Purely for the ego of the President, I reproduce his awards article that appeared in Reel Life... DESTROY OUR FRESHWATER COMPETITION This month the New Zealand Federation of Freshwater Anglers (NZFFA) has decided to award prizes for the NZs Got Talent In The Irreversible Destruction of Freshwater. It is a difficult task, not just because of the litigation with a certain TV programme that has plagiarised our competition name, but also because of the countless long days and sleepless nights trying to choose between so many deserving candidates. We say to those who didnt make it to the final, you are still winners and we urge you to continue your novel and innovative ways of destruction, whether it be Marlborough District Council spraying the herbicide Diquat into Spring Creek to kill weeds (and hence food and shelter for trout) or Tasman District Council issuing water allocations greater than that available in the rivers. It is now my honour to proudly publish the winners of this prestigious award, an award that has for many years been justifiably held by the Chinese Government for their tireless dedication to destroying the Yangste River and surrounds with the Three Gorges Dam... Third place goes to Ian Mackenzie, vice president of Federated Farmers, for his crisp and refreshing lambasting of trout as an introduced species in the September edition of NZ Farmers Weekly. Ian was sitting on a cow, stroking a sheep and eating a lunch of roast chicken, potatoes, carrots and cabbages when he wrote his piece on the evils of introduced animals and plants and he posed very valid questions of why should we care about the trouts environment and what is so wrong with dumping tons of cow sh&^ and nitrates into rivers. Ian, we salute you. Second place was fiercely contested and resulted in a split executive decision so, as President, I was obliged to cast the decisive vote and I am pleased to announce it went to the most and very, very Honourable Amy I hate the outdoors Adams, she being a wonderful example of what Wellington can produce given the right conditions of an air-conditioned, carpeted office with no horrid insects, plants or animals in the vicinity. Amys tenacity and attention to detail bore fruit as she discovered that the Resource Management Act (RMA) was littered with the most appalling typos throughout - for instance someone had inserted the word enviromment instead of economy and had since caused an awful lot of trouble for those lovely corporations who are trying to save our land by covering it in a protective layer of concrete and cow pats. Well done Amy. Finally, first place unusually and without precedent goes to two organisations who together represent a paradigm shift in destructive dancing, a style that makes dirty dancing look positively whiter than white clean. The dance involves two partners and is set alongside the Tukituki River (musical arrangement by Hawkes Bay Regional Council Big Band); one dancer leads with a draft series of steps whose narrative suggests dairy irrigation projects, such as the Ruataniwha Dam, are very risky environmentally, to which the other partner responds by firmly tapping them on the shoulder and whispering in their ear to Shut up or youll lose your job. Both partners then join together to enact the final stage of the dance - the backstepping-doublespeak. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to be upstanding and put your hands together and welcome the winner of this months joint first prize... DoC and the National Party!
Posted on: Fri, 18 Oct 2013 00:16:37 +0000
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