Please bear with me as this will be a long post, however; it is part of my treatment for depression. I have been battling depression for about 6 to 8 months now. I have been seeking help for it on my own and I finally found a doctor that is good for me. As part of my treatment because I sometimes have a hard time opening up to people and end up telling them only half of it or what I think they want to hear. I have been asked to talk about it here on Facebook to get it out in the open. The best way I can describe my depression is like this. Imagine you are standing on the edge of a cliff, you see a puzzle sitting on a table beside you. The puzzle pieces represent all of the pieces in your life; you look down and see your career, your family, your relationship, your pride, everything that matters to you. Now imagine the wind picks up and one by one each little piece of your life get blow over the cliff.. One by one.. You do everything you can to reach out and grab them before they fall but you can’t catch them all, and the ones you do catch are bent or tattered because you held on that tight. You try to fix the puzzle but the pieces don’t fit anymore, you try to add new pieces but they fly away as soon as you put them on.. Nothing fits right anymore, you are no longer that person you were.. You are someone else. That is what it feels like to me. It started back when I found out I was not going to be able to stay in the Air force. That piece of my life was coming to an end and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried my best to stay strong and be who I was proud to be but it slowly started eating away at me. When I was in the Air Force I didn’t like my job, I didn’t like my shop and I didn’t like my leadership but I was still proud. I was proud that people looked up to me, that people came to me for advice or when they needed help with something. That is what drove me to do my best. Not the mission but the people. I knew what it was like to get walked all over and not appreciated and I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen to anyone else. I studied the regulations on my spare time just in case someone needed to know what to do or if something was right or not. I was proud of whom I was and I wanted nothing more than to become an First Sergeant. When I knew that was never going to happen it hit me pretty hard, I still kept fighting and being who I was and being strong for those around me but I was falling apart inside. There was a period of time I was happy, I ended up meeting someone who changed me. Overnight. As things went on the feelings started to come back so I decided to see a therapist about all of it.. This person gave me the worst advice I have ever gotten. Not only did her advice aid me in making the stupidest decision I have ever mad, it made me doubt myself even more. I ended up losing and hurting someone who didn’t deserve it. During that time my ex-wife had come home and we spent the better part of 6 months arguing about everything. She had a way of making me feel like the biggest piece of shit alive and that I was a terrible person.. but because I worried about my daughter I still tried to stay friends with her. It made things so much worse. It started hurting the relationship that I was trying to rebuild and the more it went on the more problems I had. I found myself telling little lies because I wanted to avoid arguments or because I felt it was the right thing to do. I had no direction, no bearing, no clue what I was doing. I was lost. I help on to hope and tried but no matter what I did, I felt like I could do no right in anyone’s eyes. I was falling further. I continued to hurt the person I cared about, I pushed people away, I was doing stupid things and I made stupid decisions. It was like I was fighting with both hands tied behind my back. I got out of the Air Force and went to stay with my Mom and Dad, don’t get me wrong I love them but it made me more depressed having to stay with them because I promised myself I would never let it get to that, especially when I had to borrow money from them after my divorced and still can’t pay them back. They have done so much for me and asked for nothing in return and I felt like a bad son for having to lean on them again. I finally got a job making $70k per year, I had a girlfriend who I loved but things didn’t get better, they got worse. My ex started to come back into the picture and no matter what I did it made things worse. Weather I told her to back off or if I didn’t talk to her. I was so focused on Addison and what I was having to do I lost sight again. After that I was engaged and un-engaged in a matter two weeks. Things got worse. I had made plans to come back to Tucson and gave up my job and even their second offer of 120K to come back here and fix things. Late june I moved back with almost no money and having to get help from my parents again. I spend every day alone in my apartment because I don’t have the money to go do anything. I’ve gone for a walk; got a gun pulled on me, Went somewhere else, I got a knife pulled on me. I kind of gave up going anywhere. I finally got a job, I am not motivated to do it, the pay sucks and I feel no pride in what I do anymore. I’m working it though because I have no choice. My little girl does not want anything to do with her father right now and I don’t know why. It kills me that she does not want to spend any time with me. The people I really want to hang out with here don’t want to see me, so right now I’m alone. I sit here and think about what I had and lost, all the mistakes I made, and what I am going to do next. Last Saturday was really hard for me, I can’t tell you why but it was and it’s not making it any easier. I don’t feel appreciated anymore by anyone, I feel like those who do hang out with me either want something or they pity me. I have yet to feel like someone just wants to hang out and be around me for who I am and not what I can offer them. I know I have friends but it is getting harder to tell who is really a friend and who is not; who just needs something. So that’s what’s going on with me. Now step two was for me to tell you my perfect day, don’t know why but she is the DOC and she is actually helping me. My perfect day would have been like Tuesday, partly sunny, westward wind. It simple, I would wake up, grab the girl I loved and my daughter and drive… all the way to the coast, spend the whole day on the beach and watch the sun set with those who I love and then spend the night under the stars. I know its kinds mushy but it’s who I am. Which brings me to step 3… I am supposed to tell you what I believe in more than anything else in the world.. ………love…… there I said it. I am sorry this post is so long but I am going to do what the doc said. I have to leave this on here for 3 days.. After that I will take it off. Thank you for those who have been there for me lately. Love you all. Goodnight
Posted on: Thu, 08 Aug 2013 05:32:00 +0000
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