Q #359: I have a friend who thinks that I am in love with him even though he knows that I have a spouse and children. I do have affection for him because he has helped me to learn how to get myself through some trying times. Perhaps he has misunderstood my affection; I don’t know. I feel very discouraged and tempted to start anew somewhere else. I have this nagging feeling that this relationship mirrors a recurring pattern in my life: a real ambivalence toward joining with anyone, as A Course in Miracles defines joining. I seem to create relationships in which I can eventually justify pushing the other person away, both emotionally and physically, while at the same time I have a need to be liked by the person. I’m assuming that these attributes of mine are just two more forms of self-hatred --- and complicated forms at that. In a recent, similar question (#180), you advised a student to focus on healing the underlying guilt in her mind that her unrequited love relationship had uncovered, and that once she had accomplished the healing, her uncertainty over the relationship would dissipate. Can I assume that the answer to my dilemma might be the same as for the student in Question #180? A: Yes, although the form of the relationship you describe is different from the relationship described in the earlier question, the content, as well as the solution, is no different. In fact, it’s always the same! The recurring pattern you identify in your relationships reflects an ambivalence that necessarily characterizes all ego-based relationships. The problem is not ever the form of the relationship but the purpose that we give it -- to reinforce our belief in separation and guilt -- although of course we keep that purpose hidden from ourselves. The following passage from early in the Course describes quite explicitly our self-hatred, and its origins in our ego’s denial of God, as the dynamic that underlies all our relationships in the world: You who identify with your ego cannot believe God loves you. You do not love what you made [the ego] and what you made does not love you. Being made out of the denial of the Father, the ego has no allegiance to its maker. You cannot conceive of the real relationship that exists between God and His creations because of your hatred for the self you made. You project onto the ego the decision to separate, and this conflicts with the love you feel for the ego because you made it. No love in this world is without this ambivalence, and since no ego has experienced love without ambivalence the concept is beyond its understanding. Love will enter immediately into any mind that truly wants it, but it must want it truly. This means that it wants it without ambivalence, and this kind of wanting is wholly without the egos ‘drive to get’ (T.4.III.4; italics added). In other words, if God our Source is only Love but we seek to be something other than a part of that Love, we are choosing against the love that we are and must believe that we have deprived ourselves of it. The ego self we make as a replacement for God and our true Self must therefore be the opposite of love, or hate. Although we are attracted to what we have made because it is our own, we also blame it for the loss of love we feel. And so any love within the ego thought system of separation must be an ambivalent combination of attraction and hatred. Since we identify with the ego, this is really self-hatred. Finding this self-hatred intolerable, we make up a world and separate brothers to hold responsible for the lack of love we feel. And then we search for that love in others, at the same time blaming them for taking it from us and depriving us of what we insist we rightfully deserve, denying all the time that it was our own choice that brought us to this sorry situation. All relationships in the world, whether they involve a romantic component or not, must have this ambivalent dynamic, so long as we continue to choose the ego - - the belief in the reality of the separation -- as our guide and teacher. For they are always predicated on the assumption that something is missing in me and must be found outside of me. But it is inevitable that the other will fail in the end to meet my needs. And so there seems to be no alternative but to terminate this relationship and go in search of another, hoping that perhaps the next one will be the one that really works. But it never will. For the ego’s maxim, that underlies all its efforts, is Seek, but do not find (T.16.V.6:5). Love need not be found nor earned nor seized -- in fact, it cannot be. It can only be remembered. And we remember it by wanting it truly, which means we want nothing else -- none of the special trappings of the ego, which are all nothing more than disguised guilt. We must relinquish the drive to get, whatever form it takes, including the need to be liked or valued or appreciated. But before we can relinquish the ego’s seeking, we must look honestly at what it involves and acknowledge what the underlying content really is -- loss, anger and attack -- or we will not be willing to release it and in fact will feel like we are being compelled to sacrifice something we want and need. And so the problem is always guilt, or self-hatred, and the solution is always uncovering that inner seeming blight so that, through joining with Jesus or Holy Spirit -- the reflected Presence of love in our minds -- its unreality can be recognized. For if love is there with us looking on our judgment against ourselves for turning our backs on love and attacking it, then the case against ourselves can simply be dismissed (T.5.VI.10). In those moments when we accept the healing, we can be a reminder to others -- those with whom we are in various relationships -- that they too can make the same choice to look within rather than to seek outside themselves. And it will not be the words we speak but simply the unambivalent love and acceptance that flow through us -- love that neither looks for nor demands anything from anyone -- that will remind them and reinforce that recognition within us.
Posted on: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 11:35:20 +0000
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