Refections from a long walk... the kind of reflections we always think would be good to share, and then for a hundred reasons and hearing a hundred voices of judgment never do, asking ourselves instead what good can come of sharing such thoughts, and we bury them and continue on, forwarding a myth but it is exhausting holding back, holding in, presenting a version of things, like holding ones breath forever... ____________________ We all try to do our best, try to know what we are doing, to have it together, to excel, to improve, to be productive... if we make mistakes we learn to correct them, or address them privately, revealing only our strengths, or the appearance of strength it starts as a kid wanting to please our parents, then with our teachers, then our friends, our parents friends, then our peers, then our professors, then our colleagues, then our bosses, then our staff, then entire communities... I think I have often tried too hard, to be good, to be right, to be the best and while my intent has been mostly pure, (ego inevitably works its way in), by pursuing and presenting successive and escalating levels of endeavor and success, with people unaware of my own fears and faults and needs along the way, it has been to my own detriment and isolation. I appear to be something and someone other than I am. To have it more together than I do. to be fine. Surrounded mythically by all I need and want at each step. In part it is symptomatic of the performer being in control... having a finished work that we dont reveal until it is ready for applause, and then we step out night after night to present it and receive applause.. the ultimate validation, tonly to have it evaporate in the blazing light of self criticism 15 minutes later, forgetting that art, and performance, is sacred, not a business or a mission and that daily life can be art, well lived and loved A few of my closest friends see and know my flaws and fears, even if weve seldom talked about them... (who does really when were all trying to keep it all moving forward and up). And they know my simple dreams and desires (not the big career moves and ambitions). I treasure my friends for the love they show in spite of my slow reveal of weaknesses (they see them already, whether I have admitted it or not), and the trust I feel to be increasingly me around more people. Others likely still see me (and the person I present, be it in person or on social media through the sliver of representation of who one is) as either impossibly together, or, in the absence of revealing weaknesses, arrogant or dismissive. History in the Making fact I know that to have been the case. It has never been intended as such. Any appearance of confidence has strictly been fear to reveal, and fear of failure. To those who have ever felt slighted or judged or distant by my role or manner, I am sincerely sorry. In fact, let it be known I am not who I appear to be or had hoped to be. Big A Aengus keeps doing big things, taking on roles, paying his dues and debts, stepping up, and doing his endless part for the cause and community.... while little a aengus just wants to be warm, and in the company of friends, and to have time... and to spend it doing joyful things as simple as cooking or reading. and who doesnt want that and who doesnt feel the same sense of just trying to keep up with life Something calls us each to do what we do, that is undeniable.. that is the spark in us that leads us one way or the other starting in youth, and invites us on the various paths and adventures of life that start to define us, around which we build an identity (personal and public). some of it is entirely sincere, others parts are a trap And in our own ways we each protect ourselves (and our jobs and identity) by not revealing the questions or doubts or mistakes we make. then we worry about what would happen if we actually posted the truth about who we were or how we felt in a moment. what would people think? who will think it is indulgent to post such a message. who will criticize it as just a manufactured message, akin to a finished song ready for applause. who will unnecessarily post well-intentioned comments that counter the sentiment to comfort but distract from effort of truth . Or heaven forbid those who rely on me to keep it together would be left with doubt looming... So we dont share, we just continue... perpetuating perfection. But why not... why be so guarded, why appear so collected, so sure... it doesnt feel human, healthy, or honest In a world where we text and post and share all the right things and images I wish to acknowledge that I, like everyone else, have a life more complex than portrayed in posts or daily comings and goings.... I am just a tired human (like everyone else), trying my best, jealous, lost, full of dreams, watching time, wishing for more, wanting less, not sure of all the right steps, not wanting to be more than anyone else, in fact simply wanting the same things... warmth, the company of friends, and time... tricky tricky time. Wanting to open my heart, and say Amen. one breath at a time, the light, the sign, the Amen is within... I too often forget that the real work to be done daily is inner work https://youtube/watch?v=jmKZfWguino
Posted on: Tue, 16 Dec 2014 05:19:15 +0000