One phone call can change everything youve pretended not to feel... Today I just feel totally messed up... Like lost... I need to change my number and write off the past... because I hate my past, I have trouble looking forward to the future... it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is. I dont post things for attention... I post them because writing is therapeutic for me... I can write a thought and try to throw it away... So far, I have lived the most strange yet unforgettable life... All by choice... We all make our own bed... I try and pretend that I do not regret a thing, because a life of regret will make u bitter and hold you back from your dreams. I just wish sometimes I could do it over again... I feel as though my chances for love, my passion, my life are withering away with time I cannot pause... I continue to make reachable goals, believe this man will be different, meet new people, allow relationships to destroy my hard work, and believe my break will come. But the break I wait for is breaking me... I refuse to be the person that is always posting statuss about my life being so great and being so happy...I see people Im surrounded with pretend they are so happy to save face. I will never be that fake. This country is a mess. My career is out of business. And real talent barely prevails. A year ago, I decided to be in a film nakedtruckdriver to show the world the reality of starting from the bottom, living the life people desire, and losing it all... I want to be the one that tells the world its OK to fail at something. People always ask me, I thought you moved to LA, Why arent you in Vegas?, Arent you famous, Why arent you famous yet?, so last year, when my sister Rachel Shaw (the director of our film) kept calling me Sarah, I decided for the first time in my life, to come out and say my name... My real name... I got tired of living the double life. Battling with the pressures of Keira the showgirl/model and Sarah the obsessed with fame actress. I just want to be me... Ive always wanted to be famous. But for once, I am uncertain of what it is Ive been chasing. When I was four, I stood on a stage dancing to the song, I want to be in pictures. I believed it then, and I believe it now. I originally chose this life of show for love of attention, art, and fame. In hopes to get the big break. This love later became a rebellious act of revenge due to the shitty boyfriends, school teachers, friends, family, and whoever had hoped Id fail. My love for this life slowly transpired into an obsession of I told you sos. I think I forgot years ago that I used to love what I do. I honestly can say the only time I ever feel alive is when I am on a platform in front of an audience. The rest of my life feels as though I am screaming and no one hears me. I always wanted to be married. I wanted a bunch of children. I wanted a profitable and exciting career but like my x fiance always told me, Sarah, you can and never will have both. I now see myself wanting to prove him wrong as well... I think being a symbol in the entertainment business, makes you feel pressured to live this perfect life so that everyone is proud of you. I think the life of social media and having 6 facebooks, twitters, websites, etc. is a ridiculous amount of pressure having to make the world fall in love with you so that you can make your dreams of stardom come true. I feel awful for celebrities. We all want their life, but I feel a very small connection with them knowing how much pressure they must feel. Like my father always said, This too shall pass. However, I am unsure if I can allow it. With much thought, this may be the year I will decide to give it one final go, or give up the fantasy life. But, this will be the year of the Naked Truck Driver, this will be the year Ill just be me... For those who know or those who dont, Keira is just another role I play in my life of many playbooks. Sarah is the real star who created it all in her head. Im finally deciding to give credit where it is due. I no longer care of what my family, my friends, my acquaintances, or myself thinks of what Ive become. I choose to be me. This is my life... I am the real Keira Riley...
Posted on: Sat, 02 Nov 2013 15:16:33 +0000
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