~ Personal Post ~ As a lot of you know, Ive been dealing with a lot over the past year or so. Losing the right to live in the family home for the fourth time since I finished my high school exams, losing contact and good terms with the one group of people that are bound to you by blood and are *supposed* to have my back until my last breath was one of the most difficult things Ive had to come to terms with. I know a lot of you relate, family issues arent uncommon, and if you have ever gone through something similar, being kicked out, super bad family arguments or having family contact stopped, Im here for you and I know it isnt easy in the slightest. Its also very damaging to us as people, having that sense of security just whipped out from underneath us, the thing wed grown accustomed to growing up, to just have that gone is really unsettling to say the least. Its caused me to become lost as a person in the past and also made some bad decisions which I do regret. Not just that, but having to very quickly become a tenant, in debt and independently living for the first time in my life, it threw me and I wasnt prepared for the risk of things that could go wrong- like my health, mental state, financial situation and tenancy, which I guess is almost everything. I took a nose dive earlier this year and many of you were there to witness it. Yes, I began falling back into a suicidal/self-destructive state and my depression and anxiety were through the roof. It was incredibly scary, knowing how much was in my hands, how much was my responsibility, it scared the heck out of me. This then put strains on other parts of my life, friends, family that I did speak to still, my relationship, my food intake and my general health. Theres been times Ive been so bad I genuinely thought Id be in hospital that night. Ive lost a lot of friends this year, people I would have once considered close friends, and that wasnt easy. Going through a time like that and suddenly losing people who id been close to for years was similar to the effect of losing my family. I began tail-spinning with my mental health, I wasnt able to control myself whatsoever, my last head of year at sixth form stopped me from getting into college this year to finish my A-Levels by telling them about my poor mental health (despite still achieving A-grades in my finals). So, I was faced with dealing with my illness head on, it had gotten to the point where I was having breakdowns at least once every couple of days and I pretty much could not leave the house except if I needed to grab a drink or food from the shop down the road, I stopped meeting up with friends, stopped going to town and to events. I pushed myself to go to MCM last month after having a relatively good weekend in belgium the week before, I thought I would be strong enough to handle it. At first I was, but towards the afternoon something got a hold of me and Aston had to lead me out and through the tube stations and trains whilst I was crying and unable to cope with being outside, especially so far away from home. All the while, Id been dealing with an army of determined trolls, negative people and two-faced people (past friends included) which some days, waking up to messages from these people threw me back into the minuses in terms of progress and recovery. People always told me to ignore them, and block/report them, which I took onboard and did do, didnt stop me from reading them first. And thats all that needed to happen to send me back, but youll be glad to hear that during my recovery over the past few weeks, Ive gained a lot more respect for myself, not to mention confidence, and this in turn has given me the strength to turn a blind eye to the lowlives that get a kick out of using the internet to harass and destroy someone, I can happily say Ive never stooped that low and never will, and I feel extremely sorry for those people and hope they can resolve that deep sense of anger they have bottled up inside that causes them to take their insecurities out on other people and project them left right and centre. The icing on the cake was being served the eviction notice from our apartment for late January, and also having our medical aid suspended due to a paper-work cock up at the council. Small mistake, left us in an extremely bad position. So we were left with 0 money and very little time to raise money for a deposit to keep us off the streets (and our cats) when the time comes. Not just that but having no finances to even feed ourselves at the time put a huge amount of strain on my self-confidence and also my health. I dropped weight, as a lot of you kindly pointed out (please dont point out stuff like that to people publicly as it is just as offensive as calling someone fat, and Ive seen it happen to lots of girls, not just me ~grindsmygears~) and yes, I did become skinny, but I still have a lot of babyfat on me dont you guys worry. I took a fairly massive break from my usual stuff on the internet, stopped taking photos, making youtube videos, talking to people and cosplaying, purely because the circumstances had thrown me into a state of panic that made me believe that if I spent a second on anything other than trying to raise money to keep us off the streets, Id regret it forever. My confidence was at an all time low and I found I was no longer finding the motivation to get dressed, sort out my hair or put on make-up, which consequently made me feel somewhat more crap about myself. However, something changed in me. I dont know what exactly, I think Id been pushed so far that I was genuinely sick to the back teeth with my mental health, and I was also sick of not being in control or having the strength to take control of my life and what happened in it. I turned around and said, you know what? I deserve better. From the moment I was born, life has been throwing its worst at me. (literally speaking, when I was being born the umbilical chord got trapped around my neck and I stopped breathing and turned blue, starting well already ay) and Id put up with it for 19 years. Im turning 20 as of March next year. In around 4 months I will no longer be a teenager, yet a few weeks ago I genuinely felt I had as much control of my own life as a 5 year old would, including control of my emotions. I guess I just realised that I cant be like this forever, It will literally kill me. I couldnt live with myself knowing Id let my mental health eat away at me for so many years, which is why I guess something clicked inside my brain and I felt this new lease of life. I mean look at me, still facing eviction in under 2 months, still low on money, but im OKAY. And Im happy, and motivated, and confident. I love my new hair colour, I am so glad to be able to have the confidence to do shoots again and to be planning future cosplays and working on sorting myself out. I hope you guys have also been able to see the difference. I just want to say thank you to the amazing people Ive encountered over the past year. Everyone pulled together and raised over £400 to help put towards a deposit for a new place in the New Year, and the fund is still going. I got some support from older folks about the benefits system, mental health and how to deal with the council to sort things out, hell, I even spoke to my own mother for the first time since having to leave earlier this year. With this support we sorted out some of our medical aid, and I got myself put onto a therapy course which is a first for me, something Ive always been either too nervous or put off by to do. Ive been trying out different medications from my GP to combat my emetophobia and physical issues triggered by my MI, which have been going fairly well, and I have had some good results from. For the friends that have stuck by me, thank you. You guys know who you are, Im even seeing one of you this friday. Thanks for not running away when I had very little control over myself, something Im pretty ashamed of because of what happened as a result, but I also acknowledge mental health is not someones fault, or choice. Ever. My god Ill do anything in my power to avoid hitting that wall ever again because its honestly like being tortured in hell, but worse because hell is actually your own brain and youre torturing yourself and cant seem to stop it. A very damaging and frightening experience, another reason I campaign so hard to raise awareness on the truth of mental disorders and to try and change the stigma in society that has a negative effect on innocent sufferers going through an extremely confusing and dark time. In conclusion, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has donated, everyone who has commissioned a tattoo or art piece, everyone that took part in my fund auction to raise money for the deposit, thank you to everyone who has stood up for me when I wasnt able to myself, thank you to everyone who has offered me kind words and support in my time of need, all of you are an inspiration for the rest of humanity and I hope lesser people can take a page out of your book and act on it!
Posted on: Mon, 17 Nov 2014 18:57:36 +0000
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