PRAYER WARRIOR UPDATE: 1/14/15pm Good news, bad experience. Todays mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy revealed what appears to be a benign cyst. YEAH! That being said, it was a horrid experience. Im a relatively tough cookie, but I totally crumbled. The battle against breast cancer isnt always pink ribbons. Thank God for Carl s strength and reassurance. And all I will say about the personnel interaction is BE KINDER THAN NECESSARY! Although Im trying super hard to behave in a sort of socially acceptable manner along this journey, I wont get any stars for good behavior today. After the mammogram, I just lost all composure and wanted Carl with me during the ultrasound. I just couldnt regain composure and was brutally honest to the insensitive tech who kept saying are you ok? Apparently I wasnt supposed to say, NO! Im not OK. Im dealing with @(#* breast cancer and I want my husband beside me. Yeah, I was granted a visitation, but they werent happy about it. Im being honest here, so you all will learn that I am galaxies from perfect. Theres not a rule book on how to deal with emotions through this, and, if there were, Id have to read it after learning how to navigate this new minefield, learning all the terms and being on my knees seeking the guidance I need most. And, Yes, Im working to improve my vocabulary, even to the point of creating my own words, but this heres a real and raw look at what this journey is. Please pray for my soul, but keep any judgments of my less than holy behavior between you and God. ;) After the ultrasound, before the biopsy, Carl was sent back out to the waiting room. And I was alone in a horrid little closet/dressing room with the chair we swiped from the ultrasound room. THANK ALL OF YOU FOR THE SUPPORTIVE COMMENTS AND SWEET POSTS - for 15 minutes I just read them and was able to sense that, although I sat in that little worse than a slum store dressing room, sniveling and snotting, I was not alone. Yes, God is always with me, but you all are his hands here on earth, my friends! As some of you know, I cannot physically tolerate the smell of antibacterial/antiseptic hand sanitizer. I literally wretch. This reaction started in 2006 when I experienced total toxic shock syndrome from a staph b infection through a cut in my thumb. So although the use of hand sanitizers has become rampant, my ability to tolerate it has not. For whatever reason, I was unable to satisfactorily communicate clearly that the smell of hand sanitizer (regardless of the scent) physically makes me sick. The dr and tech would not wash the smell off or keep their hands away from my face therefore I almost wretched...and the techs biggest concern was that I kindly do so into the trashcan...and she didnt even know my name in the process. The radiology doctor got peeved that I was getting sick and upset and literally left me in the room for over 20 minutes - without communicating what was going on. At some point in the mix, she actually suggested I go somewhere else to be treated if I didnt like the way she was doing things (snippy, not in a caring manner). It was gut-wrenching and emotionally draining, and just mean. I was not allowed to have music (truly a calming mechanism for me) and Carl wasnt allowed to be in the room. I had NO faith in their ability to do their jobs because they FAILED to show they cared. In my head, I kept going over and over the words of David Crowders I AM, because, in all my imperfection, I AM holding on to God through all of this. (Dr Goulet called to discuss and assures me the results are accurate and the films did not confirm his concern without regard to their lacking professional conduct.) I visited with the Breast Navigator (No, my funny friends, its not a teenage boys dream job.) We reviewed the facts, dealt with the days issues, and revisited probable surgical options. So now we wait for the genetic testing result. I have a preliminary appointment with a plastic surgeon on Jan 23rd. And I decide if Im going to get a second opinion. Carl knew I was totally physically and emotionally spent - as we left the hospital at 12:50, Carl conceded to Papa Roux for lunch (I like cajun; he loves me!) and then totally surprised me with a sweet treat at South Bend Chocolates on the Circle. (He put a fun pic on his facebook, but I dont know how to post it here.) Frankly, hes wiped out, too. For now, we make our attempt at living normally and see where the path leads and how God uses this insanity for glory! Your thoughts and prayers mean so much to me, to us. Please, friends, praise God for all that is good in your life, seek him at all times, because in times of trials and troubles, you will naturally be able to call on him., and, frankly, I dont know how I would have gotten through many things in my life, but I cant imagine this journey, even at these early parts, without my relationship with God. Time to go do life with this crazy wonderful crew. Hugs to all of you!
Posted on: Wed, 14 Jan 2015 23:19:25 +0000
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