray recently got married? (Yes? Well...WOOPSIE). Anyway... On their wedding night, while his new sweetie was in the loo brushing his teeth, Ray called out While youre in there, will you be a dear and brush mine, too?! -- The beauty of marrying Ray ----- is that in twenty years, hell be as pretty as ever! -- Rays mum once sent him to fix a gas leak... He fixed it alright...he didnt pay the bill. -- Rays father was a magician -- he sawed people in half! Dont believe me? Want proof? Go to their family reunion and meet all of Rays half-brothers and half-sisters!! (Oh... Go ahead... LAUGH!! If youre still reading this than youve godda know I worked hard compiling all this. How many of Rays friends would put in such effort?!? Huh? ... thought so) a-hem... -- Ray isnt afraid of girls. Hes competed alongside every single one hes ever met! -- Ray joined the machine age...where all he has to do is stand around scratching himself. -- Failing his drivers test...again, his instructor told him if he got a horse he wouldnt need to drive a car. Aw, go on, doc Ray sneered horses cant drive cars!! -- Theres a new device on the market to keep the inside of taxis quiet ... It fits right over Rays mouth!!!!!!! -- Ray tried to make a new kind of car. He took the wheels from a Cadillac, radiator from a Ford, tires from a Plymouth. What he get? Two years. -- When Ray and I first met, as we sat on the green at the park, he said I love you. I told him but we just got acquainted, and he said I know, but Im only here for the weekend -- Ray sat in front of me once at the movie theatre. I saw the whole film alright... he was in profile and I looked through his ears. -- Ray starred in a Burlesque show --- but it closed after the first performance. ... . he had a shortage or raw material. -- Ray invented Belly Dance when he was 17 while on a train from Halifax to Toronto....while trying to take off his union suit in an upper berth. -- Why does Ray never go to bed before 4 AM? Because his neighbour plays trombone, and Ray keeps knocking on the wall for more encores!! --------- And, thats all I wrote. Now, lets settle-in for a hilarious stage rendition of CABIN IN THE WOODS: ( title on YouTube is wrongk )
Posted on: Mon, 22 Sep 2014 04:30:04 +0000
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