Resistance Book Three-#TheAtonement, coming in 2 weeks! She gave Catherine her bath and kept one eye on the clock as she read her a bedtime story. “How come daddy nod home yet? He apposed to read the story,” the little girl asked. “Daddy’s working late,” Elsa explained. Or so she hoped. The dinner crowd had cleared out an hour ago. “I don’ like it. Tell daddy he no can work late no mo’. I need him to do the voices.” Elsa forced a smile and kissed Catherine’s head. Maybe he was avoiding her, not wanting to see her because she reminded him of losing Jeremiah. Well, no one felt guiltier about that than she did and she suddenly resented that he couldn’t see that. He told her he understood but here he was, avoiding her. Her resentment increased and after putting Catherine to bed, Elsa went downstairs to clean up the kitchen, needing to keep busy so she didn’t focus on her increasing anger. She should call the restaurant. He should have been home half an hour ago. A prick of fear needled her chest. Surely something hadn’t happened to him… She pushed the thought away, willing herself to feel the anger again instead. She heard his key in the lock fifteen minutes and stiffened as she waited for him to make his way into the kitchen. “We had a good crowd ton-” Friedrich said and Elsa clutched the end of the sink. “Where have you been?” she seethed, finally turning around. His brows came together in confusion. “You know where I was. The restaurant.” Elsa narrowed her eyes at him. “The dinner crowd ended over an hour ago. Did you just decide not to come home and leave me to worry out of spite?” She crossed her arms over her chest. Friedrich sucked in his breath. “Of course I didn’t. I told you I was staying to help them close up.” “No you didn’t!” Elsa insisted, her voice rising as she fought not to cry. “I know you stayed away because you’re mad at me, because I didn’t let Jeremiah stay with us! Just say it, Friedrich. ‘I’m mad at you Elsa because you sent Jeremiah away.’ Just say it!” “Elsa, I told you I was going to stay until closing,” he said calmly but there was a flicker of something in his eyes that told her she was right. He was mad at her for Jeremiah. “Do you think if you had told me you were staying to close the restaurant I would have been here worrying myself-” She stopped suddenly as the words came back to her. I’ll be helping them close up too. She gave a little start as guilt slammed into her. He had told her. She had forgotten. Ashamed and furious with herself, Elsa’s eyes filled with tears and she grabbed the tray she had been washing and threw it on the floor before she ran upstairs to the bedroom and threw herself on the bed, sobbing. She distantly heard the rush of little feet as she lay on the bed, curled up and trying to breathe through her choking sobs. “Wha happen?” Catherine’s small worried voice asked in the hall way. “It’s all right, sweetheart. Mama’s just feeling sad,” Friedrich explained softly. “Cause of Jemimah?” “Yes. It’s okay. Go back to bed.” “I sad too, daddy. But I know mama did it so we can be safes. I forgive you, Mama,” the little girl said towards the bedroom door, and Elsa bit her fist and moaned as a fresh wave of anguish gripped her. She heard Friedrich walk away from their bedroom with Catherine to settle her back into the bed and Elsa buried her face in the pillow and cried until she felt her body begin to exhaust itself from such an intense emotional purge. Her sobs gradually lessened to cleansing shudders. “Better?” Friedrich whispered in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest. Elsa blinked and wiped at her cheeks, looking at him. She took a deep, shaky breath through her mouth, her nose quite effectively stuffed. “A little. Yes.” He moved carefully towards the bed, as if unsure that just because she felt better it didn’t mean she felt better about him. She moved over on the bed to give him room and he sat. Elsa lifted herself only enough to settle her head on his thighs. “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she said. “I feel so foolish. You did tell me you were staying late.” “Yes, but I don’t imagine that was the real reason for that exciting display,” Friedrich pressed. “No,” Elsa admitted, a fist of sadness tightening in her chest again. “Why were you so upset with me?” She felt him stiffen. “Friedrich,” she said when he said nothing. “I said no. To Maksim meeting Catherine. I don’t want her to have anything to do with that world, with the secrets and violence of it. She’s already been through too much.” Elsa lifted her head and sniffled, her head beginning to throb. “I agree. I wonder if maybe there is a way he can visit with her and not put her and us at risk but I understand why you said no and that’s the final word on the matter. It’s all right with me.” “Elsa,” Friedrich said as if he’d caught her in a lie. She turned in his lap and looked up at him. “What? It is. I know-” Friedrich pressed his lips together then sighed. “I saw you. How you thought I was wrong to say no. I saw the look on your face and how you closed your eyes.” Elsa blinked and tried to remember if she had done such a thing. Oh. “Oh no, Friedrich. No! That wasn’t it at all!” She quickly scrambled upright and gave a little groan as the motion sent a fresh throb of pain through her head. “I closed my eyes because I felt so guilty.” He looked at her confused by the apparent change of subject. “Because of Jeremiah?” Elsa shook her head and took his hands. “No. Well, yes but not in that moment. I felt guilty because I’m such a terrible wife.” “Don’t say that,” Friedrich insisted, squeezing her fingers. “I love you and you’re all the wife I could dream of.” Her heart lifted at his words but she gave a sad smile. “Not really. You deserve a wife that lets you be a husband. I’m afraid I’m not very good at that.” He gave a small nod of understanding. “Ah.” “That’s why I was so sad at lunch. Because Ania deferred to me instead of you and it should have been you.” He swallowed and she saw in his eyes that he’d hoped he’d done a better job of hiding how much the situation had bothered him as well. “It’s hard. Harder than I thought it would be. David said I had never truly needed him. Maybe that’s why we fell apart, because I kept my secrets, determined to shoulder it all on my own. I thought with you it was different because you knew all my secrets. Friedrich, I need you so much. Truly I do. You believe me, don’t you?” She cupped his face. He gave a short laugh. “I believe you love me, and I think we fit together so perfectly that it would be like a wrenching in our souls to lose each other. But I don’t think you need me to survive.” “I do!” Elsa protested. “When I thought I’d lost you in Moscow, I thought I’d go mad with it.” He shook his head. “You wouldn’t. Because of Catherine, yes, but also because of who you are. That strength in you that I love so much is also a very hard thing for me as your husband. You’d survive anything because you truly are a solitary soul. You can rebuild and forge on just on your own determination.” Elsa’s lower lip quivered and fresh tears sprung to her eyes as she understood the truth of his words. She was the one who took care of everyone else. She ran things. She made something of herself and forged her own path, her own future out of the ashes of atrocity. “I can be different.” Friedrich kissed her forehead. “I don’t want you to be different. If God forbid something had happened to me in Moscow or if something had happened to my health it is a huge relief to me to know that you’d have been all right.” “Don’t say that!” Elsa insisted. He stroked her cheek. “The idea terrifies me too. But you know what I mean and you know I’m right.” Elsa shuddered. “I do.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “It’s hard for me to step back and give you your place like a wife should. But I’m trying. That’s why I said okay with Catherine. You deserve to have a say and I let you make the decision.” “I love you for that. I suppose I misunderstood why you looked so upset when I said no. I’m sorry for that. I guess a part of me…” He took a deep breath and squeezed an arm around her. “…was mad at you for Jeremiah.” Elsa looked up at him. “Ever since I came back, in Switzerland, I mean, I’ve felt on the outside. Even in the camp I would say because of what I was doing there. I’ve always felt apart from things, but especially when I was in hiding in Switzerland. You were the one who ran things there. You had the life that was at risk, the marriage. You had to call the shots. You could only see me when you could get away. You said when I could see Catie, when I couldn’t.” “I wanted to run away with you!” Elsa protested. “If you’d only said the word I would have run anywhere with you. You were the one who had that damned nobility complex that didn’t want to take me away from my life and have a life on the run.” Friedrich nodded. “That’s true enough, but that’s because I loved you and I wanted better for you than a life on the run with a hunted man. You can’t tell me that’s what you wanted.” “I wanted you!” Elsa insisted. “Yes. But you also enjoyed the life you had and wanted to keep it.” Elsa scowled at him but felt an uncomfortable tightness in her stomach at the truth of his words. “So for a while, you had both and I let you because I wanted that life for you and I didn’t want to let you go. Then with Catherine, I wanted the same thing for her so I stayed on the outside and let you say when I could see her. I suppose when we married, I automatically assumed you would step back and let me be the man of the house. Maybe that wasn’t fair.” “I want that, Friedrich. I swear I do!” Elsa urged. “I believe you. But I wasn’t fair to you to expect it to be an automatic adjustment. Then when this thing happened with Jeremiah, I again, stepped back and let you decide what we would do when the truth is, Elsa, I wanted that boy. I wanted that boy to live with us.”
Posted on: Thu, 06 Mar 2014 15:20:54 +0000
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