Quality one on one time with your child Most parents of young children struggle to varying degrees with their childs huge, and what can seem insatiable, need for their attention. When our children are little, the demands on our time, energy and patience can feel so overwhelming. The image comes to mind of how toddlers so often take the face of their mum or dad in their little hands and literally pull the parents head to face them despite (or because of!) their parent being deeply engrossed in a conversation with a friend. Our childs demands on our attention can touch deeply on our own unmet needs for the attention of those closest to us, our partner, our parent, our close friends. On the other hand, parents of teenagers often struggle with their teenagers disinterest in spending time with the parent, with the family in general. Parents can, understandably, feel rejected, powerless and shut out when their teen seems to want to spend most of their time with their peers, or if at home, they lock themselves in their room for hours on end, or choose to chat with friends on their laptop, the phone or spend hours texting. Many parent of teens regret not spending more quality time with their kids when they were younger when their child still both craved their attention and demanded it. Parents of young children can feel trapped by the unending needs of their child. So how can we get the balance? Children crave quality time with their parents because they have such a deep innate and healthy drive for that attention. When a parent can carve out the time, which isnt always easy in a parents busy life, to spend quality time with their child, theres a kind of magic that happens as the parents attention really moves in to the world of their child. When we put all else aside and really surrender to entering into our childs world, at whatever age, its as if our eyes open wider, our hearts open wider, we really hear what our child is saying, we really feel what they are feeling, we share their excitement, we reenter the world of imagination, we are reminded of the beauty of their innocence, we get to share those magic moments. As our child experiences our full attention, they draw from us whatever they need to learn, to strengthen, to grow and to develop their full potential. But I dont have the time to play with my child, theres too much to do! Making time to spend quality time with your child can take a real shift in focus when the laundry is piling up, theres always jobs staring at you around the house, crying out for your attention, when we have more than one child, when were working parents, when we have animals as well, when were worried and burdened. Its so easy for a family to get into a vicious circle of each person not getting the attention they need, each person becoming more and more stressed, parents and children, each person competing for attention, each person taking their frustration out on each other. Its not because we dont care enough or love enough, its just hard to step off the roundabout of unmet needs and change the focus to being more present.. The upward spiral of meeting needs. its hard to remember the importance of quality time when were stressed and over-stretched. But when we do, when we really can put all else aside and properly give our child our full attention, when we can let go of thinking through all the things that need to be done and really surrender to our childs world, when we enter into their world of play or song or imagination or nature or their big stories of excitement, imagination, curiosity, awe and wonder; we remember what they need, we deepen our bond with our child and often gain lots of little gems that really help us regain our own balanced and more centered state. Spending quality one on one time with your child is usually the medicine that’s needed when things become chaotic or out of balance in the family. Spending a whole day, or even half a day, or just an hour of quality one on one time with a child that is genuinely child focused (preferably following the childs lead) will invariably bring a parent back to be more in touch with their child. The parent slows down their pace, puts the rest of the world aside and gains a valuable little perspective of life through the eyes of their child. When their child is creating a huge story around a particular flower or stick and a parent really stops to listen and become involved, it’s always a reminder of the child’s innocence, goodness and beauty. It’s always amazing to remember that children are such children, that they can be so filled with happiness and excitement one minute and so distraught the next because their little project fell asunder when their whole world, their whole focus was totally and utterly absorbed by that particular flower or stick and then it broke or blew away. Children feel so deeply, experience life so passionately. How beautiful is that! The relationship between parent and child can transform when kids are given quality time. Whining voices become calm and strong as your child regains strength and confidence through your accepting presence. When I tell one of my kids, ok lets have some quality time today, they are always so excited and immediately fill with enthusiasm about all the possibilities of how we could use that time, they never tire of quality time, its always new and exciting. Whats that saying that goes something like, giving someone your full presence is the best present you can give. The difference between divided and undivided attention. It’s easy to think that we’re giving our kids heaps of attention because we’re spending lots of time together and we are giving them attention and communication all the time, but the difference is in the quality of that attention. Our children know when our mind is elsewhere, which of course it will inevitably be so much of the time understandably. The difference is also about giving ourselves over to their world for that time and for more than a half an hour at bedtime (not to ever underestimate how incredibly that nighttime attention is). It actually takes time to shift our head space and energies over to our childs world completely. As I write this, my kids are milling around and I respond to them as they ask me questions or listen as they tell me whatever it is they want to tell me. This is all fine and healthy, I’m happy and managing to do what I want to do, even if it’s just a short burst, and they’re happy enough amusing themselves in various ways, but it can’t be compared with giving either one of them my full undivided attention for a sustained length of time over a whole morning, afternoon, day or weekend or even an hour. During one on one time, the child becomes the centre of our world for that short time and they thrive on it, they need it. Dont we all need it, all crave it? We meet up with friends, acquaintances and relatives and chat to people all the time, but two people giving each other their full undivided attention and interest is absolute gold in relationships. It’s in these moments that the bond deepens and the experience can be incredibly profound and can unleash huge joy and love, deep insights and understanding and often release deep pain and grief. Deeper fears or wounds. Deep fears, worries and hurts that our children have can be very vulnerable. Kids often dont easily pour out the things that are really scary for them unless they feel truly safe. When a parent enters into the childs world and gives them their full attention, the child can sense that its a safe time to open up and share their vulnerable feelings or talk about the thing they experienced thats still affecting them. Parents who begin parenting with more connection, start to give their child more quality time and improve their listening skills regularly give me the feedback that theyre just blown away by the absolute gems that their child comes out with, theyre amazed that the child opens up and shares feelings and fears that the parent didnt realize were there. Our inner wisdom and intuition. I completely believe in our ability as human beings, and especially as mothers, to be attuned to our innate knowing and wisdom. I believe that there is always a voice inside us that whispers the truth to us, a voice that carries our natural wisdom of what’s needed to bring balance back to our close relationships. However, there may also be the voice of the “inner critic”, perhaps our internalized parent voice instructing us to show those kids whose boss or accusing yourself of not being a good enough parent. You may deep inside know what’s needed, but just feel too guilty and powerless to have the energy to do what’s needed. You may know that change is needed, but may not know how to change things because it looks too scary because it will bring up such painful feelings from your own childhood or you may not have the backup and support from your family or community that you need. Are we spoiling our child by giving them more attention? The information given here is offered as a support to you as you perhaps face the fear that arises when you courageously communicate or take actions according to your inner knowing that may appear to be in conflict with the different parenting approaches of family or friends or your culture in general. Weve largely been conditioned to believe (in our society in general) that giving our children too much attention will spoil them, or that if we stop and give them the attention they need, were just giving in to them. Your parenting path is unique to you. But to parent from the heart in the way that we as parents want and need to, in the way that our children need, we need to feel confident, we need to do it our way when it’s not necessarily the norm within our family or community, we need to have the emotional support and backup ourselves. If we dont have the support, we need to somehow create it. We need at least someone who supports us to do it our way. We need to feel free enough to do it our way and learn from our own mistakes. We need to not be over stressed, stretched, scared and lacking in a sense of security and belonging ourselves. Sigh! Easier said that done. Hence the journey. Instead of wishing we could be the perfect parent right now, its much healthier to settle in for the long term on the journey of coming to peace with ourselves as parents, coming to peace with the shortcomings of our own childhood, parenting is a journey of personal growth whether we choose it or not, its kind of forced upon us, but when we can allow and embrace that reality, evolution, magic and healing occur. We begin to break generations of unhealthy patterns while embracing generations of positive patterns and bring it all together in a beautiful unique package that enhances your familys uniqueness. When we can accept that the journey is a long one, every step along the way can bring its challenges and its victory, every step can become a celebration in itself. We’re allowed to still have a list of issues the length of our arm that we want to work through, in fact the more aware and conscious we become on the path towards peace, the layers of denial of pretending to be the perfect happy family lift and the sheer reality sets in. This can be daunting, but sobering. The goal is not to become the perfect harmonious family, but to be a parent who can love and accept yourself as a parent and your family as you are, the good, the bad and the ugly, we learn and deepen through our challenges. By Genevieve Simperingham
Posted on: Sat, 15 Mar 2014 06:38:29 +0000
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