Pagan Football Heard one night on Between the Worlds Radio, WIKA... Bob: For those of you who have just joined us, this has been one hell of a game! The Salem Witches, led by the ferocious play of Sven Gahrinnson, a huge Asatru defensive end, have taken a 21-14 lead over the Bethany Baptists. Sam: Thats right, Bob. Svens a force, but Bethanys quarterback Paul Damascus has been throwing passes with all the zeal of an evangelist passing out tracts on Judgment Day. Leading the Baptists Fire and Brimstone offense, Damascus has been burning the Witches secondary all evening. Bob: Sam, now that was uncalled for... Sam: Hey, if the Witches hadnt put a spell on the referees they wouldnt even be in this game! Bob: And if the Baptists hadnt soaked the field with holy water, the Witches would still be able to use their running game, not to mention the third degree burns that Salems tight end received. Sam: His name was Vlad! Ill bet he wasnt only a witch but a Bob: Dont say it! Sam: But the Bible says... Bob: SAM! Lets return to the action on the field. Sam: [mumbling] Well it does... Bob: Salems just about to kick off with 2:35 left in the fourth quarter. John-Paul is on his own five-yard line to receive for the Baptists. Heres the kick... Its a beauty! Just look at the hang time! Sam: Id look for a penalty on that kick. Illegal summoning of air elementals, I would think. Bob: John-Paul takes the kick... hes on the ten... the fifteen WOW! WHAT A HIT!! Sven just leveled John-Paul! Im amazed Bethanys return man could even hold on to the ball. Uh oh... John-Pauls not moving. The trainers are coming out to the field. Sam: [chanting gleefully] Threefold law! Threefold law! Svens going to pay! He meant to hit him hard. Bob: Sam, this is football! Youre supposed to hit them hard. Besides, Svens not Wiccan, hes Asatru! Sam: [mumbling] Well, theyre all going to burn in hell. They arent Christian, after all. The Bible says -- Bob: [cutting off Sam] It looks like John-Pauls going to be okay. He may not know what time zone hes in after that hit, but at least hes on his feet. The Witches defense takes the field. Sven holds down the left side while Gavin Lord leads Salems Wild Hunt defense. Listen to them howl! The Witches fans are going wild, the pep band is leading a spiral dance while the cheerleaders are drawing down the moon. I cant imagine how Bethany can even hear the count over all this noise! Heres the snap. Damascus drops back. Here comes Sven! Damascus is scrambling, chased by the Wild Hunt. He has nowhere to run, not with the Hunt on his heels. Damascus throws the ball away, stopping the clock with 2:08 left to play. Sam: Theres a flag on the play. Ill bet its against the Witches Bob: My guess is holding on the offense, Sam. Sam: Yeah, right. Youre just saying that cause you dont want the Baptists to win. Bob: No, Im saying that because one of Bethanys offensive linemen is still holding someones kilt! Sam: They should call that a foul. After all, the Bible says -- Bob: [cutting Sam off again] The refs have marked off the penalty and the players are lining up again. Damascus is calling the signals. Heres the snap. He drops back and throws. Its caught by Moses at the 30, and hes brought down immediately. Thats going to bring up the two minute warning. Sam: Lets break for a word from our sponsor, New Jerusalem Witnessing Tracts. Bob: Lets not. Were back! The word on John-Pauls injury is either a slight concussion or demon possession. The team is calling in a specialist from the Vatican to be sure. It seems that Sven hit him hard enough that the Bethany return man thinks hes in a past life. He keeps saying, I was really just kidding. I like lions. Really. Good kitty! Theres 1:58 left on the game clock and from the look of things on the field, I think that Bethanys starting to panic. Sam: Why do you say that? Bob: Because it looks like theyre going for the Hail Mary play. Sam: And why do you say that? Bob: Just listen to the Baptists fans. Fans: Hail Mary, Mother of God... Hail Mary, Mother of God... Bob: Heres the snap. Damascus drops back... hes under pressure... Damascus scrambles to the right, looking for an open receiver... he reverses the field, running to the left... Sven is right on his heels... He throws... Touchdown!! What an immaculate reception! Touchdown Bethany! Sam: Yes! Yes! YES!!! Bob: Lets be a little objective here... Sam: Time to make those sinners pay! Bob: Bethanys going for the two point conversion. The Wild Hunt is growling, you can hear it even over the roar of the crowd. This could be the game right here, folks. The Baptists are pulling out all the stops. I think thats even the Ark of the Covenant that theyre parading over there. Heres the snap... Its a quarterback sneak! Damascus dives into the heart of the Wild Hunt! Look at that pile! Damascus is somewhere at the bottom. Its going to be a moment before they sort this one out, folks. One of the Baptists is in Svens face. Uh oh... I think hes witnessing to the Asatru. Yep! Theres the flag! Thatll be unsportsman-like conduct on Bethany. Fifteen yards off the kick off. It looks like the Baptists have made the conversion! Bethany leads 22 to 21. Sam: Thats not the only thing they converted. It looks like Sven is headed back to Bethanys sideline. Bob: No! Sven! Youre a warrior! Come back! Come back! Sam: Oh... is da widdle asatwoo a kwistjun now? Bob: [ignoring Sam] Fourth quarter... 1:22 left on the clock. Bethany sends a deep booming kick into Salems end zone. Wait... who is that returning the kick? Long hair... curves... Its Artemis! Those Bethany defenders dont know who they have coming at them! Sam: If she turns anyone into a stag and they dont call a penalty, Ill protest! Bob: Artemis fields the ball deep in her own end zone. Shes bringing it out! Shes at the five, at the ten... breaks a tackle to the fifteen, the twenty... shes on the sideline with room to run... Does anyone hear trumpets? Are those angels over there? OHMIGOD WHAT WAS THAT FLASH OF LIGHT?!?!??! Sam: Where did all of Bethanys players go? Where are their fans? Bob: Looks like its the Rapture... Artemis is left with a field empty of defenders... Shes at the fifty... the forty... the twenty...Touchdown!! Salems ahead by five with Bethany nowhere in sight! Sam: Judgment Day... It cant be Judgment Day... Bob: Looks like the refs are talking this one over. The clock is stopped with fifty-eight seconds left to play. The Bethany Baptists are nowhere in sight and the Salem Witches lead 27 - 22. Heres the official ruling...Thats game! The Bethany Baptists forfeit the game and the Salem Witches win, 27 - 22! Sam: [still bemoaning his fate] Judgment Day... It was Judgment Day and no one came to get me! It cant be Judgment Day! Why? Why, Bob? Why? Bob: Dont know, Sam. Its your system of belief, not mine. Youre welcome to hang out with us Pagans. Sam: Dear GOD! It was Judgment Day and they sent me to Hell! This is Hell, isnt it Bob? Bob: [thinking of being the only Pagan that Sam knows] Only for me, Sam. Only for me.
Posted on: Sat, 15 Nov 2014 03:10:05 +0000
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