One year ago today I was home on a day off. It was my first day off after coming back from manager’s conference. It wasn’t a relax and golf kind of day off, but a dentist/errand/recover kind. Jennifer had bought me a car cleaning service for my birthday, and the guys were outside trying to figure out ways to get much more money out of me than the Groupon price she paid for. They kept ringing the bell and offering me services I so “needed”. The last doorbell wasn’t the annoyance I expected…..It was life changing. I opened the door quickly expecting another upsell….And there stood a Florida state trooper. “Do you know a Douglas Leibrock?” I numbly closed the door behind me and all I could see in my mind was my Wife’s face. I asked him to step into the garage away from the eyes of the car crew. He then shakily told me of the accident that took Doug’s all too short life. I felt bad for the officer.I remember thinking how strange a first reaction this was…I needed to digest the information but couldn’t . I felt the heat of the day pressing in on my face. I could hear how the car guys had quieted. My hands started to shake. So much was trying to enter my head and I felt unreality taking up most of it. What had I said to him last? What had Jennifer said to him last? Would her already fragile state collapse?. Could I offer anything that could withstand that? As a husband I had been putting up a strong front for two years as I watched my wife struggle with her big brother’s well being. She was an angel. She was to be his savior. He loved her for it. My job was to stand behind her and push when she leaned back. My job was to sometimes be the bad guy and the target. I don’t know if I did a good job but I always tried to remain steady against the gusts. There were times when it got scary. There were times when I had no answers. When it comes to addiction there really are no right answers. When it comes to the love of a brother and sister that IS the only answer. There was always that. I told the car guys I had to move their van. I called and canceled my dentist appointment. It felt cold doing something as trivial as that when I had not told my wife of this tragedy. I needed my lanes of traffic clear if I was going to do this. I put on some clothes....I kept thinking about the relevance of the clothes I would be wearing (it’s very strange how minds work under the ultimate stress). I drove quickly but carefully in silence for a while until I couldn’t think anymore and I turned on my radio. I was carrying information that nobody wants to hear. I am still carrying it. I got there and she had already been informed (sadly by phone from his “friend”) She saw my face and that was all the confirmation she needed. Her world fell in on her then and she gave in. As I held her on the ground I looked up at an amazing sight. Her company’s entire staff was there for yearly meetings and they surrounded us. Amidst the agony and cries stood what seemed like an army of support. I am still thankful that whoever is running the show above knew enough to let this be. I do not know if those two or so years changed me for the better or not. I got to see first hand how devastating addiction is. I got to see a man who had god given talent, a sharp wit, and sharp mind almost make it out of the hellish journey he had been on for SO many years. I got to see the woman that I love give herself endlessly, and stop giving on a dime when he needed her to stop. I watched him honorably accept our decisions. He was prideful and understood that we did whatever we could for him. We acted from a good place. I will never forget his honor. How could someone who was on the verge of the abyss still hold his head up. He somehow did. He had more will power for 98% of what life threw at him than anyone I know. The 2% was truly poison though. He seemed to understand it all. He seemed to walk through it with a detached sense of it. He seemed to still find time to laugh and smile and love. He brought us his dog Bennyman. We sheltered him also. Benny and Doug both eyed me with suspicion while unconditionally loving Jennifer. I return that suspicion and love from somewhere slightly outside. I miss him. I miss the chance that it would be the turning point. I miss the hope on my wife’s face. I miss the hope myself. I keep hearing it. “Do you know a Douglas Leibrock?” “Yes…..but not as well as I would have liked”
Posted on: Thu, 05 Sep 2013 15:49:06 +0000
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