Part One Orders for Traders (with apologies to my mate Dave Allan!) On arrival at the entrance to the site you will report to Security with your passport for a retinal scan and to have your finger prints checked against our records. Then you will be directed to the Control Centre, where you (and all your family and any assistants) will be subjected to a full-body strip search, including cavities, and your Trader ID Number will be tattooed on your forehead(s). After that we will check our list and see if we have allocated you a stand. If we have, you will be given confidential Sat Nav co-ordinates for the access point that you are to use to unload, and a 3 minute time slot. Should you fail to find the right access point and utilise your time slot to unload, you will have to go to the Holding Pen to be re-allocated another time slot when we can fit you in. Please bring a flask and sandwiches, as this may take some time. Oh, and something to piss in, as we will be unable to allow access to the toilet facilities during this period. Any traders who have not completed the unloading process by 1800 hours on the pre-ultimate set up day of the market will be refused access until 0600 on the ultimate set up day when they will be allowed an additional 10 minutes before the doors are locked to allow a further Security Check to take place. Please keep your passports to hand at all times. (I’ll make up the rest of the bollocks later if I can be arsed. Until then, just ignore this, turn up between 10am and midnight of the Friday or from 7am on Saturday and our friendly staff will personally show you where to pitch and where then to park. If you’re a bit late, don’t fret. We won’t mind.)
Posted on: Mon, 07 Oct 2013 08:31:58 +0000