One More Step I have been thinking a lot about the recent loss of Robin Williams. The depth of the despair he felt was obviously overwhelming. If you haven’t been there, there is no way you would understand. I understand. I have only shared this part of my story with a couple of people. Six years ago, my narc was cheating (again). Over the previous few years she began telling me things like “you are so ugly, nobody else would want you” “you are too fat” “you are too stupid for anyone else to love” and things of this nature. This time she left, and I felt lost and clueless. So of course, I wanted her back. I was willing to do “whatever it took”. I ended up buying her another house and we began “reconciling”. This is what she led me to believe. I did not know she was still “seeing” another man and they had a plan to “get rid of me”. She left a couple of clues for me to find about her cheating. When I asked her about it, she blew up. Started yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, biting, then became very calm. I asked if we could talk about it, and she ran into the bathroom screaming, “I’m going to kill myself”. I went to the bathroom door and tried to talk to her, I could hear her “crying”. When she became totally silent, I became frightened she was going to hurt herself and kicked in the bathroom door. She was inside putting on makeup and had fixed her hair. I turned around and left the house. Whenever she became unbearable, I would leave for an hour or so. She of course knew this. While I was gone, she called her friend to come over and they ransacked the house. She also sent some nasty texts to the man she was seeing (of course saying it was me). Then they called the police. An hour later I was arrested in a felony stop. Skipping ahead a bit. In the last few days: I sold my business, bought another house, no longer have a job, I find out my narc is cheating again, I have been arrested, multiple felony charges filed against me, was in jail, can’t see my children and can’t contact my children. To say I was low would be an understatement. New year’s eve 2008, I was alone. I spent the entire night thinking about everything I was going through. Going over everything in my head. I had come to the conclusion she was right. Nobody would want me, I’m ugly, fat and stupid. I am human garbage, just a waste of oxygen. I thought she was right, she had told me “you would be a better father if you just killed yourself.” January 1, 2009, I had made the decision today was the day to end the misery. I went to the garage and gathered everything together. I had rope around the rafters and I was standing on a chair. I closed my eyes, asked God to forgive me, asked him to make sure my kids knew I loved them. Put the other end of the rope around my neck. I took a deep breath and only had one more step. As I picked up my foot to take my last step, my phone went off. I have no idea why I reached into my pocket and looked at it. It was a text from my little girl. “I love you daddy”. I stood on the chair for an hour just crying. I removed the rope from my neck and sat on the chair, in the cold garage crying for a couple more hours. Seeing the text from her, I no longer had the courage or will to die. To this day, my little girl has no idea she saved my life. Four words from my beautiful little girl prevented me from taking one more step.
Posted on: Sat, 16 Aug 2014 07:25:48 +0000
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