Ramblings on a tear filled page from a broken heart..... Its been almost 90 days since my beloved wife Teresa (Chemo Sabe) passed away and i have struggled thru good moments and many bad days turning to weeks. Tears seems to flow frequently and effortlessly. These are the lonely days of loss... The cards,letters and calls come far less frequently as others lives go rightfully on. The joy of being invited out quickly fades to the realization that in a room full of people you are alone, a mere fractional part of all that was good and right when there was us and not just me. Alone to witness the tight lipped stares from faces that dont know what to say as they remember or maybe a slightly curved mouth and nod as if seeming to say i remember now your wife is gone, so sorry for your loss. This is the silent pain i endure isolated and alone. Death shreds the VERY fabric of coupleness; it renders embodied intimacy an impossibility. The gaping wound where we were once unconditionally bound together is bleeding profusely and I have no idea how to stop it. My grieving heart guides my mind as it races from one imaged memory to another, wishing I could repeat life as easily as my mind replays the past. Dare I admit to You that I feel angry? Why must I be the one left standing here alone? Death you have taken my life partner, why must I continue to live? Is my grieving due to the departure of Teresa the one who was as much a part of me as my very self? Is this cloud that surrounds me black with despair because I feel abandoned and condemned to pull a wagon we made for two? Or is it self pity camouflaged as righteous mourning? Regardless of preparation and forewarning, here I am, overwhelmed by the sudden reality that now after 52 years as the perfect match now being a single entity. God, do you still recognize me when I am but half of the us that used to approach Your throne? I am the one that remains here on earth, all alone. My prayer Father God... I ask for sunshine again where there is rain. For light where only dwells darkness. For healing where there is pain. I am lonely and miss companionship. I miss her touch and her smile. The softness of her hair and the smell of her perfume. I miss her reassuring way. I miss the quiet times that now seem to have been over taken by the true silence of death. I miss the intimate moments, the touch and feel of kisses on her cheek. The unspoken words. I miss her inner strength and her outer weakness. I miss her grace, her passion and her unconditional love. I miss......i miss...........i miss. She is more than just my wife......she is my life. Forgive me gracious God. You are the Creator and the Sustainer of life. The enormous pain of loss is only partially eased by the understanding that You, God, are in control. Devine destiny is neither understood nor simple to bear; give me true faith to believe in Your goodness and peace to accept the path that lies before me. Oh God, help me understand how I may best serve Your purpose in these pain filled moments and guide me as I continue the journey with faith filled steps. Father i am your son. A simple man, more sinner than saint. I ask these thing in you holy name. Amen Amen Amen To my Facebook friends forgive my ramblings
Posted on: Sun, 09 Mar 2014 17:04:54 +0000
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