Robin Williams was sort of a hero to me, in a way that I cant quite put into words. His death was a shock to me, as it was to many but, it has brought on a great deal of introspection. Ive known a few people who have taken their own life and Ive seen the way this has affected those that loved those people. I have witnessed the anger and heard those claims of selfishness, and so on. I too have suffered from depression a great deal in my life and I am currently in the midst of the worst depression I have ever experienced. The rest of what Im about to say is going to be bold, graphic, and telling, to say the least so, if youre not feeling up to a peek inside the mind of a severely depressed individual, I suggest you stop reading now. Personally, Im not always aware of my emotions, or my mood and therefore, I dont really think that Im depressed until I see that I have been acting erratically for some time. Its not until I am getting angry at little things, having destructive thoughts, pushing those I love out of my life, etc. that I realize what is going on and by that time its often too late to do much about it. I have destroyed relationships and made other terrible mistakes/decisions because Im not truly conscious of what Im actually doing or saying. This, of course, amplifies the feelings of low self worth and, in turn, brings about even more erratic and self destructive behavior and so the exponentially growing downward spiral continues. I have contemplated suicide hundreds of times and as recently as a couple weeks ago. When I do think about this, I consider my family, my friends, my pets, who might find me, who might have to clean up after me, who might have to go through and manage my belongings, who will care for my pets, how my family will handle the financial burden of my death, and a great deal of other issues. However, these considerations do not serve to deter my thoughts, but rather, they simply make me feel worse about myself. With that said, having these thoughts proves that the act itself is anything but selfish and, as far as it being a cowards way out, I can assure you that I am anything but cowardly. The idea of doing something so extreme as to take ones own life, if you think about it objectively, would require a great deal of bravery. Unfortunately, the level of suffering that myself and millions of other people endure is unfathomable to those who do not deal with clinical depression. Im not talking about being sad for a week, or a month because a pet or a loved one passed, you lost your job, or because of some other major life event; Im talking about months of that, multiplied by ten, or thirty, or worse. Im getting help now but, prior to reaching out to a counselor and subsequently a psychiatrist, I destroyed my relationship with the woman I love, with her daughter, with her son, and lost the respect of all those who love them. Im finally beginning to feel like myself again but, I have a LONG and ROUGH road ahead of me before I will be out of the darkness and I know that medication doesnt always help people. Who knows what could have happened if I hadnt finally realized what was going on in my head. So please, when someone you love is not behaving like themself, do something, say something, help them. That person may fight you; they may even fight you viciously but, they need to know that you love them and that you want to help them.
Posted on: Wed, 13 Aug 2014 05:06:16 +0000
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