Once again I find myself sleepless. The meds dont always work and I dont wanna push it by taking more. I guess Im just anxious because were going to the game tonight. Its a big deal to us and I think I feel guilty that youre not coming with us. I know this is normal, and i accept it, but its tough son, real tough. Im gonna share what I wrote the other night because i keep reading it and its so true. here goes: I start this by saying , Im doing ok. I feel like Ill make it, at least through today. I almost feel guilty , that Im not a wreck. My heads still together, I keep in check. The problem is this, I dont think I feel. How come Im still breathing? it seems too unreal. The whole world around me says I am so strong, but I just dont believe them, I think they are wrong. I hate how I walk through my days with such stride. I hate how my confidence can give others false pride. Im so not the man they all say is me Im empty and scared of the truth that is me. Forever Ill carry the guilt I cant fight. Cause I couldnt wake you that horrible night. Your hands were so cold, your skin was so pale. I knew when I saw you, we would not prevail. Yet still I kept trying, to hear just one breath. I refused to acknowledge, I was refusing your death. Each waking moment I feel you have missed, I have trouble enjoying, I only get pissed. This weekend were of to see our favorite team, your supposed to be with us, this was both of our dream. We will represent you, your voice will be heard. Ill make such a ruckus youll hear every word. I cant say or certain how this will all go. I cant tell the future, this we all know. Youre the words beyond meaning, the sound we cant hear. Every moment was golden, with you standing near. The words come so easy when Im holding a pen. I wish I said more before this came to an end. Ash you are wiser than anyone I know, your empathy, sympathy and soul always showed. I want to believe that you are still around. Yet I cant help but worry cause I dont hear a sound. Ive been offered some options, if Im willing to try. Some chance to communicate with my favorite guy. Not sure how I feel, is it worth the pain? To feel like I found you, and be hurt again. You left such an impact on all that you touched, accepting its over is just way too much. I couldnt accept when I saw your still face, that you werent coming back, you were quickly erased. Your eyes were so dark and your body so still, I refused to believe it it still makes me ill. I dont know whats coming, or what I should do. I cant make decisions that dont involve you. I cling to the stories, the memories made. I have to hold on, I dont want them to fade. You are perfect and precious, you taught me so much. But I know that its over, not one final touch. I just cant believe it, so hard to accept, I walked away strong, then I came home and wept. I wish we could chat I have so much to say. I wish that Id known you were leaving that day. I honestly question if I should go on, then I recall teaching you to be strong. Ill walk through this gauntlet, and take all the shots. Ill keep taking hits, is that all they got? Your room is the one place I cant seem to deal. Every time I go in there I shudder and reel. Your books and your toys, your clothes and your games. Your guys and your stuffies, you gave them all names. Our dog who we picked out together that night, he misses you too but hes doing alright. Steph and the twins all miss you as well,they ask about you often, and always we tell. How you are no longer, but never you left. You watch for their smiles, your end was a theft. But we know life goes on, for all who are here. With or without you, we still persevere. People need me, and I need them too, but as much as I love them, I only want you. You showed me such love, devotion and trust yet now I just sit here, and watch your toys rust. My son I could go on and fill every page, while not once acknowledging my anger and rage. The sick sense of helplessness I could never explain. The thoughts I must swallow are mostly insane. Ill never forget when I kissed you goodbye, I will never get it, why you had to die Im not writing words to make you feel bad. Im writing to tell you Im glad Im your Dad. Ill finish this chapter, thats all for tonight. Please come when Im sleeping, and say youre alright. I love you so much my beautiful boy. I will always be proud of everything you are. I will see you again one day. Im so excited to see how tonight turns out I cant relax. I hope you get a clear channel to watch this game Ash. This ones for you
Posted on: Sat, 08 Mar 2014 13:51:18 +0000
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