Once, about three and a half years ago, Pearson Barlow lived over on the water front in Olde City. There was a set of stairs that led down to the street below, which in former times was the river bank. These stairs were 300 years old, give or take a few, and had seen their fair share of history. Why, its even thought that William Penn himself had ascended these weather relics in his lifetime. Pearsons apartment was at the top, and our friend Titus Zy lived below, at the bottom of the stairs. Directly abutting the stairs was the doorway alcove to Tituss apartment. One night, I was staying over, when at about 2 AM, we awoke to screams coming from the bottom of the stairs. We could hear a woman screaming and a mans voice...Tituss voice screaming over hers. We threw on shoes and ran down to see what was going on only to be greeted with Titus standing on the side walk, shaking a cell phone in the air and yelling I KNOW WHO YOU ARE! ILL TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU DID! and what looked like muddy, bare footprints leading from his door. I will take this time to mention that we lived across from some of the worst clubs around. The people coming from these clubs didnt give a tin shit about the neighborhood...well..until that fateful night. As it seems, the girl in question did imbibe too much and decided, as she was walking back from the club, that surely her bowels would not hold. So, she back, back, backed it up into Tituss door alcove and proceeded to unleash a geyser of hot butt mud on to his door and stoop. It was about this time that our hero opened the door and found this picture of demure loveliness fertilizing his lawn, so to speak... and let it be known that such actions were indeed improper! As it was told to me, the young lady in question proceed to slip in her own landslide, fall, and lose a shoe and her phone before scrambling off into the darkness leaving a trail of fetid hand and footprints behind. Our hero, not one to be outdone, then snapped a picture of her aftermath and sent it to everyone in her phone and requested that the young lady in question, who had so soiled his home, return to make amends if she wished her phone and all of her nudie pics to be returned. Why am I telling this tale to you, my friends? Because today, in Subway, a young man attempted to order a cheesesteak sub (when in Philly, am I right?). I could tell he was from out of town and was petrified to order for himself, even though he appeared to be at least 14 years of age. When the gentleman behind the counter asked what kind of cheese he wanted, the young mans mother promptly shot up out of her seat and yelled the following; NO CHEESE!! HE CANT HAVE CHEESE!!! OR SALT! NO SALT! NO TOPPINGS HE GETS DIARRHEA! NO CHEESE HONEY!! NO CHEESE! When I think back and wonder what the look on that girls face was when she realized that a picture of her diarrhea volcano was sent to everyone she had ever known, I picture her face looking distorted in shame, much like the young mans face in Subway. Diarrhea, folks, knows no bounds and does not care how you feel. It will get you when you least expect it, even if its through the mouth of your own kin.
Posted on: Mon, 14 Jul 2014 17:49:42 +0000
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