Recently, I have received a lot of criticisms that begin with, As a person of faith dont you think that you should (fill in the blank) or As someone who cares about the poor, wouldnt it be better if you did (fill in the blank.) Well, you know what? Piss off. For the last decade, I have gladly given my life and sacrificed many things. However, over time I began to slowly lose myself. I sold out. I didnt want to upset a bishop or cause a donor not to give. You need to be more marketable people would tell me. So before I would express an opinion, I would suffer the weight and guilt of potentially pushing someone to the point that they would no longer give, because if I did that, someone might starve, so I learned to shut up. I became silenced on so many issues, such much more than just marriage equality. I didnt want to upset my Orthodox brothers, so I didnt speak out against the Patriarch during the oppression of Pussy Riot, and I even tried to justify it. I wouldnt say something against the Pope, because I didnt want to offend Roman Catholics. I even had to contend with the atheists. There was a great deal to be silent about. Now some people say to me, Why dont you just speak about things that are uplifting or that unite us?, but the reality is that we cant progress if we ignore what divides us. Looking the other way will not end wars or racism or intolerance or violence, so I wont do it. I cant do it, not anymore. Ive given a decade to attempting to please people, to try and fit into some box. But Ive grown claustrophobic, and I breathe better hiding under bridges, and hanging out with strippers and beggars, and whomever else it is that society deems somehow unworthy of Sunday morning attendance. I wasted the last of my give a damn keeping silent in South Carolina, and Ive got no more to give. Not right now. I need to recharge my batteries. I used to think I was on a journey for truth, but what is that? I think its better to search for honesty. Ive been through a lot of truths over the years and Im tired of them. Honesty, that is beautiful. The honest truth is: I know nothing and anything Ive said in the past is subject to absolute scrutiny. Some of it may be retained, but a lot of it may not. Honesty hurts much more, but we all need to be a little bit more honest. I know I do. Sometimes that will be ugly and sometimes it will be upbeat, but I lost myself somewhere along the journey for truth, and I need to go back there and find him. Because he is stuck somewhere between standing next to a Bible Thumper with a sign that reads, Im With Stupid and standing at a golden altar. Now, that might not be true…but it sure as hell is honest.
Posted on: Tue, 29 Oct 2013 02:24:11 +0000
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