Perfectionist children Melanie Hartgill What are typical traits of the perfectionist child? Perfectionist children are simply not satisfied with doing well or doing better than their peers, they are only satisfied if they feel they have done a job perfectly. Signs of a perfectionist child would be a child who: Sets performance standards that are impossibly high or excessively rigid Tend to be self-critical and easily embarrassed Is highly sensitive to criticism Has a tendency to be critical of others Shows difficulties with making decisions prioritizing tasks Has strong feelings of inadequacy and low self-confidence Measures their own worth and highly in terms of productivity and accomplishments Shows difficulties and taking credit or pleasure for their work Often delays completing assignments or repeatedly start over on assignments in order to ensure that it is perfect Why are children perfectionist? Is it behaviour they copy (from parents) or is it genetic? Children tend to strive for perfection when there is a heavy emphasis on performance both at home and at school. We have to remember that society tends to judge people’s level of intelligence and ability according to their scores and grades at school. When children are only praised for their achievements, they are conditioned to believe that their value as individuals lies in what they are able to produce. Current research accepts the perfectionism tends to result from a combination of genetic tendencies as well as environmental factors. Is perfectionism necessarily a negative thing and should you suppress it? Asking if perfectionism can be suppressed is similar to asking if you should suppress the child’s personality or not. This is the way many children are and what we need to do is find ways of supporting and guiding them appropriately. However, it is important to remember that people who expect perfectionism from themselves are likely to achieve little, as they are rarely satisfied with their performance. So in this regard it can be seen as a negative thing. What are the pro’s of being a perfectionist child? Some perfectionists are actually high achievers and will go out of their way to make things happen. What are the cons of being perfectionist? Perfectionists often fear failure and as a result will often try and avoid situations in which their performance is going to be judged, socially as well as academically. They often find it difficult to begin tasks as they are rarely able to begin it to their satisfaction and as children, tantrums are frequent as they are frustrated with their inabilities when they try to achieve a level of perfectionism that they are developmentally incapable of. Fear of failure often prevents them from attempting something unfamiliar. Further concerns stemming from perfectionist children are social anxieties, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, depression and in extreme cases even suicide. How should you as a parent handle your perfectionist child? Parenting any child is not easy but parenting a perfectionist child can be particularly challenging. In general they require a calm and structured environment, as well as opportunities for success that will enhance self-esteem. It is essential that parents never compare children to one another Academic pressures need to be relieved, so that children’s efforts are recognized rather than the focus only on the end result. Praise should be specific and parents should avoid using terms such as ‘perfect’ and ‘brilliant’ when describing their child’s achievements. Help children to separate themselves from their school work; they are more than simply a student. Help them to understand that everybody makes mistakes and this is a normal part of learning and development. Involve them in activities that are about co-operation rather than competition. What are the implications for the perfectionist child in school? Perfectionist children often need assistance in organizing themselves in their work. They need to learn about prioritizing so they can determine which work is more important than others and they also need to be helped in identifying starting points and ending points. Teach them how to change plans when working and how to learn from their mistakes Set clear deadlines and targets for various tasks Help them to develop an awareness of time Keep in close contact and communication with the child’s teacher How should you handle a situation when things go wrong for your perfectionist child? Things go wrong for every child and it is important that they realise you value them for who they are as people rather than for what it is they are able to do. They need to understand that mistakes are an important part of learning and development and as far as possible show the mistakes you have made and how you have learnt from those errors. Help them plan for new situations and challenges, it may have gone wrong this time but where were those errors and what can they do to avoid making the same mistakes again. When should you seek professional help? It is necessary to involve professional assistance when your child is unable to begin tasks at all due to their fear of failure, they are showing signs of depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder or they make frequent negative references about themselves and their abilities. As with anything your child is dealing with, when the situation is having a negative impact on their ability to function in their home, at school and in their social environments then it is time to ask for help.
Posted on: Tue, 02 Jul 2013 06:18:49 +0000
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