Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business! Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning youll rise and shine! Q: Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? A: You cant tuna fish. Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup! Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock? A: It went back four seconds. Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? A: An ambulance. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk. Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? A: Idaho... Alaska! Q: Did you hear about that new broom? A: Its sweeping the nation! Q: What do you call an elephant that doesnt matter? A: An irrelephant. Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits! Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants. Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller. Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep. Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together! Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? A: Its dread-full. Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it! Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T Q: What did the femur say to the patella? A: I kneed you. Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed. Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A: a yardvark! Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks. Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom? A: At the BP station! Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver. Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? A: LMAYO Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A: a thesaurus. Q: How do you shoot a killer bee? A: With a bee bee gun. Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream. Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? A: Clean Jokes! Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? A: Where’s Popcorn? Q: What do you call sad coffee? A: Despresso. Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it! Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light! Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp. Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? A: Nobody nose. Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus! Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them Q: Why are pirates called pirates? A: Cause they arrrrr. Q: Whats the first bet that most people make in their lives? A: the alpha bet Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers! Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet! Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the spot. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer! Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor? A: Because it was not peeling well Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because the queen has reigned there for years! Q: What belongs to you but others use more? A: Your name Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze! Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course! Q: Which is the building is the largest? A: The library because it has the most stories. Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad. Q: What bow cant be tied? A: A rainbow! Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A: Spring time. Q: Where did the computer go to dance? A: To a disc-o. Q: What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? A: Bubble Gum. Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says chew chew chew. Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital? A: To get a tweetment. Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? A: Because she couldnt control her pupils? Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A: A Clausterphobic Q: What three candies can you find in every school? A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties. Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? A: Ouch Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? A: Because his friend said dinner is on me. Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, its over your head! Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America? A: USB Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a bogey in it. Q: Why didnt the skeleton go to the dance? A: Because he had no-body to go with. Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? A: They take the psycho path. Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake? A: He just flipped. Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? A: Cell phones. Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch? A: Beef Jerky. Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? A: It never came out. Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A: A Gummy Bear Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? A: 2 Fast 2 Curious Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser? A: She dyed. Q: What do you call a musician with problems? A: a trebled man. Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? A: He pasta way. Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? A: In snow banks. Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? A: a Roman Catholic Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? A: He pulled a muscle Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective? A: He got to the root of every case. Q. What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and Ill hang around Q: What washes up on very small beaches? A: Microwaves! Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesnt move? A: The road! Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? A: He was lucky it was a soft drink. Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? A: The scientists were brainstorming! Q: What did Delaware? A: a New Jersey Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune? A: Because he couldnt find a date! Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? A: Hi Cliff! Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist? A: He took his wife for granite so she left him Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? A: Show me the honey! Q: Why couldnt the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck! Q: Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment. Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street! Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator? A: I think Im coming down with something! Q: What do you call a window that raps? A: 2PANEZ Q: Why cant your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! Q: What has four wheels and flies? A: A garbage truck! Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A: Post Office! Q: What did the blanket say to the bed? A: Dont worry, Ive got you covered! Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed? A: To draw the curtains! Q: What do you call a frozen dog? A: A pupsicle. Q: What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump. Q: How many books can you put in an empty backpack? A: One! After that its not empty! Q: What kind of button wont unbutton? A: A bellybutton! Q: What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? A: Depeche a la Mode. Q: Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? A: Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels! Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog. Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat? A: A heavy discussion Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing! Q: What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? A: You are to little to smoke! Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? A: Transparents Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on? A: It let out a little wine! Q: What do you call the new girl at the bank? A: The Nutella! Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A: Odor in the court. Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A: Dam! Q: Why dont skeletons fight each other? A: They dont have the guts. Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours? A: Nacho Cheese Q: What streets do ghosts haunt? A: Dead ends! Q: Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? A: He got stuck in Orbit. Q: What did the penny say to the other penny? A: We make perfect cents. Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road? A: To get to the second hand shop. Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep? A: So he could have sweet dreams. Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes. Q: Why did the robber take a bath? A: Because he wanted to make a clean getaway. Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic Q: What did the judge say to the dentist? A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didnt want to wake the sleeping pills! Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella. Q: Why did the belt go to jail? A: Because it held up a pair of pants! Q: Did you hear about the calendar thief? A: He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: Your dyslexic Q: What did one raindrop say to the other? A: Twos company, threes a cloud Q: Why did the balloon burst? A: Because is saw a lolly pop Q: Did you hear about the sick juggler? A: They say he couldnt stop throwing up! Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope? A: Stick with me and we will go places! Q: Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A: A barber. Q: What do you call a horse that cant lose a race? A: Sherbet Q: What do you call a dentist in the army? A: A drill sergeant Q: Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? A: Its the one rated Arrrr! Q: Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? A: Because the cow has the utter. Q: Whats easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Because the chicken joke wasnt invented yet. Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? A: Flood lights! Q: Did you hear about the monster with five legs? A: His trousers fit him like a glove. Q: Why dont you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because theyre all in High School! Q: Which is the longest word in the dictionary? A: Smiles, because there is a mile between each s! Q: Which month do soldiers hate most? A: The month of March! Q: What did the painter say to the wall? A: One more crack like that and Ill plaster you! Q: What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A: A Frisbee. Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear Q: Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? A: In case they get a hole in one! Q: What do you call a magician on a plane? A: A flying sorcerer! Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? A: He wanted to get to the bottom. Q: What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? A: I wanna get a head! Q: Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? A: It was quite an oar deal. Q: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? A: Because he wanted to work over-time! What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? A: Urgent Tina Q: Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? A: Because he wanted to see time fly! Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When youre eating a watermelon! Q: How did the farmer mend his pants? A: With cabbage patches! Q: Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? A: He couldnt concentrate! Q: How do you repair a broken tomato? A: Tomato Paste! Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his parents were in a jam! Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter? A: Patty! Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A: A deviled egg! Q: What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A: A turkey! Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital? A: He felt crummy! Q: Why were the teachers eyes crossed? A: She couldnt control her pupils! Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A: A private tutor. Q: What do you call a bear with no socks on? A: Bare-foot. Q: What can you serve but never eat? A: A volleyball. Q: What kind of shoes do all spies wear? A: Sneakers. Q: Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? A: So he could tie the score. Q: Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? A: They both depend on the batter. Q: What did the alien say to the garden? A: Take me to your weeder. Q: Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? A: They got married in the spring. Q: Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? A: Because they cantaloupe. Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread. Q: How do baseball players stay cool? A: They sit next to their fans. Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems. Q: What runs but doesnt get anywhere? A: A refrigerator. Q: What is an astronauts favorite place on a computer? A: The Space bar! Q: What exam do young witches have to pass? A: A spell-ing test! Q: What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A: A cloud! Q: Why did the boy eat his homework? A: Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake! Q: Why is Basketball such a messy sport? A: Because you dribble on the floor! Q: How do you communicate with a fish? A: Drop him a line! Q: Where do sheep go to get haircuts? A: To the Baa Baa shop! Q: What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? A: Jellyfish! Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Crispies! Q: Why cant a leopard hide? A: Because hes always spotted! Q: What do you give a dog with a fever? A: Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A: A sour puss! Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter? A: Its easier than walking! Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey! Q: Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting peoples arms off? A: It was a vicious cycle. Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses? Q: Why does a hummingbird hum? A: It doesnt know the words! Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? A: Because they dropped out of school! Q: What goes up and down but doesnt move? A: The temperature! Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? A: Neither, they both weigh a ton! Q: Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? A: She still hasnt gotten all the hair off her tongue. Q: What has one horn and gives milk A: A milk truck. Q: Where do bulls get their messages? A: On a bull-etin board. Q: What do bulls do when they go shopping? A: They CHARGE! Q: What runs but cant walk? A: The faucet! Q: What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A: A water bed! Q: What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? A: Firecrackers! Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut. Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The dock Q: What do you call leftover aliens? A: Extra Terrestrials. Q: Whats taken before you get it? A: Your picture. Q: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A: You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup! Q: What concert costs 45 cents? A: 50 Cent featuring Nickleback. Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May. Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet. Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal. Q: Why did the child study in the airplane? A: He wanted a higher education! Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: What caused the airline to go bankrupt? A: Runway inflation. Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack? A: An abdominal snowman. Q: Did you hear the joke about the germ? A: Never mind. I dont want to spread it around Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal. A: a cereal killer. Q: What do you call a crushed angle? A: a rectangle Q: Who do fish always know how much they weigh? A: Because they have their own scales. Q: Why didnt the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? A: because it was rated arrrrr Q: What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? A: SUPPLIES! Q: What did the tie say to the hat? A: You go on ahead and Ill hang around! Q: Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? A: Because he was outstanding in his field. Q: What pet makes the loudest noise? A: A trum-pet! Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping? A: He woke up. Q: What the difference between you and a calendar? A: a calendar has dates. Q: What do you call a rabbit with fleas? A: Bugs Bunny! Q: Why did the manager hire the marsupial? A: Because he was koala-fied. Q: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? A: Tentacles. Q: What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? A: Bridge over troubled water. Q: Did you hear about the ghost comedian? A: He was booed off stage. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? A: An offer you cant understand. Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel? A: Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot! Q: How do spiders communicate? A: Through the World Wide Web. Q: Why are chefs so mean? A: They beat eggs and whip cream. Q: Did you hear about the guy whos whole left side was cut off? A: Hes all right now. Q: Did you hear about the paper boy? A: He blew away Q: What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? A: Arriba McEntire. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? A: An offer you cant understand. Q: Did you hear about the circus fire? A: Yeah, it was in’tents’. Q: Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? A: Because he was a paleontologist. Q: Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? A: Their making headlines... Q: What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? A: a Vel-Crow. Music Teacher: Whats your favourite musicle instrument? Fat Kid: The lunch bell Q: Why did the two 4s skip lunch? A: They already 8 (ate). Q: Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? A: She had a make-up exam! Q: Why did the insomniac man get arrested? A: He resisted a rest Q: How does a suit put his child into bed? A: He tux him in Q: What is a trees favorite drink? A: Root beer! Q: Where does bad light go? A: To prism! Q: What do sea monsters eat? A: Fish and ships source: jokes4us/miscellaneousjokes/cleanjokes.html
Posted on: Thu, 10 Jul 2014 18:21:03 +0000
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