Ouch my arms hurt from raking up the yard as well as writing this - but it is the truth and educational and this stuff needs to be generated so that people know the truth! When we come to understand narcissism we find that narcissists are masters at their game. They project their dark qualities from within themselves and in turn project them onto those who love them. But we dont understand or think about our own projections that blend us into the equation. We project our goodness upon the narcissist in our lives and then we fall in love with the good qualities in ourselves that we projected onto the narcissist. OK so why would a normal person exchange their goodness with someone that returns nothing but negative projections. Well it is a little thing that hunters do to catch their prey – use traps with bait to draw their prey in. The narcissist uses love or what we call “love bombing” in their trap to lure us in. Quite a shrewd move on the part of the narcissist – but remember they are predators on the prowl for prey. Like many animals in nature they employ a number of techniques to camouflage themselves. We see the narcissist as someone who is empathetic, caring, loving, concerned, compassionate and honest, because this is who we are and the narcissist is just mirroring these traits back to us – they are copycats with an agenda like a terrorist. Once they have secured our trust and love then they are going give us all their psychopathy neatly bundled up and delivered daily as long as we associate with them and believe their psychopathy. Little by little and day by day they absorb our goodness and replace it with their darkness. What a tradeoff for the narcissist our spirit and our very soul embellished by the many wonderful other things we do for them or the beautiful gifts we give them. That was their plan all along, except they forget to mention it to us! I remember being accused of lying, being selfish, greedy, uncommitted, angry, bi-polar, having affairs, and a host of other things that left me questioning whether or not this was really true or my narcissist believed that some of these things were happening. The most difficult thing was that the narcissist really seemed to believe all of this stuff I was accused of – they are very convincing when they are bellowing off their accusations in our faces. The truth is that the narcissist believes they are the saint and we were poisoning their reality – just denial and narcissistic justification. It is the façade they surround themselves with to avoid being swallowed up by their own misery that deflects the reality of what they are. They have to maintain their lying image or else face themselves, so they make everybody else the monster and shame and blame them to death. Think about it – did your narcissist have an affair and lie about it. Did they accuse YOU of being the “unfaithful one”? A big yes here in my world – so what was that all about? How could someone condemn me for what they did, and what does that interpret as far as defining what they are? It defines the delusional narcissist that lives an out of control life of lies and betrayal – but they need a crutch to help them walk through life to avoid seeing themselves for what they are, as well as hide it from everybody else. It’s no “poor narcissist” because they revel in what they do and enjoy it and take, take, take – they just don’t want the consequences so hence the big lie, the con artist, the fake façade. Add to that they cast off any accountability because they disabled empathy from being a part of their being. But once the veil was lifted and I could see through the narcissistic web of illusion I could see what I was being accused of being was never the truth about me but the truth about the narcissist. I could see how I was isolated from all the important people in my life because the narcissist had to keep me wound up so tight in their web of deceit that essentially I was captured by this predator and being devoured. Those weren’t silk threads that were woven, they were chains and barbed wire that would cut me if I tried to move in any other direction. We just cant believe that the narcissist in our lives was capable of doing the things he/she did. It is so out of character from the person we believed him or her to be. The ending of the relationship is almost always traumatic because we learn just how much we have been deceived and the poison is in every level of our lives. We trusted and loved the narcissist and believed in them and now in shock at the truth about their insidious behavior. We are even MORE shocked that he/she has no feeling for us in return and the narcissist just runs off as if nothing ever happened. We gave them part of our life and believed them when they reciprocated with their “fake” love. We believed them when they said they would never do anything to hurt or harm us. BUT now right in front of our face this narcissist is smirking, laughing and acting out in such a hateful manner at our pain and disbelief! It is as if they are standing there with all of their hate saying I can always count on your goodness to get what I want, then they turn away to let us sort out so many levels of their manipulation, betrayal, lies, games and abuse. It traumatizes the targets/victims because it is just too unbelievable to see that we loved a real monster and why. Anybody that would walk in our shoes would wake up quickly and just see how damaging this is to a person. The deeper issue here is we all had intuitions because we all have that similar story of how we were being debased subtly and covertly before and during the devaluation stage. Instead of listening to the voice of intuition we saw our love interest with empathic eyes or all the goodness that lies deep within our own being. We are caring creatures and would never hurt a fly, so how would it be possible that this amazing person in our life could even conceive of hurting us – plus narcissist’s are not blatantly obvious when we first meet them. Just where did we ever learn that a creature like this existed – perhaps in comic books – but nobody raised us in a manner to understand this type of abuse and destruction. Narcissists have no issue with breaking agreements! It is their nature to do so. It is their nature to exploit people for their own advantage. How could someone be so cold and heartless? How could someone suddenly care so little when they appeared to care in the beginning. Was it just so they could get what they wanted and our life is invaluable and expendable! YES – they are narcissists and what is/has been standing before you is not a fully formed human being. They are disordered individuals with absolutely no ability to care yet alone love. Sad but true. Perhaps it is enough to know that we simply cannot comprehend some realities. Could we even begin to conceive the inner workings of a serial killer? Could we understand the mind of a terrorist, a rapist, a con artist or thief? If we are someone who could never do such a thing, then no! We simply cant put ourselves in their shoes. We cant even begin to imagine what goes on inside of a mind that would intentionally set out to destroy another because we place too much value in a human life. We value human life and welfare over our own selfish needs. Although we know it is important to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first sometimes, if we live by the Golden rule we do unto others as we would want them to do unto us. We care about others as we care about ourselves. We dont want to see people get hurt! If we come to a strong understanding that there are narcissists in the world and they do hurt/destroy people then maybe we can put the real perspective on our abuse. We can also be more aware and trust our instincts more when something just doesnt feel right. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck it probably is one. We were taken in by a monster duck, and quite possibly an evil duck that was always quacking in our faces. There is no reason for abuse and NOTHING WE DID or WHAT WE ARE justified the abuse. We can however learn from this, and that is to trust our instincts and have boundaries in place to avoid ever having to live through this experience again. Return the love that you gave because you believed and give it back to yourself – after all it came from us and will return back home to us where it belongs!
Posted on: Tue, 01 Apr 2014 15:30:52 +0000
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