Running the gauntlet of firsts... The New Year is a day away. Yet another first, this time its the first New Years Eve / New Years Day since Molly died. So far weve had Halloween, Lukas 12th birthday, Thanksgiving, Maddys 17th birthday, Christmas, Jamies baptism. First after first after first. On and on and on. I feel like Im stumbling through a tunnel of sadistic madmen - relentlessly beating me to an emotional pulp with constant reminders of what Ive lost, like so many bars of soap stuffed inside socks. I have to admit, I got blindsided by this one. I was so focused on making it through Christmas that I failed to consider the ramifications of the New Year. I wasnt thinking about all the years that Mollys was the first face I saw as the New Year arrived. I wasnt thinking about melting into her loving embrace while the kids made the most god-awful din imaginable. I wasnt thinking about the first kiss of the New Year. Or the first I love you. Or the shared excitement of a fresh start. A clean slate. The moment when all of our dreams seemed to be within our grasp. This was going to be our year! Cue the Radiohead reference: Im on a roll Im on roll this time I feel my luck could change Even though the ensuing year never quite lived up to the lofty expectations of its inception, it didnt matter. It was the promise of rebirth. The magic of a clear, new day, along with the belief that together we could do anything... Now we come to another new year and Molly is gone. I built all my dreams around her - now what? Heres what - I will continue my efforts to maintain as much normalcy for the kids as possible. Tomorrow night well have dinner, watch a movie and then ring in the New Year together. Just like we always do. There will be an empty chair at the table, but the kids will manage to have a good time, which is so important. And it will be very different for me. I wont see her face. No hugs. No kisses. No sharing of goals and dreams for the year to come. It will be very different. Very difficult. But I will make it through. I will begin to think about new goals and dreams. About continuing forward and honoring her memory by surviving and eventually thriving. I know that I have the strength to do this. And somewhere down the line there will be another Happy New Year - definitely not this year, but that day WILL come... Im not looking for pity. I dont want anybody to feel sorry for me. This is just my feelings. Naked. Raw. Stream of consciousness. I just want to share because doing so lightens the load and makes it a little easier to navigate the sea of grief...
Posted on: Wed, 31 Dec 2014 06:05:26 +0000
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