Pretty much a blog post. Rough week. I try to stay positive, but theres times I just cant. Kemzey has been Ms. Meltdown city all week, she doesnt sleep (thats just normal for her though) and shes reverted back to freaking out about having her hair brushed. Tyr has been hitting and throwing some crazy tantrums. Zane is always gone a few days or more a week. And I broke down while filling out a questionnaire for Kemzeys parent teacher conference. It asked general questions about things a typical preschooler can do. And every question made me angry. Are there any concerns about your childs development, social interactions, direction following, potty training, etc? I was fuming as I had to answer each question with, yes, there are concerns because she has autism and basically doesnt communicate/interact/follow directions at all! After I filled it out, I sobbed because the questionnaire has forced me to face Kemzeys delays. I hate facing reality. Even though it was just a stupid piece of paper, it ruined my day. Ive been thinking a lot this week about how much our lives have changed this past year. And Ive realized Im still grieving over Kemzey having autism. I can barely handle being around typical kids her age. Its like a stab in my heart seeing them talking so well and voicing their needs. I get filled with intense jealousy and then feel guilty for feeling that way. I love Kemzey with all my heart and will fight for her no matter what. Even on the days like today where Im drowning in negativity and feeling sorry for myself, I always take a step back and look at the bigger picture. With all the therapy at camp and school, Kemzey is showing so much progress. Although she hasnt been as happy this week, shes generally filled with so much love. Even if all the hugs she gives are just her sensory seeking, she will give me the biggest smile as she looks into my eyes. Theres so much love in that little girl. And Im so proud to be her mommy on this amazing and difficult adventure. They say it gets easier. Hopefully one day Kemz will sleep well and be able to tell me why shes having a meltdown. Until then, we just keep plugging away with therapy and celebrate the little victories. Like Kemzey used her fork on her own a few days ago without me making her! Woohoo! She still mostly uses her hands to eat everything, but hey, its progress. Baby steps, baby steps. And lots of deep breaths for mommy. And caffeine.
Posted on: Sat, 22 Nov 2014 07:11:13 +0000
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