Pamela Rementer Stuski - This is from 2008 but Ive had it done again since then. Dont worry, it will be fine. ________________________________________ Background: Ive been having terrible dizzy spells; chest pain; back pain and “stretching into my special place” pain. Now, anyone who knows me/us might immediately say - Geez, sounds like your describing Larry. Well no, this time Im thinking I should see a doctor (other than a shrink). So, I see the doctor and he says well start out with an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. Naturally, my first concern was that he would either shove something so far down my throat to get to my special place, or so far up my special place to get to my throat. Neither situation sounded like a good time to me and I said so. He assured me that such would not be the case. Now, heres my second concern. He said well just do the endoscopy, flip you over and then do the colonoscopy. Excuse me, you’ll be Julia Childs and I’ll be the pancake? Eeeyah, flip this. Theyll be no flipping. Unless they intend to bring in the NYC fire fighters and do the whole thing on one of the trampoline-type things they use to catch people jumping out third floor windows. That is the only conceivable way this mission can be accomplished. Move on. Next issue. You dont have to prep for an endocscopy. Overall, it is a relatively easy process. Aside from the psychological damage you develop from being tied down to a gurney, having a pvc pipe shoved in your mouth, bound by an apparatus that looks like the mask they used on Hannibal Lector - inside out, combined with the fact that afterwards you talk like that really deep voiced man in the Oak Ridge boys - its not so bad. Because my esophagus was inflamed (which I found out after the gd test), the sewer pipe they used did make me have flashbacks to the after-days of my tonsillectomy (at 24 years of age) which left me with life-long emotional scars. I can tell you my throat was not sore for more than a week. And, Ive actually become accustomed to the resultant ringing in my ears. Really, it wasnt so bad. Honestly. And, besides when you read lips when people are talking, they actually think you’re listening closer. (Trust me, I’m not). Next issue. Ive had several colonoscopies. I can actually say, I know my sh!t - and mean it - in a deep and meaningful way. This time, it was suggested to me that rather than using Gatorades Rain or Frost to keep my electrolytes up, I might use Propel instead. What they didn’t mention was that combined with the Osmo Prep you take, Propel then morphs into Propell-ant. I am not one for exaggeration, but I must say during one of my many visits to the loo, I heard a static-y man’s voice saying “Houston, we have lift off”. I know what I heard, that’s all I’m saying. Next issue. When we arrived at the hospital, it was mentioned that they wanted to bring in a few students. The attending physician wanted to know if I would mind having them see my insides. Well now, who would? I said I wouldn’t mind having them see my insides, I was more concerned with my “outsides”. Not to fear, the gown that was made for “Hospital Chatty Cathy”, and the sheet that was a little larger than my washcloth would maintain my modesty. Maybe in the parallel universe but not in mine. But never being one to have a strong opinion, I agreed. Shortly thereafter, they wheeled me to the O.R. I have Ziploc containers larger than this room. I swear there was about a foot of space around the gurney, into which they clustered every piece of medical equipment known to mankind, the 8 man team and the students who happened to look like the Chicago Bulls and numbered as many. Now, we have to get in position. The doctor is in that orchestra conductor position they get into – which cracked me up because his elbows were literally in the eyes of the people on either side of him. Remember, at this point I have my reverse snorkel on. So I can only talk like this “et eh uckin in ufh ee”. (Translate: Get this f_cking thing off me!). The doctor says lay on your back. Then he says get on your left side. Then he says, lift your right leg. Then he says pulls your right arm back. Then I said “rrr eee ooin eh okey okey”. (Translate: Are we doing the hokey-pokey?). I was on a roll, so I followed that up with “oo inuh aa iyon as”. (Translate: You didn’t say Simon says!) The Bulls started laughing. I was mumbling (which because I try to learn something new every day, I’ve now discovered is very hard to do without consonants). Next issue. The doctor calls to give me the report. Hietal hernia, gastric ulcer, duodenal ulcer and three polyps. Biopsy not back on polyps, but looked ok, no real treatment for the hietal hernia – other than watching your diet, we’ll talk about the duodenal ulcer after we’ve treated the gastric ulcer, he says. Now, treatment of the gastric ulcer involves mega-freaking-doses of tetracycline. I’ve heard bad things about this medicine. So, I say this him. He replies in that low, condescending speed-talk, fine print voice they use when they don’t want the patient to ask any questions or challenge their judgment Well, yes it can cause mouth sores, genital sores, fungal infections, dizziness, dehydration, pain in the lower abdomen and back, difficulty breathing, black hairy tongue, palpitation, vomiting, loose bowels, rectal discomfort, and aggravate a hietal hernia, And it’s the best course of action we can take to eradicate the helicobacter pylori. My mind is racing in a thousand different directions. I remember Apocalypse Now, and Wagner playing in the background as the helicopters come over the horizon!!! Sweet baby Jesus, what are we talking about here??? But I said as calmy as possible - BLACK. HAIRY. WHAT??? Have you gone and lost your mind. The gd side-effects are worse than the freaking condition. Why don’t we just poke me in the eyes and stomp on my foot, too? That’s what the Three Stooges would do. Wouldn’t that work just as well? And again might I ask BLLLAAACCKK HAAAAIRY WHAAAAAT? Black, hairy tongue – are you sh!tting me? Surely you must be sh!tting me. He explained (as if it were normal) that black hairy tongue is really only a fungal mouth infection that makes the coating of your tongue loooook black. Oh well, ok, since you put it that way. Bring it on. Maybe if I dress Goth, no one will notice. It’s been 9 days and 2 hrs since I started this tetra-hell. I have had small body parts fall off. I am so dizzy, I can hardly hold my head up. My ears ring louder than the Angelus at Notre Dame (if you’re standing right in the bell tower). My stomach is swollen like those little starving children in Biafra that we saw pictures of when we were children. I have essentially moved into the bathroom because I couldn’t have a porta-potty attached to my a$s. My butt and I are not on speaking terms. As a matter of fact, it wants no part of me and keeps trying to detach itself. Other than that, things are going pretty well.
Posted on: Sat, 27 Sep 2014 01:10:30 +0000
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