Regret is futile. If only I had done this, if only I had done that implies the possibility of my having done something differently. But I did what I did, and it is done, and that behavior is a fact, and any other replacement behavior is a fantasy. So regret is pretty much feeling bad because I cant replace an actual, done deal behavior with some fantasized different behavior. Aint gonna happen ... no matter how much weeping and wailing and sackcloth and ashes I go through in the process of wanting it to happen. The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. ~ From Edward Fitzgeralds translation of the poem The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyam, 1859 A more useful response to thinking about some remembered something and feeling bad about the memory might be for me to generate lessons learned ideas, ideas about what would be a more useful behavior if a similar situation presents itself to me in the future, a different behavior that I think/feel might leave me with happier memories and better feelings about myself ... next time. This may work for some people, but I find that my I could do this or say that pre-planned behaviors dont seem to work all that well in the reality of a new moment and situation. A perhaps even more useful response for me is to sit with the regret-inducing memory, no excuses, no condemnations, just sit with the memory, opening myself to the emotions, thoughts, and physical responses in my body that arise when I access and am quiet with something I, for instance, wish Id handled or responded to differently. I find that increasing my awareness about some past behavior that I dont feel good about seems to lead to my behaving differently the next time a similar situation arises, at least part of the time. I attribute that to new learnings and integrations somewhere in my mind, learnings based on contemplation of what happened in some specific time & place, learnings taking place mostly in the parts of my mind that drive my mostly-automatic behavior patterns, what some people might call my unconscious mind. Of course, this is just me rambling from inside my private island universe. Your mileage may vary :p If it does, regret is futile :) We do what we do, and we get what we get. ~ One of my friend Ewalds fave sayings back in the day
Posted on: Sun, 21 Sep 2014 02:12:48 +0000
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