People may be wondering why I seem to be thrashing about against society, and some of the people in it. I need to explain that most of what you may see, is really, simply, an external projection of internal conflicts. There is a battle raging inside of me, that I am merely sharing externally. The battle is not between me and those around me. Rather, it is between varying factions within myself. Conflicting messages, theories, and ideas continually collide within me, causing tension and stress. Many of these thoughts and ideas were collected many many years ago, like dusty books on a shelf. But when I hear a new piece of advice, it reminds me of a book I read 25 years ago. I pull out that book and compare the two bits of information. Trying to resolve whether they are both ultimately harmonious or one needs to be eliminated and supplant the other. Most of the time, I simply revise both pieces of information and store them both on the shelves. But it takes time, and often testing by experience, before I get the revisions to where both can rest peacefully on the same shelf. The process is more like peeling layers of an onion until I get to the core, rather than cracking open coconut shells. The meat of a coconut would be available for consumption immediately after being split open. Whereas with the onion, I need to peel a layer. And then go through a period of adjustment to the new level/layer. Then when Im comfortable with that layer/level, Im ready to peel back another layer/level. Eventually Ill get to the core or heart, which I perceive as truth itself. I remember reading I am who I am in a famous book. Though there are variations in the English Language expressions. There are many emotions, that have been frozen, finally thawing decades after the underlying circumstances have passed. People think I am holding on to old issues. The truth is, that they have calmed down enough that I can finally let them thaw out without going crazy or killing myself. Then I can slowly digest each thawed bit of stale experience (like crying an ocean that I described in an earlier post). There are knots in my consciousness that were hastily tied in a panic to ward off a survival level emotional threat. It takes years to undo these knots. I may visit the same portion of a shoestring many times, during the process of untangling a particularly nasty knot. Untangling only a small piece of the total knot each time. Many will perceive me as confused, pathetic, weak, or crazy. I believe I am finally understanding who I really am. But I still have 50 years of accumulated paperwork to sort through. Probably wont finish by the time I die. One piece at a time. One day at a time.
Posted on: Sun, 23 Mar 2014 01:14:07 +0000
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