Pain then and now John Calvi July 2014 I know I have no capacity for my own body pain, none, never have. It’s not a low threshold- it’s no threshold. I can’t tolerate physical pain at all. So it was very unfortunate that while packing for a family wedding on the west coast I visited an eye doctor about some flashes of light I’d seen for a few days. He found a small tear in the right retina and sent me to a specialist the next day. And today that specialist treated me with laser as an effective therapy to stop that tear from growing. And this evening I am fine in so far as the eye is concerned. There is no more pain and my vision is clear. But there was the morning part, the time of treatment and afterwards that’s laid me low. The laser treatment is brief, less than 5 minutes. But it hurt like hell. One must stay still so that the doc’s aim is good. But from the first of maybe 20 or 30 strikes of the laser I was in God awful pain inside my eye in a way I can’t describe. I had to hold still knowing more was coming in order to receive treatment to save sight in my right eye. The two assistants and doc were informative, though no one inquired about pain threshold nor about abuse history. All said the pain would be slight. It took all my steel to stay in place and allow the pain to strike me again and again. It was clear the doc was uncomfortable with how much pain I was in and he was quick and efficient so far as I could tell. When he was done, he asked how I was and then escorted me to a receptionist to put a check up appointment on the calendar. Then I was out the door and in my car. I was totally unprepared for what came next, a flood of memory of every time I’d been struck or betrayed by people who were supposed to take care of me. It was a long list in a long life and it all showed up in a parade of horribles with matching impact of the pain in the eye. I drove home for an hour crying the whole way about the pain in my life and how much of it was from stupid and mean people. At home I slept several hours twice and in between and now this evening I walk around dazed as though I’ve been mugged. And I have been mugged, mugged by my own life, mugged by the kaleidoscope of a flash flood of memory overwhelming all rational thought, all balance and defenses completely. Now I am resting and recovering. I’m in no danger of all that old hurt coming again because I’ve built an entirely new life in 61 years. But the drunken hangover of memory lingers like a fading fog, like a fading photograph that I’ve place away from me. I turn now to clear my schedule for a bit to rest and re-ground all my being. I know this pit stop of learning informs me. This learning will not fade but be of use for myself and others by and by. But now it’s a nap and good food time of rest and slowly coming out of the haze and back into the beautiful summer of Vermont and our cozy home and refuge. Love is stronger than pain over time, but there must be lots of it to feather the nest deeply. I am well now, well-ish. Tomorrow I’ll be better and more me and I’ll take the time I need for this.
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 00:10:13 +0000
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