ROAD BLOCKS It comes in various shape, size and form. Timing is everything. It can make an impact depending on the circumstances in life that we are currently having. Once it does, it affects how we view ourselves, how we feel and how we respond to future interruptions that we might bump into. At times, we encounter several hindrances in almost every possible turns on our journey or it is rarely present, but still disrupting our once smooth sailing ride on life. But two things we have to understand when we stumble to the next one: 1. A road block can only mean one of these things: it is meant to make you stop, or it is meant to make you go back and turn the other way or it can lead you to an entirely different way. You decide what it could possibly mean to you now. 2. A road block does not necessarily mean something we always have to overcome. It just exists just as we do. There is no use in stressing ourselves out if we don’t really have complete control over it. Let us put some of the concepts I learned in pain management to solve this current situation you are now having. We either addressed the road block with problem solving strategies or a little thought management. To help you decide better, assess the situation first. If you can think of a couple of options and alternatives then the former might be something you can benefit from. If on the other hand the situation is uncontrollable we use the latter. Let us begin. PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS Determine if there is really a problem. If you are sure that there is a problem then identify a specific one. Are your efforts not enough? Is it the system that has failed you? Are there contributing factors that lead you to this? A person? A thing? An event? Once you can pinpoint that the road block you are now encountering is malignantly resulting to a problem in your life then we can start thinking about alternatives. At this point, you can ask yourself any of the following questions? How did I end up here? What now? Am I trapped? Is there another way? Are there things I can still do to change my situation? Or you might even find that it is actually a “So what”. Surprisingly, most road blocks ends up with so-what. Then it is a clear sign to stop this process now and wait until I can explain the other strategy you can utilized which is the thought management. For others whose big questions are now being reflected above then we can proceed. Set aside the emotional turmoil that normally comes with your situation. Be objective about it. List it down if it helps, or talk to someone about it. What is really important is that you clear your mind off things and start thinking clearly. Jot down all possible detours, u-turns, even consider calling a towing service to help you get out of that road block ahead. After having 101 ways to manage a small pebble or big boulder blocking your way then it is time to evaluate if each of it does make sense and if there are outstanding few that is worth giving a try. It will eventually shorten our hit list to top ten. Woohoo. Great job! Trust your instinct and common sense on this and you will eventually weed out the things that may not be so important right now. We can now appreciate the beauty of our work, it means we have gone beyond acceptance and is now definitely moving forward. We may become emotional again but a constant reminder that we need to tackle things with objectivity is really what we need if we want some changes to happen. At this point, reward yourself with something. A haircut, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, shopping, or a proper sleep may be enough to get you going. We are almost there. We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but we will soon realize we actually have complete control over it because the light comes from the flashlight we are now holding. That is the beauty of this practical strategy; we rely only on ourselves to find solution so we are actively moving on. Back to work now, from your short list let us evaluate the pros and cons of each. Making a thorough evaluation and taking note of the point system we have made as criteria. After the gruelling process which may take a couple of days or even weeks to ponder on, we are now down to final three or even two. We can now make our final choice on the most plausible step that you will now take. Once you have chosen one, you must commit on it. It is indeed trial and error though, so if it does not work for you once implemented then you can go back to the other options. But emphasis is on commitment. If what you have decided is to start from scratch and re-do everything again then don’t doubt it. It will be the most difficult part but you have given it much thought so you know this is the best option for you by far. Exhaust all your efforts in trying the path you have finally chosen. Avoid swerving or driving in reverse because it will be dangerous at this stage since it is an uphill road when you are implementing your plans. Evaluate if it worked. If not, then you might want to go back a few steps on our problem solving process and re-think your other options. Or you might even have new alternatives now that you want to evaluate. It will not be unforeseen if you might even identify a new problem or realize that there is no problem in the first place. We have now reached the end of the process and hopefully by now, you are more empowered to stumble on the next road block. Never wish that there will be no road blocks in the future just wish that you are more equipped the next time you encounter it. Remember it exists, just like we do. THOUGHT MANAGEMENT Remember you are now heading this way because you are sure that the situation you are currently in is beyond your control or you have tried the previous technique and failed in it. The concept is quite simple: No situation is a hopeless case. We only think it is because we gave up on it and let our thoughts believe there is really nothing we can do. As the famous adage would put it, If you cannot beat them, join them. The biggest leap we need to make is acceptance. It is not a defeat. It is not even a dead end. It is just a road block. We need to accept it, because probably by now we tried all ways to lift, push, pull and even scratch it but we know that to no avail it does not cease to exist. It is bigger than us and no amount of effort can get it out of our way. So how does the process works? Simple, we begin by focusing on ourselves. Be watchful of your thoughts. What are your thoughts lately? How are you really assessing this current roadblock? What does it mean to you? When did you start having these thoughts? What is/are usually the situation/s that triggers you to think this way? Is it merely opening your Facebook account or Twitter? Is it when you are all alone with no one to talk to? Is it when you are idle and have nothing much to do? Is it when you compare yourself with another person? Try to catch yourself as much as possible because it is highly critical in the process. How do you feel during or even after you have the thoughts running in your head? What are the emotions it stirs on you? How does it affect your mood during the day? Is it a nice or bad feeling? Then how are you coping right now? Are you masked with false acceptance in front of everyone but crumbling down to pieces when you are all alone? Are you avoiding people and activities? Are you trying but always failing? Are the people surrounding you notice any difference in you lately or have you noticed any difference on how other people treat you these past few days/weeks? It is best if you can write things down so that you can actually have it reflected back to you clearly. You can also make it easier for yourself to monitor any progression or regression. Read this with a very open mind. Abandon your own beliefs and let these concepts enter and linger in your thoughts for a while. I am not asking that you accept it or believe it. Just give it a chance. Here it goes: I hope you realize while you are responding to my cues above that your thoughts are very powerful. The thoughts can affect how you feel and how you even respond to your situation. If you are still not convinced, let us do some exercise. Close your eyes. Think of a happy place. A place where you want to be, and think of the different exciting activities you can do, and think of the people you want to bring with you to enjoy it. Give a few minutes to imagine things. How did that make you feel? For some it can evoke a little spark of joy. For some I know you will say it does not make any difference to my misery and I just felt more stupid. It is perfectly understandable given your situation. I could relate on that because when I have a car accident a few years ago with my colleagues on a holiday trip, we underwent a psychological procedure. We were made to close our eyes and the psychologist gave us a few instructions then afterwards, he asked what do you see? My companion just simply replied darkness. Something you would expect for someone with eyes fully closed. It does not mean it does not work for you; on the contrary, it is an assurance that you are completely normal. Let us try a more practical exercise than that. I will not ask you to lift an object by thinking about it nor will I request that you endure a walk on the bed of nails while thinking it is not painful. Nothing of that sort, I will keep it rather simple. Get your favourite food and before devouring the whole thing, think of several gross out things you can associate with the color, texture, weight or any other characteristics of the food. If visual images can help, look at several pictures or watch a short clip or the most absurd stuff you can think of right now like probably a cannibal eating human flesh. Let your creativity work for you. Try to eat the food while you are imagining, thinking, viewing, watching or actually looking at the gross out stuff you have identified. Do you still want to eat it? You might still do but really assess if it does not affect your appetite at the very least. Even a little perhaps is enough. This thought management strategy will work for you only if you want it to work. That is how powerful it is. If you don’t think it will do you better, what would? You think you are better off sulking through your misery? That is perfectly fine because I also live by an almost similar mantra in life. I believe that when you are facing quite a difficult time, you must not avoid it but actually let it stay. If it is painful, let it remain. Then next time you will remember how painful it is to be in that situation and you will do all things possible not to end up there again. The negative experience can become a source of learning. Now we say you learn the hard way but if it works for you, I will leave you at that. What you really need are not actually strategies, but time. I understand that some people are capable of self-healing. But if the little exercises above stir up some results on you even the slightest then you can give the thought management strategy a try. Here is what you will do next. Monitor yourself closely 24/7 in the next couple of weeks. List or at least take note of your thoughts occurring any time of day, examine what could possibly triggered it and how it made you feel afterwards or how you responded to it. A four column sheet can do you the trick. Now if there is one or more thoughts that has been occurring quite more often than the others mark it. It is an automatic thought. Examine if there is a connection with these thoughts you have marked. Like for example all of these thoughts pointed out to putting down yourself and doubting what you are actually capable of doing. That connecting idea that rules all the other thoughts coming in your head is your core belief. We will now target that next. Think of the complete opposite idea in any of the automatic thoughts you have identified. If you think you are ugly. Then the complete opposite is you are beautiful. Think of it but don’t believe it. Just try to really challenge it with series of questions and facts. For example, what is the definition of beauty in the first place? Who defined beauty? Is it true that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Is that a completely stupid idea? Look closely at the mirror. Examine each of your attributes. Is it really that bad? Of whose standards? Is it a universal standard? Does everyone think of beauty similarly? If it brought some sense on how absolute you think about it and that in reality it is far from what you have initially thought then stop. If you still believe in those thoughts try harder in challenging them. Research, talk to an expert, go over it again and again. Hopefully, it will reduce your initial thought that you are ugly to something like I am not in a good shape right now, I have gained some weight and my eyes have dark circles around it because I have not been sleeping well. That is fair enough, how do you feel about that? You may still feel very sad but if you will put numbers in it probably a little reduction from 10-9 at this point is already a commendable effort. Then push yourself a little bit further by thinking of helpful thoughts like probably that you just need to relax a little bit and stop stressing over the matter even for a few hours or maybe just as simple as a thought that it is just a phase you will get over it, or maybe a huge plan that you need an operation make over to make you feel good about yourself again. It depends on you, be realistic about making some helpful thoughts. You don’t want to be caught up on a thought that is so positive that it is hard to believe it. Initially make some effort in using the helpful thought every time your automatic thoughts knock on your door again. Practice makes perfect so do it religiously until it becomes automatic. Notice the difference in your aura when utilized correctly and with long term use. Actually others will notice that the change has been made. As my favourite psychologist Victor Frankl states it, If you cannot change the situation, change your attitude. Congratulations. The road block may still be there but you manage to find your way around it.
Posted on: Wed, 07 Aug 2013 11:51:44 +0000
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