One of the ways I have always enjoyed welcoming in each New Year has been to get out somewhere in nature. To experience the calm of dawn and the serenity of the sun rising on the first morning with hopes, dreams, and prayers for the future and reminiscing on the Blessings of the past year. Over the last couple of years, I havent been able to continue this practice due to ill health. But, this year...Djaingo and I left the house in the dark cold of this rainy, overcast morning all bundled up to bring in the first light of the year at one of our favorite places...Zilker Park. Sitting on Rock Island, the skyline of Austin could barely be made out through the icy fog and the city seemed hushed in its frozen grasp except for the rain that fell on the leaves above our heads. It was a great spot to get lost in reflective thought and hopeful wanderings. Last Thanksgiving was another lonely repeat of several others in recent years spent at home with Fat Doggie. Last Christmas was spent in the hospital; the fourth time to celebrate as a patient in ten years, and the New Year was a cold and lonely night where the stroke of midnight was heard from the bottom of the shower. The year came to an end with me still recovering from the late summer surgery that was to finally give complete healing...but, didnt. New Years Eve gave way to 2014 while I was still suffering immeasurably and loosing hope with each passing day. As each day passed, the unrelenting physical misery tormented my soul and an anger built inside my heart. An anger that turned my blood cold and darkened my thoughts as it wasnt individually directed towards or as the result of anybody except myself...my body. I tried to deal with it. To hide it. That just allowed it to fester. I was supposed to be healed; whatever that meant, and although the nausea was gone...the pain was more intense than it had ever been. Everybody around me would witness my pain dispensed in words or actions that otherwise wouldnt be mine because of this anger. Their hearts would crack as I attempted to break everything around me in a seemingly nonstop rage with wanting to be heard and many a relationship would suffer with each swing I took. This anger was the love-child of despair and hopelessness conceived in everybodys inability to hear my cries or relieve my suffering. As summer came around, another surgery was discussed and this time; assured once again, it would be, the fix. While still reeling from being cut open for the fifteenth time, the fight for a place to live took precedent over my battle to live with finances turning desperate in every respect. This was an unfamiliar battle that produced a very familiar fear of total helplessness in a manner I had not before experienced. I was used to fighting for my life on a daily basis and although I dont have much, it is sufficient and allows comfort in and security for this fight. These injuries and subsequent illnesses have stolen almost everything from me and then, a place to live was threatened. Reluctantly, I agreed to a GoFundMe campaign as a rescue from literally ending up under a bridge somewhere and to hopefully kickstart this dream of helping my fellow Veterans through/with the love of dogs. Through the love of many and with the selfless donations for my aide, Djaingo and I were given some breathing room and my health and the rehabilitation of my body and mind could once again be the focus. As the year came to a close, I found my body getting stronger and healthier everyday. With the last hospitalization; #121, being in August and the last ER run in November, I am still not 100%...but, Im getting there. Just a few weeks ago at my annual physical, weighing in at 151lbs was the most I have weighed in a decade. In the last two months alone, I have put on 24lbs and am still distancing myself from my pre-surgery weight of 117lbs. A running program has been initiated and my goal; on top of getting my body back, is to run in the 2015 New York Marathon and if my old Infantry feet can hack it...itll be done. I used to have a strong body that trained, performed, and recovered well and if it still does...this goal is not too far fetched. As the year came to a close, little did I expect the biggest psychological battle in healing would actually be caused by getting better. For so many years I had tried to keep these health issues from becoming my identity while at the same time, every ounce of my being was consumed by it. As said before, my whole life was about survival...about staying alive. In so many ways, we are what we do. Now that that is not an all encompassing endeavor and misery an ever-present contention, theres a void where the hell once was. It feels like a useless, diseased, and broken limb has been amputated. A limb that was an additional appendage anyway, not really used, and definitely not wanted. And, in some weird way...its missed. On top of this, theres an underlying fear in everything I attempt now of not only the physical pain returning, but also a fear in attempting anything that could potentially cause emotional pain due to the loss or destruction of a dream like so many before. I am not scared of anything but have become fearful of everything. Fear is not only paralyzing, its the mind-killer. I have likened this fear that has developed of any/everything external as the same as being institutionalized just as Red describes in Shawshank Redemption of the walls initially being hated when you come to prison. Before long, you become accustomed to the walls and after a while, one comes to depend on them. But, institutionalized by ill health. This hell has been hated from the beginning and after a while, I did grow accustomed to the repetitive and unyielding misery. Now that this battle seems to have passed in its intensity; I pray, I am lost. This has caused a depression over the past couple of months that has been deeper than any faced before in dealing with my physical health and has left me at a loss. In many ways, I have shut down. From reading/responding to messages, to getting out of the house other than when absolutely necessary, to going to Church or spending time with Friends...its hard to bring myself to do it. Im saddened greatly as this new found; although fragile, good health should be and should have been the happiest time of these past ten years. But, with each passing day, I realize not only how destroyed my life really is, but also how much I have to lose now that I am feeling well. Before, I was already in hell and any drowning wave wouldnt be that much of a detriment as I was already sinking. Now, Im fearful of even the smallest ripple on the water and thats not who I am and not what my spirit is made of. This battle has quickly become more exhausting than any single physical battle fought. But, for the first time in many years, this new year is looked upon with hope. 2014; despite all of its promise and expectation, was one of the most difficult years I have ever experienced. And; in consideration of the past decade and the hell lived therein, thats saying a lot. As thankful as I am of this past year finally coming to an end, I am just as thankful for having had it. As many setbacks as I endured this past year, even more Blessings were received. At times when it seemed to be the darkest, a light in the form of a Friend, a helping hand, or a brief respite from the pain always seemed to give way to the next day. There is hope in tomorrow and whatever challenge it may bring as I have already emerged victorious over that which should have killed me more than once. This emptiness is being filled with dreams of my Brothers and a path is being pursued.
Posted on: Sat, 03 Jan 2015 04:56:01 +0000
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