PART 8 I wake up with a searing pain down my back. I try to get up but find that I can’t. After struggling for a while, I decide to call for help. Grace arrives almost immediately and helps me up. She inspects my back and finds no abnormalities, no redness, no swelling, nothing. She says that she’ll call the doctor later and he’ll have a look. I still can’t get out of bed and have my breakfast in bed. My hands are dry and stiff and seem to be breaking open in cuts more often now. Even though they’re minute cuts they hurt quite a bit. My lips have also not been spared the harsh winter weather and are cut open at a few places. I can live with the cut lips and hands but they just add to me being uncomfortable. The doctor comes to assess me later and concludes that nothing is wrong. He puts my symptoms down to old age and prescribes painkillers before leaving. I ask Grace about a cream for my hands and maybe vaseline for my lips. She looks at me with a great sadness in her eyes ‘I’m sorry Mrs Kasim, we’re all out of cream and vaseline. We haven’t had funds to buy things for the home in a while. Things are tight, we rely on people’s donations’. I nod. I feel like the last shred of humanity have been taken away from me. I’m not allowed to die in the comfort of my own home, not allowed to die happily, not allowed to die around familiar things. I suppress the tears that threaten to fall over. No use crying over that which I cannot control. I feel like my legs are becoming weaker since I haven’t been using them. I’m afraid that when the cast does eventually come off I won’t be able to walk anymore. I take a painkiller for my back and lie down. Grace wakes me up at supper time and I find that I can’t move. Sitting up is too painful for me. ‘Its ok Mrs Kasim. Don’t strain yourself, we’ll have one of the nurses feed you while lying down’ she says. I feel like I’ve relinquished the last bit of control that I had. The nurse arrives and props me up at a 30 degree angle before attempting to feed me. Supper is soup and as she feeds me I feel some of the soup sliding down the sides of my mouth and down my neck. After a few spoonfuls the nurse wipes me. I want her to wipe away the food after every spoonful but I’m at her mercy, I don’t have the choice of how I should be fed. After I’ve finished the soup, or rather half the bowl of soup since the other half slid down me the nurse helps me to drink water. She elevates my head and then pours the water into my mouth. Only the water runs down my face and onto my chest. The indignity of it all! She brings a cloth and wipes me but I can feel that my clothes are still wet. She doesn’t make an effort to change me and instead leaves. I spend the night shivering in my bed and feeling dirty. I’m pretty sure there are dried pieces of soup on my neck. All I want is to be bathed properly in warm water tomorrow. I’ve resigned myself to fact that I’m going to be bathed by someone. I try to distance myself from the situation. I’m there in body but not in soul. I’ve also started to cough and my nose seems to be running. I think I’ve caught the flu. Grace notices and checks up on me during the day. When I lie down I can feel the phlegm build up at the back of my throat. Its not long before my throat starts to ache too and the doctor is called in again.
Posted on: Thu, 01 Jan 2015 19:45:34 +0000
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