Roger Webbs - Adventures of Uncle Swilly III Christmas Special Redneck Christmas... Ho Ho Ho Yall Christmas is Uncle Swilly’s favorite time of year and this year it’s going to be the biggest shindig of them all with a giant over-the-top party southern style. The Grover brothers have a trailer hauling business and have volunteered to bring over a double wide and set it up in the open field next to the pit where the wild hog roast will take place. Miss Sally Mayll be cooking all the fixins along with her famous homemade biscuits that are 3 inches thick and half as big round as a saucer. They’ll use the trailer for Miss Sally and all her helpers to cook in and to hide all the presents from all the children. Frankie and Ralph are quick as greased lightning when it comes to setting up and taking down house trailers. These two are twins unlike any you have ever seen. If there were a contest to see who has the skinniest legs these two brothers would walk away with the prize hands down. They look zackly like four plunger handles with knees. (Olive Oyl has nothing on these boys). They both sport matching mullets that are about half grey and wear rattle snake skin boots with cut off jeans with a yellow and blue tie dyed tank tops with Grover Brothers - We wheel your home right to your lot written on um. It’s a toss up which has the most hair, their heads or their armpits. Each is a sight for sore eyes to say the least. This year’s party will include a skeet shoot and turkey-calling contest. Last years party’s big event was a camper race. Twenty-two pick-ups pulling camper trailers in circles on a slicker than snot track was a blast. Betty Louise Smackdab won towing a 32-foot Jayco with her jacked up 1997 Ford multi colored dually. All 4 doors are different colors. The hood has a custom American flag painted on it and a pair of double barrel shotguns criss crossed on it. This gal is a match for any man when it comes to slinging mud and changing flat tires. She’s 6’ 4’ and weights 340 pounds. Nothing but pure muscle she says. You think that’s something you should she her wrestle a wild boar. There’s no mistaking Betty for shes always wearing a black tee shirt with The South’s Going To Do It Again written on the back and two-sizes-too-small spandex pants and will never be caught in shoes. This year Uncle Swilly the third is going to give a speech and has a few surprises up his sleeve. Once again everyone was encouraged to decorate their trucks and boats. You have never seen anything like it! These guys would make any redneck proud. Where they came up with some of the ideas for the lights is any man’s guess. One family pulling their airboat had a life size Elvis standing on top of the cage with motion lights and him shaking his hips to, You Ain’t Nothing But a Hound Dog blaring from two 6 foot speakers in the back of their hunting truck. The party always starts right at dark so everybody can see the caravan of Christmas lights. 104 vehicles drove around pulling every kind of boat imaginable and it was a sight to see. One guy had all his coonhounds wearing lighted full-body suits standing on the hood of his jeep the lights flickered in sync to Johnny Cash’s greatest hit, I Walk The Line. Pulling up the rear here comes Uncle Swilly in his airboat sliding across the grass with 9 mounted deer heads strapped to the front of his boat and dressed in a red suit yelling ho ho ho and throwing Hawaiian Leis to the kids and teenagers. The crowd erupted into a roar as Swilly flipped a switch and his airboat was all decked out in lights displaying the American Flag. The ole Red White and Blue really stood out! Shorty that works down at the feed store jumped up on stage and grabbed the mic and starting doing his Willie Nelson impersonations by firing off, Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys. The funny thing about all this is he looks exactly like Willie. Fire engine red hair, yep ponytails and all. On top of that he hasn’t taken a bath in 3 months and proud of it and brags to the fact he has never used deodorant. If you were to shut your eyes and listen you’d think ole Willie himself was up there letting it rip. A bunch of middle-aged women was up dancing and half of um were getting their hips out of joint from jumping around so much. That my friend was a sight to behold. Where they came up with all those bandanas and waiving them in the air no one knows. When Shorty got done entertainin the crowd the Southern Ya’ll Swing-A-Ding All-Girl Bluegrass Band was up next. The smell of the open fire and pigs roasting was filling the air. The place was non-stop yelling and clapping as Dixie was cutting a rug up on stage as she played the fiddle and clogged at the same time. How she moved those cubby legs of hers was something to see but she could move them in every direction and never skipped a beat as she sawed off Orange Blossom Special. She looked like she stepped in a giant anthill and was trying to stomp them off in high speed. In the background shotguns were blasting off, as the skeet shoot was under way. You see in the south a bunch of these ole boys coon hunt and they’re used to shooting at night with a flashlight duct taped to their barrels. They were out there hitting those clay pigeons like no bodies business. Those boys can hit a bat with a .22 long rifle from the hip in a windstorm. The flashes from the muzzles of those shotguns reminded you of that group of teenage boys last summer having that flatulating contest near that open bon fire after eating at the local Mongolian BBQ restaurant ran by Frédéric DeCuir from Bat-ton Rouge, Louisana. The winner of the turkey-calling contest went out to 98 year-old Grandpa Luther Walker. What makes Luther so good is the fact he ain’t got a tooth in his head and can move that diaphragm around in his mouth from one side to the other and flip it upside down with no restrictions if you know what I mean? He can sound like a ravaging beauty queen female turkey that will make the spookiest gobbler come strutting madly in love into a used car lot full of people in the middle of a lightning storm. Uncle Swilly’s up next. Standing there in his Santa Suit that’s three sizes too small with his belly hanging out is a sight that will linger in your mind for a while, that’s for sure! His silhouette displaying that broadside physique up there on stage for everyone to see drove all the gals over the edge. He cleared his throat and said, With all due respect I want to clear up a few things about Christmas. First off this red suits not what Christmas is about. It ain’t about standing at a store 4 days before Black Friday waitin in line to buy an electronic doo-dad with money you ain’t got and sticking in on one of those plastic credit cards. It’s not about a tree, a snowman or a ho ho ho. It’s about a baby that was born. Ya’ll know the story, but I’ll remind you about it. You see there was this young couple that wasn’t married and an angel appeared out of nowhere and told her she was going to have a baby. She responded by saying I’ve never known a man... she had a baby anyway. That baby was God visiting us down here on earth. The baby grew into a man. A bunch of the people hated him, but that didn’t matter to HIM. He did all kinds of neat stuff and taught the Word of God to a bunch of people. One day he got arrest on phony charges made up in a kangaroo court. A bunch of folks lied about him and made up all kinds of wild stories that were flat out lies. All his personal friends ditched him when he needed them the most. One of those jokers even lied about even knowing him! Well the story does not end there. They hauled em off and beat him up real bad, so bad you couldn’t even recognize him. They took bullwhips to his back and then they did the worst thing, they took spikes and nailed him to a cross and let him die there. But this is not the end of the story you see that dude rose from the dead and that’s the story. So Dec 25th we are celebratin the birth of that baby and his name is Jesus Christ. And BTW ya’ll it ain’t happy holidays it’s Merry Christmas. There was not a dry eye in the crowd. Men and woman as far as you could see were taking off their hats and bowing their heads. You could hear a bullfrog croak a half-mile away that night as Swilly told the story. The Third told the crowd if any of ya’ll wanted to know more about this story come on down and I’ll be more than happy to let ya know. Ol Swill stepped off the platform as a crowd gathered around. Two hours later Swill was all smiles as he hugged the last family. He then joined in on the party. Everyone was filling up their stomachs with pulled pork and a plate full of goodies. Miss Sally May was busy and having a time of her life. You should have seen all the kids opening present. This is one Christmas the whole town will never forget! Written by Roger Webb Copyright© 2013 rogerwebb.org
Posted on: Thu, 25 Dec 2014 03:39:01 +0000
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