Over 10 years ago, someone once tried to discourage me from traveling in my youth, as it would be harder to get ahead if I essentially kept putting my life on pause, for months at a time while abroad. It doesnt matter who this person is. Their advice, while flawed, was well-intended. However, its amazing just how flawed this advice really is. Allow me to elaborate... What Exactly is Getting Ahead? -------------------------------------- Lets first of all break down what was essentially the Freudian slip of this well-intended anecdote... The notion that one must get ahead implies three things. 1) You must compare yourself to others. 2) You must place value on something tangible (ie. money, status, appearance, etc.) to compare against in the first place. And, 3) You must exceed ____________ (whatever it is), so that you win, when you continue comparing yourself to others periodically. When you break it down like that, it seems a ludicrous mindset. Even at first glance, its obvious that the inevitable disparity between where you are and where your peers are is entirely dependent on whom you compare yourself with. But its a subliminal tendency that essentially all of us share in the human experience. Now, a curious thing happens when you start to really consider our obsession with comparisons... Why Do We Compare Ourselves in the First Place? ----------------------------------- Im sure theres hard science about the specific origins of our built-in tribal-status barometer, but Im going to go out on a limb and simply draw from my own experiences, and say: We compare ourselves to others as a way of determining who WE are as individuals. Where we fall short, we feel sad. And where we rise above, we feel happy. But regardless, much like a spot the differences riddle... from birth, we begin the process of social comparison to essentially form a picture of who we really are, ourselves. Therefore, the more we can rise-above in our own self-perspective... the happier we believe that well be. And this neatly explains the keeping up with the Joness condition. It is actually a pursuit of happiness. But, like the advice I was given long ago - good intentions do not compensate for horrible results. Comparing yourself to others (cognitively or otherwise) in order to find happiness will essentially guarantee the opposite. There is always someone better. Someone richer. Someone fitter. Someone wiser. (Ad infinitum). And ironically, this is why focusing on getting ahead as a means to attaining happiness is literally the stupidest thing someone can pursue. Its an impossible metric, and one where the goal posts constantly shift based on your sample size (peer group). Furthermore - as you become more successful (in whatever - finances, health, etc.), guess what? Your peer group CHANGES. And goal line moves forward. And youre now competing against an even more impressive set of Joness. Now, lets bring this full-circle, and talk about what I believe is the key to (actually) attaining happiness... ------------------- So if the Notion of Getting Ahead Inevitably Leads to Unhappiness... How Can We Actually Become Happy? ------------------- Being the relatively grumpy bastard that I am (most days), I hardly feel qualified to stand on the soapbox and preach about the secret of happiness. However, that said, what has (ironically) been the source of the majority of my insight into this topic has been none other than - you guessed it - travelling the world for months at a time. Heres a few examples: * When we lived in Costa Rica through 2006 - 2007, we discovered first hand just how miserable the local Tico population had become as a DIRECT RESULT of foreign investment showing up... putting up multi-million dollar resorts (and drawing in wealthy tourists), in what were once just simple fishing villages. Yes, the locals had better jobs, the economy exploded, and so on. But simultaneously, the Costa Ricans could now begin to tangibly COMPARE themselves with foreigners. And their seemingly endless money, incredible (comparative) lifestyle, and so on. We saw that, plainly, it was not relative poverty what makes people unhappy. It was VISIBLE DISPARITY. (Theres a big difference). * And on the flip side, when we first experienced Monaco (arguably one of the wealthiest epicentres on the planet), I vividly remember watching this group of people walk off the biggest yacht in the harbour (easily worth $100M+), and over to the restaurant we were sitting at. They ended up sitting at the table next to us. And it was mind-blowing to overhear their conversation that evening, just in terms of how negative everyone seemed. One person was going through a divorce, and literally everyone else was just gossiping or complaining about various things. These were people who were the top 1% OF the 1%. And still unhappy. Lastly, * Ill never forget our taxi ride from the airport in Cairo, to our hotel in Giza. Not only is the city, and its traffic, indescribably insane (its a city of 22 Million, in an area 1/10th the size of NYC)... ...but its also a place that symbolizes a very real personal awakening, in terms of beginning the realize the futility of much of our ambitions and ideologies. I wont go into too much detail (Ill save it for another post, perhaps), but suffice it to say that when youre in a place that, in another epoch, was literally the epicentre of the worlds most influential culture - and whose monuments still tower over the city as if theyre mountains... ...it can be a little disheartening to see what 4,500 years of progress looks like, first hand. Especially when you drive through a place they call the city of the dead. Where over 1 million of the citys poorest people live in tombs. We are but passing shadows. And all of our accomplishments... all of our getting ahead, ultimately means nothing. These are some of the things you get to experience when you trade getting ahead, for travelling abroad, months at a time. And as for how this all wraps up nicely into a simple truth, regarding how we can actually attain happiness? Well, heres my best shot at it: ----------------------------------------- Happiness is merely a construct that we (humanity) have conjured, and for most of us, the measure of it is determined by the volume of disparity between us and our peers, when we compare ourselves accordingly. Therefore, we can hack our level of happiness in two ways: 1) We can simply NOT compare ourselves, and simply set our own goal posts according to the things we actually want, individually. This goes against human nature, but still - perhaps transcendence at this level is possible. Alternatively... 2) We can embrace our comparing complex... but we can tweak it by changing our VALUES, and our SAMPLE SIZE of peers. And for myself, I have found traveling to be the one activity that - more than any other - will expose you to other sets of values, and other peers, more than anything else. Its hard to care about the rat race when you get off a plane in New Delhi, where the average person makes $2 a day. And similarly, its hard to take your ideologies and beliefs too seriously, when you see other people, in other cultures, who are just as happy and fervent as yourself... but who have completely different beliefs. Therefore, to distill everything into one takeaway, I would say: Forget getting ahead. And similarly, dont try to transcend your nature. Instead, transcend BORDERS - and try to relate to as many different people, cultures and lifestyles as you can. Expand your peer group as far as you can. So that when you (inevitably) compare yourself... it wont be relevant.
Posted on: Wed, 03 Sep 2014 01:57:16 +0000
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