R.I.P. to Robin. I hope he finds solace and peace- finally. No hellfire, no punishment for taking his own life- none of what I was taught as a little Catholic boy who didnt eat meat on Friday. No cruel fate by a vengeful God, or reliving the day over and over in spiraled agony and regret. Who could understand it- depression,despair, hopelessness, sadness...doom.It washes over you like a wave when you least expect it. It takes you out...drags you under...suffocates...tossing...tumbling...no control. You try to gain control, but all you end up doing is flailing your arms. You open your mouth so you can cry for help, but the wave washes over you and no sound comes forth. Then there the sounds that make no sense, though. You can hear those sounds in your head, but nothing you can explain in words. Not screams- too definitive. If you could scream you would. Because screaming might signify pain, right? But this is a different kind of pain that wont allow you to scream. Because no one can hear you anyway. How could you tell them you are in pain if you dont have the kind of hurt that makes you scream ? So you dont dare say anything least people say You.Are.Crazy. You ride the wave and live a life. It still drags you back under, deeper and deeper. Into the black depths of what passes for daily living vs. what gets you through daily living. Its a slow, painful, soundless process to the black depths. Each day something is taken away. No one notices because it is easily passed off as a quirk, a slight, a hazy moment. Dont want to be- Crazy. An ant, too small for a elephants vision, decides one day to eat an elephant. If a hungry ant starts to eat an elephant, it doesnt devour it in one day, one month, one year. It takes its mandibles and takes a tiny chunk at a time. Enough to satisfy it, but to the naked eye the elephant is still intact. Over time, though, the ant starts taking bigger chunks, enough that the elephant is slightly irritated but not too much. Then the ant takes bigger bites, and the irritation increases,and then, likewise, the pain.Still, it might not even become noticeable to those around the elephant. Maybe theyll see the irritation, but they accept it as a quirk, or a moment. And the elephant cant explain because it cant see the ant- only feel the pain it inflicts, and it cant tell anyone else. (Crazy, remember?) No one notices the ant, or worse, choose not to notice the irritated elephant (its just a quirk); just the elephant, and mainly because of its size: Its big, its noticeable, its commanding and it seems o.k., so nothing to be too concerned about. Besides, if something was really wrong with the elephant, it would say something and receive help, wouldnt it? But then the pain becomes so intense that, one day, the elephant decides it has had enough, that no one could possibly help with all this pain it feels anyway. So it slowly saunters off to the peace of an elephants graveyard. Shock, tears, dismay- even anger. Now everyone else is in pain and wonders why didnt the elephant say something ? Why did it choose to suffer in silence? Why couldnt that great big wonderful, full of life elephant, who was known and loved, and in turn well loved, be helped? Why did it go away like that after so many years? Why couldnt that elephant say something ? He didnt even say goodbye... Its not the drug. Its never the drug, no matter what form it is: money, fame, talent. Thats the mask that keeps the appearance up. Makes you a person that everyone recognizes. Its whats behind the mask and inside the soul that reveals the face of real, distorting pain. Its even worse when you just dont know what causes the pain. And the drug gets stronger as the pain increases and goes round and round until something gives. From the first moment of severe depression a person feels a little bit of themselves go away. Its horrible. You just cant do or feel what you did before- not that you dont want or desire to- you just cant. Its not in you. Poof ! Gone. Sometimes, most of the time, its not noticeable to others because you try to fake it. But the pain is always there, growing, expanding, consuming. Most sufferers try to hide it, because it cant be explained or its just not that important to burden others with. Some people slowly withdraw from the outside world, lose interest in others and discard what once made them happy and interesting, physically shrink their world to whats seen and heard around only themselves, insulate and confine themselves further, then mentally wrap themselves around what is then only directly in front of them, eventually lose interest in living, finally existing, and only long enough, to gather strength to be able to silently meander off towards their own chosen end, into the black depths, alone...like an elephant to an elephants graveyard. hosted2.ap.org/APDefault/*/Article_2014-08-12-US-Robin-Williams-Words/id-7a856b6212ba429fa97cf99d305fe7c4
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 01:48:59 +0000
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