One more reason. Sunday the 16th of September 2001. The flag will fly at half mast today.... Those were the parting words of a friend as we went our separate ways that Sunday. He, to his house and I to my room in school. I waved a distracted good bye as I mulled over those words. Half mast...half mast...what did he mean by that? I paused mid-stride and turned to ask why he had said so, but he was gone. A deep sense of foreboding trickled down my veins. But that wasnt strange. I was always looking out for bad omens. I shrugged off the feeling, telling myself that if there was anything to what hed said, I would find out the next time I saw him. But for once, my sense of foreboding was right. My friend would never remember why he said those words. He did not even remember saying them. But I did. With crystal clarity and I was about to find out why. A few eventless hours passed and then I heard my room mates squeak Iwiyisi your brother is here! I must have crossed the entire length of that room in a single leap of joy. Visits from my brother meant one thing. Some sort of delivery from home. It could be provisions, money, clothes or a freshly baked cake...whatever it was, it was always good. Brrrrrrrrooooooooo!!!!! I yelped as he gave me what we have dubbed the bro-hug. (The Bro-hug is a noun that describes the act of enveloping ones sister in a massive hug, lifting her clear off the ground and twirling her around). But there was something not quite right about todays hug. It had a thin feel to it. Like too little sugar in too much tea. But I shrugged the feeling off again. He told me he had come to get me because we were going to celebrate my sisters house warming party. He would not need to say anything more. Party was quite alright for me. I flung on whatever I could find and waved a breezy farewell to my roomies, shaking my head as one or two yelled at me to make sure that I did not come back to school empty handed. We spent the entire drive home talking about my mother and our many escapades as her children. How devoted a mother she was. How rare. It was a happy conversation. For me at least. As we rounded the turn into our street, I asked my brother why we were going home. I had thought we would be going directly to my sisters new place. He replied that we needed to pick a few things for the party. Something, and I couldnt quite place it yet, was VERY wrong here. But I shrugged it off yet again. The first warning bell began its chime when my knock on the door was answered, not by my mother, but by one of my aunts. I greeted her while doing a poor job at concealing my surprise at seeing her and the several other people who were seated in the parlor. As I went round greeting everybody, two questions popped into my head. The first, why were they here? The second, why were they staring at me that way? But...you guessed it...I shrugged it off one last time. I turned to my brother and asked where mummy was. He responded by guiding me towards the area of the apartment where all the rooms were. By now the warning bells had become sirens. Something was VERY wrong. My mothers room was directly opposite ours. So when I got there, I turned instinctively to go into her room to greet her. But for some reason, my brother shook his head silently and steered me towards the opposite door. Our door. I turned and saw to my further bewilderment, the very sister whose party we were meant to be on our way to attend. I took one look at her and the sirens in my head went quiet. Everything went quiet. I could hear the first stutter of my heart. I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, but in truth could not have been more than a few seconds, until my mouth formed the words my heart had been asking from the door. Where is mummy? I watched as tears filled her eyes as she responded Shes gone... Impossible. I looked away from her and searched for confirmation in my brothers eyes. It was at that moment I realized that I had not seen his eyes the entire day. Not in school, not in the car, not even when we got home. THAT was it! That was what had been bugging me! He had been wearing sunshades throughout. Why was he hiding his eyes? The instant I saw those eyes, I knew why he had hidden them. I knew why my friend had said those words. The worst of my fears had come to pass. She had died. I screamed till I was hoarse. They wouldnt let me go to her room. It was all I could think of. But there were hands holding me in place. My brothers the firmest. He steadied me. Eventually, I went in. My eyes went immediately to where she always sat. But she was long gone, I could tell because the room felt cold. The mattress had been stripped and lifted up. She was gone. Long gone. This was the day I had dreaded and its dawning was FAR worse than my dread could have prepared me for. You see, prior to that day, every time I lifted my hands in worship to God, professing my undying love for Him, there was always one question that made me stumble. Made me doubt the very essence of my walk with Him. Would you still love Him if she dies? She had had a stroke three years before, so the possibility of losing her was a very real one. I had wrestled with that question many times, but as I stood there on that awful Sunday, staring at the spot where my mother should have been, it occurred to me that I had never really answered it. I always pushed the thought away. If it was anyone else - ANYONE AT ALL - the answer would have been a painful yes. I would still love Him no matter what. But her? Would I? Could I? Whenever it came to that question, my mind always screeched to a jarring halt. Well, the sum of all my fears was no longer in my head, it had finally happened. There was no avoiding it now. The choice as to whether to sink or swim would be mine to make and it would have to be made FAST. I was in the deep end and I was sinking already. The first night was the hardest. I simply did not want to wake up. Reality was too painful. The more I sought the narcotic of sleep, the more the truth of what was happening hit me. If I continued like that, I would lose the will to live. But I had no strength left and my siblings (who I would normally turn to for help in times like this) were grieving. Deeply. Despair morphed into despondency as I felt myself going under. I was screaming for help on a frequency that only ONE pair of Ears would be able to hear. Just at the point where it looked like help would not come, I heard the words keep breathing.... Not, it is well not God knows best not she is in a better place. Just keep breathing... and with those two words came the strength to put one foot in front of the other. I learnt to focus on getting from one breath to the next. When I would break down again in some random location, I would hear the same encouragement keep breathing. It took a while, but eventually, I came to recognize that voice to be that of the Holy Spirit. He knew PRECISELY what to say to pull me back from despair. He always has. I cannot tell exactly when or how it happened, but somewhere along the line, I had begun to heal. Days became months and months became years and during that time God demonstrated to each one of us (my siblings and I) the untiring nature of His Love. We have laughed, we have cried. We have grown, we have multiplied. We see now how very unmistakable His presence in our lives has been. His fixed, unblinking, unwavering, all - seeing gaze upon us evidence that we have been- and still are - very thoroughly loved. Today the need to understand why she died has been replaced with something FAR better. Her time on earth had come to an end. She wasnt coming back. Her journey had now taken her to a place that I couldnt follow. Or couldnt I? It was at this point that the genius of Gods plan began to unfold in my mind. You see, God had ensured LONG before she died, that there would be a way for us to see each other again. It would be in a place where the fear of parting (indeed, fear of any kind) would be a distant memory of a time long ended. Although this plan had been set in motion millennia before we were born, God had seen to it that we both did not miss our chance when the moment came for us to make the choice. I was transported back in time to the day we both became born again (which by the way was the very same day, in the very same room) neither of us understanding the full extent of the redemptive power of our actions. I could almost see God smile as He watched understanding dawn in my heart. Genius! She was with Him now. I now had one more reason to make sure that I made it to heaven. My journey here is not done. There is still much to do. And I am enjoying doing it. I now have the answer to the question I could not answer years before. I know it because I have lived it. I still love Him. Her death did not stop it, it strengthened it. Even better, I now see how completely He loves me. He always has and He always will. For the hurting and for the lost, find encouragement and direction in these words. Know that you are deeply loved by a God Who has no reservations about showing His entire creation just how much He loves you. Let the pain you are going through draw you closer, not farther from Him. As each day passes, you will find as I did, that He is the ONLY Person you truly cannot do without.
Posted on: Thu, 07 Aug 2014 19:36:41 +0000
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