Real Teachers Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sams. Real teachers will eat anything left in the teachers lounge. Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have even been seen grading in church. Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a school day. Real teachers cant walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair. Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning around. Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and elasticity of their bladders. Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the teachers manuals. Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that. Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open house. Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid gets a Valentine. Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders. Playing with Meanings -- Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasnt much, but the reception was excellent. -- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, Ive lost my electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, Im positive... -- A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, Ill serve you, but dont start anything. -- Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. -- A dyslexic man walks into a bra. -- A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road. -- Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,I was artificially inseminated this morning. I dont believe you, said Dolly. Its true, no bull! exclaimed Daisy. -- An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. -- Deja Moo: The feeling that youve heard this bull before. -- A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, My dogs cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, lets have a look at him. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, Im going to have to put him down. What? Because hes cross-eyed? No, because hes really heavy. -- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldnt find any. -- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldnt reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high. -- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I cant feel my legs! The doctor replied, I know you cant - Ive cut off your arms! -- I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. -- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you cant have your kayak and heat it too. -- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. -- A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry we dont serve food in here. Charity A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum. You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? Thats a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it? Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, Thanks. Crossing The River Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, Lord, please give me the strength to cross the river. Poof! Lord gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed, Lord, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river. Poof! Lord gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, Lord, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river. Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
Posted on: Mon, 05 Jan 2015 19:05:29 +0000
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