*PLEASE SHARE ANY AND ALL OF MY POSTS YOU THINK WILL HELP SOMEONE! THAT IS MY HEART TO GIVE PEOPLE A REASON TO LIVE AND TO GIVE PEOPLE UNDERSTANING AND TO HELP THE HURTING* Before I became integrated (meaning all my dissociated parts or personalities unified and I become one in my internal identity) I had no understanding or ability how to communicate my emotions because I basically had no emotion pool.. When something triggered me I would just swtich to a part of me that could handle it... I had no idea what or how I processed things it was all autopilot actions... Learning to communicate my feelings was hard for me because I never felt like I learned how because of many things... There was no me to exist for me I only existed in everyone elses worlds in order to help them... My first attempts at finding my feelings or expressing them was when I was still split and fragmented and fractured into many parts of myself that had no connection or awareness of the other parts... This is where the term multiple personalities came from... It took me two years of slowly climbing out of myself and finding who I was and I expressed bits and pieces here and there to my dear friend Julie... One way my parts learned to reach out and express how it felt was through music videos and songs... I couldnt identify how I felt but something in me would see something and I could identity that whatever that song was saying was indeed how I felt... I was still unable to say what that feeling was but it was a beginning of learning how to express what was happening somewhere in me.... I sent this song to Julie the day I got to Bethel for SOZO to meet with a lady to talk to me about integration... I had realized this song was an accurate description of my life... Although I dont agree with the lies part... I never intentionally lied... I was just completely separate from all the different parts in my own self and most of the time had no memories of one while I was switched to another... I was in a desperate state of survival... I had strong negative religious influence in my life when I was young and I was made to believe that the health issues I dealt with were a sign that I was worthless as a Christian and I was a failure because I couldnt or wouldnt get myself healed.. I felt like I wasnt good enough to be loved by God... That He gave me these amazing gifts to be able to see in the spirit and I was being punished somehow for not being good enough to get myself healed... I almost died many times proving I had faith... I was carried out in ambulances... So I learned for many reasons that life is not safe and people are not safe so I hid all my weaknesses so people would not attack me on them... In the meantime I built up everyone else in their strengths... None of that was based on lies... I was just split... The lie I believed was that God didnt love me and I was worthless and not good enough to be healed.... It was a lie... I know that now... I have stood in more faith that most people I know... Be careful with your words... They can build or tear down... I have spent my life building people and will continue... I sent this song to Julie and I was terrified no one would like me when I was whole... I had no idea who I was... God walked me through everything I learned about identity so I could teach others the power of knowing who you are... I stand in strength now and I will always be a voice for the voiceless out there... #makefreedomyourpriority #findyoubeyouloveyou #nevergiveup #youareworthit #ificandoitsocanyou
Posted on: Fri, 08 Aug 2014 20:19:09 +0000
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