Rest in piece my darling father. You were one hell of a man. I remember when you first fell ill on November 6th. I remember the panic i had, seeing you so rapidly change. When i first found you at home, blood dripping from your head, i somehow knew you would never be the same again. Though you always had that inner strength, through the surgery, chemo and radiotherapy, that strength was shown, everyone noticed.I know our relationship was like 2 bulls in a paddock, always fighting to be the Alpha male, but the time i have spent with you over the past 9 months have been some of the best moments in my life. How we spoke till dawn about love, lust, friends, family, betrayal, life and death, i know thats something i will never be able to forget. The chill of the summer night, with a slight warmth to the wind, both of us freezing, but both of us were too stubborn to admit being cold and wanting sleep, most importantly not wanting to leave each others company. The best decision of my life was for me to keep you at home, and look after you till you passed. The decision weighed on my heavily, I dont think anyone will understand, the choice mum gave me, as it would only be her and i looking after you till your death, as your eldest son was at university, by your wish, to see him live his dream. My choice was one of complete dedication, selflessness and love. When you passed i wanted it to be in your bed. And by the support of family and the RDNS, the royal district nursing service, my wish was granted. I am not the crying type, though on the 28th of June, i had finally cracked. A picture i drew, of the easter bunny as a child, was in the garage, where you used to smoke. I remember being outraged by the act of you placing your ashtray on my picture, now leaving it dirty and ruined. Though how wrong i was. Only when i moved your ashtray, did i notice that you had placed it over the center piece of my picture which was kept perfectly clean, so you could see it every time you went outside. I then realised why you took a torch out when you used to smoked, always holding it to shine light onto the picture i drew as a child. I cant forget your speech to me. Tears rolling down your face, struggling to find your breath, as you thanked me for looking after you. “you have grown up to be such a perfect boy… such a perfect man. I dont know how to thank you for everything that you have done for me, just take care of your mother for me, you have to promise to take care of her because i no longer can. I cant tell you what a blessing you are, what you have done for me. I love you so much son. Im glad i was there for you Dad. I already miss having to stand up and rush over to you, every time you moved, so that i was there in case you fell. I miss having to walk beside you everywhere you went, as much as you hated that. I miss running to the sound of mums voice, as she called my name because you needed my assistance. I know you appreciated everything i did for you. SHowering, changing, toileting, cleaning, anything i could do to make you comfortable, and most importantly to you, just sharing a smoke with you so you wouldnt be lonely. I dont i have ever been so upset in my life, i cant stop wishing that i had cherished our time together more. When you passed away i could feel you leave. You looked so peaceful. Im glad our last 2 memories together were so perfect. Firstly, within the final days, i told you that i loved you. Your response though made no sense. I knew you said i love you, though it sounded like one word, i could only tell by the pitch and tone of your voice that you said that. Then, as clear as day, you opened your eyes fully, for the first time in days, and said; i love you too, my son which was followed by attempting to lean up to give me a kiss, though your body had become weak, and you no longer possessed the strength to move your body into a sitting up position. Im glad i allowed me to help you sit up, even though it was only for a few seconds. I knew by the way your breathing changed it hurt, but im glad you put yourself aside, to help me. The final memory of you was when the RDNS, feliks mum and i were going to move you, to make you more comfortable. Though because of the disease, you had become sensitive, sometimes even a slight touch caused pain, or some form of uncomfortable feeling, and now 5 people were attempting to move you. You opened your eyes again because of the pain you were in. No words were said, but from your eyes i could tell that you were in pain. You were uncomfortable and wanted it all to stop. Though i gave out my hand, and you took it. It offered no physical support for moving you, it was simply so that you didnt have to be alone. When you took my hand, i saw your eyes change, from the tears that didnt want to come out, changing to the sheer trust love and respect your eyes were telling me that you had for me. Even though the last 9 months have been hard on the family, I’m glad mum, feliks and i made our decision to keep you at home, all the while knowing it was going to be the hardest part of our lives, and it no doubt was. Though the most rewarding at the same time. I know life is filled with death. As my brother said to mums best friend sally, death is the only thing we are guaranteed in life. Though that does not make the passing of your farther any easier, not to mention when he is leaving behind 1 young boy, just turned 19, 1 young man, just turned 21 and 1 beautiful wife. The fact of my age, i believe has made this so much harder, though so much easier. I can’t thank my farther enough for the gifts he has given me. His physical strength was one of the biggest reasons we were able to palate him at home. This gift you gave me allowed mum and i to move you, for me to lift you onto the couch lift you from a sitting position and so forth. Thank god i has this strength, and mum had her smarts, we were so lucky. Though, i would like to remind everyone that this action did not come at a cost. Mum had to quit her job, I have had to cancel university, which i later picked back up. Im more then grateful that Feliks, was still able to do exactly what he wanted to do. Someone was always home, as it was a requirement that he was taken care of, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can’t explain the emotional stress of mum and i, almost never leaving the house, more so in the last 6 months. Many people have been there for us in our time of need. My darling girlfriend Elizabeth, always there for emotion support. Uncle chris, always around at the house, giving mum and i the support we needed, and taking care of mum, like he did when they were children. Mums best friends, Sally, Julie Anne and her mother Lozie. Always they were around, checking in on mum and i, dropping off food, cleaning and just being loving friends, with every minute they could spare. Brett, sallys husband and a close friend of Dad, taking time out of his busy days, coming over to share a beer with dad, and listen to his every ramble. Ronnie, organizing everything for us over the past few months, even though she lives in a different state. You were such a character dad, with your rings, that were so large they only fitted you and i. Your necklaces, the way your nails were a different color every week. They way you dressed, always having a thousand different hats, shoes and sunglasses. I believe it is safe to say, you have always been you, and never cared that you could be seen as different. Im glad i made your few months since diagnosis comfortable, enjoyable, relaxing and peaceful. I am glad with the life you gave me, i was able to make your death as peaceful as possible, and keeping you company late into the night. I love you, my darling farther. Sleep well.
Posted on: Mon, 21 Jul 2014 10:20:44 +0000
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