One of the things Ive noticed over the last years is that until people are prepared to actually deal with their issues, they will complain about them, but never actually look at the underpinnings, tell the truth about what is happening to them, or admit fear. The standard tactic is to blame others (or genetics, or environment), seek to distract questioners with borderline illogic, create arguments to distract questioners with guilt (How can you say that! Thats offensive.), instead of looking at WHY a string of words triggered an anger response. And so forth. And the sad thing is that, hours, days, or years later, these people admit that they were using those techniques to distract, protect, deflect, or slow down the process of change. In dealing with wounded people, it is very common for them to use the following tactics: 1) saying they dont want a relationship. 2) only being attracted to people who are unavailable (due to other commitments, geography, emotional problems). 3) setting impossible preconditions to relationships. 4) drain off all their relationship energy into caretaking and fixing others, rather than dealing with their own stuff. The most honest approach would be to say Im not ready to have a relationship yet. I have work to do. But this is as rare as someone saying Im not ready to lose the weight yet or Im not ready to heal my finances yet. The far more common reaction is to try to convince allies, friends and families that they are fine, doing all they can, are in control. Eventually, the consequent string of failures will either cause enough pain to wake them up, or drive them into bitterness and denial: happiness, health, or success are impossible. Or: they believe they are simply broken. Both are terribly sad, and a waste of life. What stops them from clarity is usually fear. Fear of admitting they are the problem. Or that they dont know what they really want. Or that if they admitted what they really want, they would have to deal with the disappointment of never having it. Or fear that their allies would desert them if they didnt think that every effort was being made. This is very common among people who are trying to lose weight, while actually needing to keep it on. They will EITHER exercise, or diet...but never control input AND output at the same time, because that would actually cause weight loss and dissolve the armor. Fear. If the first step is to acknowledge that the heart needs healing, the second step is to be honest about the fear that causes distortion and deflection. You dont need to have the ANSWER, but you must clearly state the situation, and also the question. Leading to the formulation: 1) I am dealing with massive fear in this arena. 2) I dont know how to deal with that fear. Just the clarity, and the commitment to tell the truth and not take side-trips through delusion, are necessary steps to actually defining the problem clearly and determining the appropriate resources necessary to accomplish the goal. Remember that your ego thinks it is you--it will not help you in this process. Remember the Cradle to the Grave time-line: connect with your childhood goals. Connect with your deathbed values. Conduct yourself on a daily basis so that both your child and elder personalities are happy with what you are doing on a daily basis. Accept no substitutes. -Steve Barnes
Posted on: Sat, 01 Nov 2014 07:41:29 +0000
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