PLEASE READ EVERYONE AND KNOW THAT I DO NOT EXPECT ANY COMMENTS BACK AND NO I AM NOT RANTING OR RAVING... JUST TELLING YOU ALL HOW IT IS FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME... SOME HAVE IT WORSE THAN ME SOME BETTER THAN ME... THIS IS MY STORY... tonight I put a gun to my head and instead of pulling the trigger I called a friend for help.... and what started it all was a fight with my wonderful partner and instead of being understanding I started yelling and being all pissed off... this goes out to all the people who dont understand and who thinks that I am just a mean person...... 1. I never asked to be this way 2. I never asked for it to be turned on 3, do you really think I like being the way that I am... I am a prisoner in my own mind I do not know how to turn it off... I look over my shoulder.. I trust no one.... I have a loaded 9mm ready to be used at a given moment.. I go out to eat and I watch the door and the people inside waiting for someone to yell allah and set off a bomb... I am a soldier... I have done my time as a soldier... I have been trained to do all kinds of things... but I have never been taught how to turn it off... I have been sent to war and have everything and everybody taken from me... and told I have to go somewhere and have to be taught how to ask and what to do... given what they want me to have and told its mine take care of it... then after time passes by and I get use to my surroundings then I am told to go home and give back what is mine... and once home I am told if u need anything go to the va.... I do not wish to be this way... I do not wish to hurt the people I love and hold dear to my heart... I do not wish to embarrass them in front of there friends... I dont want to yell or fight or anything else... I was peace in my house.... but here is who I am... I want my stuff left alone... it is mine do not touch it... my stuff is always being moved or touched... it is not where I left it... so then I have to ask where it is... that makes me mad... but I also understand why it is moved at times... I have had nightmares a few times... now they are what I call daymares I can have them at any time of the day while awake.. I can see something that happened in 5 minutes in my daymares that could have taken 3 hours to me in real life from my past... I can not speak about some of the things I have seen or done while overseas on my tours yes that means 2 of them... all I can say is this... I love my family and I will protect them from harm... but how do I protect them from me.... my partner who I plan to marry thinks I chose to be this was and thinks I am over reacting on everything.... I dont like packed rooms.. I dont like tight places... I dont like not having a way out.... I dont like having to watch my back all the time... I dont like being on edge... I dont like how I feel about who I am... I try to hide it all the time but I know it still shows.... this will be my last post on here... in a week I will shut my face book down for good... for those of you who know me you have other ways of getting ahold of me... good by and have a good life
Posted on: Sun, 19 Jan 2014 06:00:58 +0000
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