Qualities To Look For In A Partner: Part 5: High Self Esteem Part 5 in the series of Qualities to Look for in a Partner is high self-esteem. This is another of those non-negotiables that should be included on our list of Must Haves & Deal Breakers before we take a relationship to the next level of commitment. But why is it important to have this quality before embarking on a relationship and why should you seek out someone with this attribute. A person with low self-esteem loves in order to feel good about themselves; a person with high self-esteem loves because they feel good about themselves. In psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, which means that it tends to be stable and enduring. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self such as the appraisal of one’s own appearance, beliefs, emotions and behaviours. The effects of low self-esteem: Seek approval; Critical and judgmental; Unassertive; Unhealthy relationships; Guilt and shame; Living with apology; Unrealistic view of themselves. The impact of low self-esteem on relationships: Fear of intimacy; Fear of commitment; Fear of rejection; Over-accommodating; No boundaries; False guilt; Feeling undeserving of love; Ineffective communication and conflict resolution skills. But self-esteem has limitations: Based on our differences and uniqueness; Not okay to be average; Need to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves; May result in narcissism and self-absorbed behaviour; May result in aggression when trying to protect our self-esteem; Often contingent on our latest success or failure; Unstable depending on our ever-changing circumstances. Self-Compassion: New studies show that self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem, but with fewer of the drawbacks (narcissism, sense of entitlement, over-confidence, conceited, proud, distorted self-perceptions, anger and anxiety). The premise is: To err is human. There are three elements of self-compassion: Self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-compassion is not dependent on possessing some particular set of traits (pretty, smart, rich, etc), it isn’t dependent on external circumstances and so it’s okay to fail. Most of us were taught as children to value ourselves through our achievements. The reality is that you are valuable because you are alive. If you battle to accept this statement then you probably have issues with self-esteem. If you don’t think you are inherently valuable then you will always strive to find your value outside of yourself: in another person, in your work, your qualification, and your looks. This is not a desirable attitude to have and you will probably have constant turmoil in the fight for high self-esteem. How can we practice self-compassion? We can give ourselves permission for our: A: Abilities (our skills and knowledge); B: Best Efforts (doing the best we can); C: Choicelessness (our limited options); D: Disposition (our biological makeup); E: Experience (life experiences that shape opinions); F: Freedom (the right to do as we please). This is not a stepwise process of A-F but a mix of all of the above in order to achieve the loving-kindness of true understanding towards ourselves and others. In closing: Whatever you choose to call it, self-esteem or self-compassion, your partner can only love you as much as they love themselves and vice versa. Do you love yourself enough to love someone else? And next time? Part 6 of Qualities to Look for … so watch this space. blog.matchvip.co.za/2014/06/18/qualities-to-look-for-in-a-partner-part-5-high-self-esteem/
Posted on: Wed, 18 Jun 2014 11:00:22 +0000
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