Over 41 HOURS LEFT IN THIS YEAR BEFORE THE NEW YEAR. How the hell do I feel? Honestly if I just let it all out I would say that for me life sucks and Im tired of dealing with all of this and Im ready to give up. It sucks getting up like today and feeling like you can barely walk and cant wait to pop those pills which you know arent giving much relief but hoping that this will be the day the moment when you feel a difference so you can say a big fu**ing ah haaaaaa. This is what I have been waiting for and that everything has been worth it. Who wants to get up everyday with pain? Surgery after surgery not knowing if this was the one to do it. One to correct the first one due to the body rejecting what was put in those coflex stabilizers and to fix the complications of the first one with the fluid build up but now one has to deal with pain in other parts of the leg that werent there before. Is it something new or the healing that I must go through? Who is to say? I cant. Walk as I must. Walk as I can. Who wants to go to the office of the infectious disease office everyday for 6 weeks for the Cubicin medication for the baterial infection that was discovered in my body from this last surgery which was just over 8 days ago. Rest of the cultures still pending. What will it finally result in?..I cant say. Who likes to deal with autoimmune diseases rare diseases each day upon wakening. Off to get IVIG Gammagard 4 days every 4 weeks with 2 bags of iv fluids each day with those. Who wants to deal with that even 4 weeks....month after that ....year after that. Who likes to open their dresser to see their pill container. Not one but two containers as there are some many pills...36 consumed each day. Who likes to swallow them each day not knowing what the fu** in the long run it does to the body. Pill after pill. Side effect after side effect. Realizing that those containers have to be filled again as that week went by that fast. One asks oneself looking at those empty pill spots for those pills to be filled what did I do in those empty hours that those pills were there. What did I do to live in those hours? What did I do in those hours to make my life matter? To me? To my friends? To my family? To people whom I may have touched in my life and may have sparked a flicker of inspiration? Do I want to be like those empty spots or do I want to fill those spots with periods of my life that will have meaning and that I can share? Who likes to go to the post office to check ones PO Box or their own mail box to see what bill is there just waiting to be paid or to discover a notice from your insurance provider for your prescriptions that the only 2 cholesterol pills one can take as I cant take the statins the Welchol and the Lovaza is no longer in the category to be covered and now its another fu**ing hassle for my doctors office to battle it out with these insurance companies. Last year it was 4 medicines not covered one of which was my IVIG med that had to be changed. Bill after bill. Stacked upon stacked. Not knowing when or how to be paid. How one gets creative to do so. How one wonders how its all to be done. Friends? Where are they in times like this? Where are those who say call if you need anything? Where are those that you thought would ne there but your phone doesnt ring with their phone number on it but they will make the first comment to say oh you heard from that person after all these years. I get more compassion in the look of a stranger who holds the door for me or sees the agony on my face and offers a smile. A kind word. A conversation that lingers with me throughout the day. Wheres the family? Those who were suppose to be there? Wheres that blood line? I feel closer to strangers and members in groups I have joined on line that understand or listen and may offer words of encouragement or prayers. More words that I can count on one hand that I get from some family members. There are family members on Lees side that have visited and I am grateful for that. My dreams? My hopes? My goals? Where are they? What happened to them? I know they are there. I know they are deep inside me. They are there. They are part of me. They are fu**ing longing to get out. To burst out. Struggle as I may. Struggle as I might . Do I want to wallow in myself dout? My self misery? Is this recliner chair my only thing that offers comfort and support from th pain or do I get up...take those steps and face that 4 letter word PAIN face to face. Locked into a never ending battle. One wants to scream. One wants to yell. One wants to say here I am. Here I stand. Tall as I might not be but here I am. Im not to be counted out yet. Im not yet to be lowered six feet under. Im not ready to give up and become a distant memory. In a word FU** THAT. 2015 is approaching. This past year was not the best by a long shot. Here comes a new year. A new slate to begin. Will there be pain. Yes. Will there be doubt. Yes. Will there be tears. Yes. But hell I will be there. Time to dust off those dreams. Time to dust off those hopes. Time to dust off all that is me. Time to dream. Dream big. Face what I may with strength courage and determination. Time to surround myself with others who support me and help me to grow as a person. I dont care if people around me get tired of my rants and raves or that I write about what I wish to including my medical because this is my life. This is me. This is what I am. 2015 a year to look forward. 2015 a year to get out of the comfort zone. 2015 a year for me to be heard. Thanks for reading this. Thanks for responding. God Bless and have a Great Day.
Posted on: Tue, 30 Dec 2014 12:51:07 +0000
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