Post 3 Continuing where I left off with my talk with God. Me I feel so ashamed I ever did that I dont want to admit that I did such a thing but lord I questioned you and some thing you allowed to take place and further more proceeded after my request was not granted the let the pain I felt lead me in hurt, angry,confused at flat out furious state I was in and thought I would not over come I allowed myself not only to doubt you Lord but actually felt hate towards you. God: I know you love your lord and savior the most high and because I am your creator I knew you would not allow yourself not to find a way to get back into my grace the grace of God in hoping that I was as forgiving as you always thought I had been proven to be but even knowing I you needed to ask for forgiveness and repent instead you held your ground. Standing up against what every part of your being is screaming the worst opponent you could ever even think to challenge Me: Lord I am sorry and cant repent enough I am trying to be as you are Im having a hard time forgiving myself as easily as you have forgiven. Partly because I do not deserve your forgiveness because that pain is still ailing me and as crazy as it sounds a big part of me wants so bad to not know right from wrong so that I can with out such great remorse just turn my back on God refuse to forgive and never come back in your presence. God: I am aware of these feelings that are hunting you but I found the need to forgive you any way because I know why you feel the way you do and Im the one who trained you to feel your emotions so strongly. This is actually a part of my plan if you just put your trust in me I promise to bring you though and not forsake you and in the end it will all be clear to you. Me: well lord Im angry because you told me you would hear the prayer from my sinful soul and I continued to do every thing but come to you as many times as you told me to. Until I got that phone call saying my dearest friend, my loving brother, my God fearing brother in Jesus was hurt in a way only you could fix. I gave it to you and I trusted you fixed the biggest problem I in my 25 years of life had ever come to face. God:What you are refusing to understand my child of little faith is I did not fail you. I heard your prayers every last one, prayers so strong you didnt even know you were capable of. But it was not me denying your prayers to punish you you must come to terms with the fact that what you asked of me was not in my will. Trust me child that I know best Me:(tears of excruciating pain)I am no longer questioning what you set forth to take place lord but I beg of you to give me understanding on how this request could possibly not be in your will when I prayed so hard so strong finding the kind of unyielding faith Id been trying to find in myself for so long. I had been through so much already in my short life and I know there would be more tests along the way but I just cant rap my mind around the reasoning for something as horrific and pain as taking my brother, my close friend some one so near and dear to me. The one person on this earth that could see through my smile and fixed the broken pieces of my spirit no one else was ever able to see past the mask I wore daily To keep me unexposed to the eyes of the enemy so I knew he was special and loved despite my flaws as his imperfect sister who he would never turn his back on because he to was damaged but he had faith in you Lord so I dont understand why he had to come home so soon when I still needed his love and protection. I felt like you took something from me that I cant get back and it opened up the gates to my heart to endure the pain of a lost loved one and opened the floodgates for me to feel and proper acknowledgement and deal with a life time of pain, heart ache and misery. Things I thought I had dealt with along time ago forgave for and had risen past. God: well fact you may have thought you took care of these things. As horrible as some of these things are how could you have convinced yourself you actually copped with any of this when you never called on me to wipe these things from your slate. I allowed you to shove these out of sight and out of mind because each different ordeal gave a different kind of strength. All these things building the strength youll on the very day I allow you to endure types and amounts of pain and agony you never dreamed of going through and actually making in sound mind with out a scratch with the faith of a saint hand made to the His liking by our Lord himself Me: Lord I still need help understanding if that was really the only way for me to gain what ever it is I gained from this traumatic unbelievable tragedy. Not even if there was another way because Im not going to make another mistake considering last time I was smacked by a life time of misery as the answer. And Im actually beginning to understand although understanding still is not healing. But I got the point it was like you literally stood in front of me and showed the hard way that you know best telling me to brace my self and have faith in you to carry me through all things. Had you not experienced that heart ache that proved to you I have never left your side because you have never been exposed to a hurt so powerful it rock your very being then you would be incapable of even trying to carry this and thats when I was thrown into confusion on what these old feelings and emotions and situations I got rid of are doing sitting here looking me in my face. Asking why are you just sitting there you said you could handle well lets get to it.I looked around at my skeletons and almost fainted when I looked around saw the 9 year old me sitting in the corner harboring all these fears and emotions that should have been gone 16 years ago. And I lost it realizing this is a battle I cant win alone. And dropping down in prayer begging God to please have mercy on the 9year old me and spare her the need to go back in time and relive her hell her own personal hell that she quietly suffered alone where no one came to the lost childs rescue and she doesnt deserve this I dont even see lady jay the supposed to be protecting her shield her mentally never allowing her prayers to be unheard any where in sight and I know she cant be far because she was created solely to protect Jmai and she has to leave here side God: I told her her services were not needed I will be in control this go around To be continued
Posted on: Thu, 13 Mar 2014 14:26:28 +0000
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